Well, here is my first essay for UC, its about a hobby/interest of mine. What can I do to make it more interesting and captivating
Any Help would be really appreciated!
Making a pen is an enlightening experience. Taking a piece of wood, putting it onto a lathe and shaping it, sanding it and producing a handmade pen. As I am making a pen I feel proud of what I make because I can say "I made that." I do not think many people can get the satisfaction of being able to say that they made something out of nothing, I think that everyone should experience this at least once. The feeling I get once I make a pen is unrivaled, I cannot truly describe the feeling: it is a mixture of satisfaction, and a sense of accomplishment. Pen making is like an art form for me, I tried painting and drawing before I started pen turning, but I found out I was not too good at painting or drawing people; the people I drew ending up looking like a sticks with circles on top of them. When I took my first pen turning class, I knew I found my niche. I could make, what I considered art.
When I started my own business, Penz Online, I felt like I had finally put into place the last piece of the puzzle, I had been looking for a way to connect my desire to make pens with my desire to start a business, and I was finally able to do just that. What more can one ask for than being able to start a business out of ones passions. In 2007, I began marketing my pens to my family and friends. My hard work started manifesting itself in a tangible result. I was thrilled to see my profit at the end of the year. The more pens I sold, the prouder I felt about what I was doing. When I was able to share my passion for making pens with other, I felt like I was able to share the joy I get from making a pen with others too.
Pen turning has truly changed my life. I learned how to design and set up my own web site and manage the business of selling pens on line. I also learned to manage my finance and bookkeeping. I also donate many pens to the soldiers in Iraq. When I gave my first pen to a soldier, I felt contented and happy that I was able to his day a little bit better. I have become more active after I began turning pens simply because it makes me constantly think about the next advancement I can make or how I can make my craftsmanship better.
I hit a mental wall when I was trying to write this, so tear it apart anything would be helpful!
Could you explain what pen turning is? As I read this, I'm not really sure what it means... and you cannot be certain that the reader will know (or correctly infer) its meaning.
The feeling I get once I make a pen or bowl is unrivaled, I cannot truly describe the feeling: it's a mixture of satisfaction, and a sense of accomplishment.
I'm not really sure where the "bowl" comes into play (is it part of a pen?). I think that you may need to put a colon after "describe the feeling", and add the "a" to make it parallel.
Some of your sentences are extremely long. Try to cut those into a couple of sentences to make it easier to read. For example:
Pen making is like an art form for me. I tried painting and drawing before I started pen turning, but I found out I was not too good at either; the people I drew ending up looking like a sticks with circles on top of them. When I took my first pen turning class, I knew I found my niche. I could make, at least what I considered art.
In the final paragraph you say:
"The feeling I get once I make a pen is unrivaled. I cannot truly describe the feeling; it's a mixture of satisfaction, and the sense of accomplishment."
This is something you had said, almost word for word, earlier in your essay. Try to find a fresh way of saying this... it makes the conclusion a little stale.
Try not to use contractions, like: don't, wasn't, and it's. Use the full words.
It would be nice if you could explain it a bit more. From reading this, I understood that pen turning is your form of art, it brings you satisfaction, and you want to spread your joy BUT I don't know why exactly it makes you feel that way. Try to explain what specifically in your pen turning process is fulfilling (maybe explain the steps required to make a pen). Good luck!
Please review my essay if you get the chance!
Not sure if I can be of any assistance to you, but maybe you can elaborate slightly on your second sentence by going through the process of finishing the pen after sanding it. I feel like it will connect the reader more to your hobby.
Thanks, what do you think about this as the beginning;
Making a pen is an enlightening experience. Taking a piece of wood, putting it onto a lathe and shaping it, sanding it and producing a handmade pen. When I finish making the rough shape of the pen, I start to sand it down with progressively finer grits until I have a final, smooth shape. Then I apply ten layers of lacquer to show to grain and add depth to the finish. Lastly, I give to it someone and see their face light up.
Comma:
As I am making a pen I feel proud of what I make, because I can...
This is an incomplete sentence below:
Taking a piece of wood, putting it onto a lathe and shaping it, sanding it and producing a handmade pen.
...and "taking" is a weak word here.
Fitting a piece of wood onto a lathe and shaping it, sanding it, and producing a handmade pen is a satisfying process.
