Please help me out in critique or editing of this admission essay. applying for Cornell but not sure of the standard.
Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Essay:
Whenever I see my peers scamper to sign up for events that would embellish their portfolios, I always view them with slight contempt as they began groaning on how boring the events were during participation. Deep down, I feel that doing things, that I dislike, just for some hidden agenda makes life very meaningless. However, I was challenged by my friends who felt that it was a survival technique. In order to succeed in this pragmatic world, we have to show scholarship boards, admission offices or employers what they are looking for-a well-developed individual- and personal interests is secondary. I disagree with their views. Even if they pass the criteria to enter prestigious universities with their "well-rounded portfolios", the values that the admission offices look out for in their portfolios are probably qualities of all the students in the universities. Hence, for example, people there express enthusiasm in helping others but your true self actually dislike helping others (you faked that quality in your portfolio), then you may feel left out as your values are different from your peers and thus would not enjoy studying in the university.
However, my friends countered by asking, "Are you willing to follow your interests and earn meager salaries after graduating or take up lucrative professions like being a banker and earn big bucks even though you dislike it?" For a moment, I was swayed. Nevertheless, I held firm to my stand and argued that working takes up a huge part of my life and hence, it is better to have a career I am passionate about rather than taking up a profession that I loathe and always dread going to work. The latter will not only make my life miserable but it goes against my principles and I would ultimately lose my real self.
Even though I rebutted my friends as if reason was all on my side, upon reflection, I felt that they are not totally wrong and I feel that I am a little resistant change. I start to respect their views because they may be doing all this because the university course they desire requires an outstanding portfolio, like medicine, due to stiff competitive. In addition, looking from another perspective, things may not interest me at first but if I do not go into further exploration, I will never know if it suits me. Moreover, the world does not revolve around me and there may not always be exciting things to suit my personality and interests. Hence, maybe I should learn to pick up new interests and adapt to different ways of life and not stick with one from birth till death. That said, I still think that I should not lose sight of myself-my personality and principles- even when introducing new elements into my life as some times, delusion may lead me to do things that I dislike. Moreover, we should not do things as a means to an end as our sincerity will be questionable.
Advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you :)
You seem to preach some philosphies, rather than narrate a 'significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced'
So quite frankly, you are not answering the essay.
There is no point suggesting corrections, because you need to rewrite the essay from scratch.
The question is: Did you participate in truly voluntary civic activities, rather than resume-embellishing activities? If so, list them. If not, follow Sean's advice and choose a different achievement, experience, risk, or dilemma.
