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"some people are meant to go to college" - Undergraduate Admissions essay

lilboo2 1 / -  
Oct 6, 2009   #1
How has your family history, culture, or environment influence who you are?(no more than 250 words)

I never thought I'd be applying to college. As a child, I never understood the importance of it. I was raised in a family where no one attended college. This gave me a theoretical idea that maybe some people are meant to go to college and that some are just meant to earn money by getting a good job that pays well. Growing up in an environment where no one goes to college, and not many there aren't peers setting positive examples, created the state of mind I possessed. As I grew I realized I could make a change. My Family history, and environment influenced me to be better and do better. I decided I would not be a statistic. Watching how my mother, a single-parent, struggled raising my siblings and I, from pay check to paycheck, also influenced the person I grew to be today. I'm a determined individual striving for success. To me, when I succeed, it will be for my mother and family, all the young people out there who feels there is no hope for them because of their family's history and environment in which they were raised. I'm striving to be a role model, because I believe no one should determine your future but you. Being able to continue my education is a great privilege and I plan to take advantage of it.
bam1992 2 / 4  
Oct 6, 2009   #2
Avoid contractions...they shouldn't be in formal writing.
Also it would probably be good if you give more details about how you want to become successful, how you'll use your education, and how your experiences have influenced that.

"many there aren't peers setting positive examples" - Don't need those two words.

"My Family history, and" - Shouldn't be capitalized, and comma is unecessary.

"single-parent" - you don't need the dash.

"struggled raising my siblings and I" - should be "my siblings and me."

Hope this helps!

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