What I am looking For: Right now my essay is 290 words and they say on the app 200 words so I need to find spots to weed it down. Also, just read for content and the usual revisions. Not afraid to rework the whole essay if you think the structure is bad, so just let me know. More specifically, do I need a stronger hook and conclusion? suggestions on either greatly appreciated.
Prompt:
1. There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, home, neighborhood or community--and how it influenced the person you are today.
Essay:
My parents have always strongly believed in volunteer work. They not only verbalized this conviction, but displayed to my siblings and me the importance of such efforts through their actions. My mom has been extremely involved in the local school system since long before I was in kindergarten. She has positively affected the lives of thousands of kids, and many credit her for the new elementary school constructed in our town last year. My dad also volunteers, but he uses his career as a physician to do so. He has traveled to a multitude of third-world countries to provide medical care.
These actions inspired me to get involved whenever I heard about a cause I believed in. I organized my first fundraiser in third grade, and my sister and I ran a book drive in which we sold donated books. We raised over three hundred dollars, and from that point on the two of us never looked back in our efforts. We have run bake sales, ring sales, movie nights, Boston Harbor cruises, and dozens of other fundraisers together over the years. These efforts are both important and rewarding to me, and I look forward to continuing volunteer work for as long as I am able.
If you need help in an essay yourself say so in your comments and I will gladly take a look.
Prompt:
1. There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, home, neighborhood or community--and how it influenced the person you are today.
Essay:
My parents have always strongly believed in volunteer work. They not only verbalized this conviction, but displayed to my siblings and me the importance of such efforts through their actions. My mom has been extremely involved in the local school system since long before I was in kindergarten. She has positively affected the lives of thousands of kids, and many credit her for the new elementary school constructed in our town last year. My dad also volunteers, but he uses his career as a physician to do so. He has traveled to a multitude of third-world countries to provide medical care.
These actions inspired me to get involved whenever I heard about a cause I believed in. I organized my first fundraiser in third grade, and my sister and I ran a book drive in which we sold donated books. We raised over three hundred dollars, and from that point on the two of us never looked back in our efforts. We have run bake sales, ring sales, movie nights, Boston Harbor cruises, and dozens of other fundraisers together over the years. These efforts are both important and rewarding to me, and I look forward to continuing volunteer work for as long as I am able.
If you need help in an essay yourself say so in your comments and I will gladly take a look.
