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'You have been my role model' - Essay on my inspiration


emilee956 1 / 2  
Nov 14, 2012   #1
I would like someone to help me make my essay more better. I would also like any corrections or comments on what I should do to make it better. The essay of my inspiration is below. Thank you.

You have been my role model since the day you started watching me grow up.
I was told that when you were only fifty-three years old you were diagnosed with Guillain-Barres Syndrome. Guillain-Barre Syndrome is a disorder in which the body's immune system attacks part of the peripheral nervous system which causes the person's body to become paralyzed and life-threatening. Because of this disease, you were confined to a bed for almost a year and it was during this time that the doctors only gave you three months to live. You had given up by listening to the doctors, but your family and friends convinced you with the help from them that you would get through it. You showed that I should listen to my family and friends, people who love me, that could help me push forward.

For sixty years now, you have been an agriculture farmer. After the disease was miraculously cured by medicine and prayers from friends and family, you went off trying to walk again as if you were barely taking your first few steps. As you were taking your steps you had trouble walking which caused you to stumble and not balance correctly. You kept walking with the help of braces from your feet to your calves. You kept pushing yourself to get better fast that you can get to work and continue working. You showed me that when I get hurt I shouldn't let it get in my way.

When you were walking a little bit better, you wanted to get back to work and start planting and harvesting your crops without any hesitation. Even with the condition of your heart, high blood pressure, and problems with your hands and walking, you pushed yourself forward to keep working. I learned that I should keep pushing forward to accomplish my dreams.

By watching you for seventeen years and hearing about your story, you became a motivation to me, and I have been influenced by you. You have motivated me to push forward and not dwell in the past. I will only move forward and not give up on anything that may block my path. While I'm by your side on the tractor, I watch you work and I see you moving fast and not stopping. You love what you do which causes you to continue your dreams and as for me I won't stop working on anything I love. I won't stop my dreams if any illness or tragedy should stop me. I've been inspired.

Now at seventy-eight years old, you have been an inspiration to me and my dreams. I will never let anything get in my way. I thank you and I love you grandpa.

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Nov 14, 2012   #2
I liked your writing style. But I think it would be better to avoid repeating some words and phrases like "pushing forward".

I will only move forward and not give up on anything that may block my path

I think if you add some of your experiences through which you could overcome the obstacles on your way, you can prove what you are claiming in this part of the essay.

Because of this disease, you were confined to a bed for almost a year and it was during this time that the doctors only gave you three months to live

If you use more emotional sentences in this part, you can make the essay more attractive. I mean portray your sadness and that hard moment emotionally.

Your essay is great and what I said are merely suggestions. Hope you find them helpful
OP emilee956 1 / 2  
Nov 14, 2012   #3
Thank you I will think things through and fix it up Thanks :)
srbsingh 1 / 4  
Nov 16, 2012   #4
I Think you should work a bit on the length of the essay.... Try to include some more instances and examples that you feel would fit in.
OP emilee956 1 / 2  
Nov 17, 2012   #5
@ srbsingh well I can only have upt o 250 and so far idk how much I have so far lol I haven't checked the words but I think I'll just be writing it then I will be concerned about it.


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