"Payal was my role model and my inspiration" - University of Florida Essay

Hello. I am actually new to this website. Below is my essay for the University of Florida. Its very personal.

Topic: Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life
and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to
the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your
school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of
school.

Here is my Essay:

During the course of my childhood, my cousin Payal was one of my best friends. Even though we are only cousins, the relationship we had was almost sisterly like. She was my role model and my inspiration. I was always the one who would come to her with all my problems and she was truly the only person who was caring enough to take the time to comfort me when things were disproportional. I was blessed and grateful to have someone like her in my life.

In 2006, life took an unexpected turn for Payal. It was early September and I just got back from school, and I received the phone call. Payal had called to tell me that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I dropped my backpack and fell on my knees. My hands began to shake as I was crying profusely on my kitchen floor. The last thing that went through my mind was having an innocent eighteen-year-old girl being diagnosed with breast cancer. I never thought that it could affect the ones I deeply loved and cared for. During the next twelve months I helped her conquer her fear of dying, but the cancer was eating her alive. She became weaker as the months passed. Her weight had dropped from 119lb to 98lb. It did not end with a happy ending either. On November 6th, 2008, she passed away in her sleep. The doctor came to deliver the news to our family. I ran to her room, fell next to her bed, and screamed, "wake up" repeatedly. My dad held me back as tears were burning across my face. Soon after I calmed myself down, I sat next to her lifeless body and promised her that I will find a cure to this disease so it does not attack other people out there who had big dreams, just like Payal.

After her death, I decided to volunteer at my local hospital and work with cancer patients. I was able to make a connection with them and I talked about the importance of building strength and to never give up. Volunteering had helped build my acceptance of Payal's death. My lifelong dream is to be a medical researcher and find a cure for cancer. I know it will be a long path, but the best place to get that type of education is at the University of Florida. The fact that University of Florida's, Shands Cancer Center, is ranked as one of the top research facilities in the country makes me choose UF as my primary target for college. My passion for knowledge will make my college experience a remarkable one, by making my academic studies a pleasure, not a chore. My ambition and dream is what makes me want to be a part of the gator nation.

This is a very strong story. I like the way that you include details, such as what you did when you got the bad news and what you did just after your dear cousin died. You've also done a good job of tying the story to your educational goals.


I don't understand what you mean by "disproportional" in this context.

I don't see how your essay answers this part of the question. You only state why you need UF not why UF needs you.

In my opinion, your narrative seems a little cliche. The impact on you seems cliche also. But of course, this experience is real. That's just what I feel.

Otherwise, it flows well and doesn't have too many grammatical errors. I'm sure the others on this site will point those out.

Thank you! disproportional wasn't quite the word I was looking for (this is my first draft anyway). I need to fit a word in there that means "when things were not normal", or during hard times.

Llamapoop123
In my opinion, your narrative seems a little cliche. The impact on you seems cliche also. But of course, this experience is real. That's just what I feel.

Thanks for your feedback. It may sound cliche, but it's a true life story of mine. =)

Should mention that I could make a connection with students at UF who have the same problem? Let me know what you think!

Your experience is rather good. It is just that the image of you shouting "wake up" and your determination to find a cure for cancer.

Finding a cure for cancer is rather loose. It's like saying that you want to solve global warming or promote world peace.

Also, I understand your determination but I can't help but wonder if becoming a researcher is your dream. I get the idea that your friends death has made you feel like you have a duty to cure cancer. I feel that you really want to become a researcher but others may wonder after reading this essay.

I get the idea that you want to become a researcher because of others, not yourself.

I would be more at rest if you originally wanted to be a researcher and what Payal's death did was make you want to be a cancer researcher.


How long is the essay supposed to be? Don't sacrifice good writing to add. What you have right now is great.

Most researchers in any field are driven by some sort of personal connection to the problem they are seeking to solve. Undoubtedly, the field cancer research is filled with people who, like the author of this essay, were first motivated by the death of a friend or relative.

The question really is: Is researching a cure the best way for you to fight cancer? If you are good at science and have the problem-solving mindset of a researcher, then yes. But there are plenty of other ways to combat cancer. For example, much of cancer is diet-related, so becoming a nutrition educator would be one way to help reduce the incidence of cancer. Many cancers are caused by pathogens found in pollutants so, similarly, becoming an environmental activist or educator would be another way to help prevent cancer. Researchers need money and are not always very good at fund-raising; a person with the right kind of personality might make more of a difference raising money for cancer research than by being a researcher.

Whichever you choose, it would be a good idea to include in your essay some facts about yourself that show why this is the best way for you personally to join the struggle against cancer.

I am just worried that the writer has sacrificed some kind of other aspiration to do something that he/she feels is their responsibility. Also, I am worried that he/she is not self-motivated.

Of course I could be severely underestimating the power of the author's experience as I have never had such a death in my life.

llamapoop:

It is supposed to be under 500 words. I'm at about 480.

I am not sacrificing another aspiration that I had in mind. I have had many relatives who were diagnosed with cancer , but at a very late stage in their life, this one had hit me the most because it dealt with a young girl battling with cancer. I mean death is acceptable for a relative thats like 80+ years old, but not when you have a young person who has yet to experience the life they always wanted. My motivation comes from what I had to live through in the past. That's why I decided to write about this specific topic.

Simone: Should I include that last idea you had at the end of my essay? In the last paragraph? I was actually going to put oncologist as my choice of career but I don't think it was going to fit right in this essay.