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"that person is my sister, she influenced my life" - Admission essay



ragonblake 2 / 3  
Nov 19, 2010   #1
Hi, i am new in this forum, and I an asking for help if some just can tell how is my essay, I know that it will have mispelling but I dont know where they are, because english is not my first language.

Thanks

A
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

Most people have had someone that have made an important impact on their life. Me as one of them, there is someone close to me that have made in my life, an important impact that I am still half way to complete it, and that person is my sister, five years older than me and recently graduated as doctor, after 6 years of hard work and night without sleep. She have made an impact that have changed me.

When I was young and careless about the grades that I was making, opposite to my sister, from that specific moment, she started making an impact in my life. When I needed help, she sat next to me and taught me how to do my homework right and reminding me the important advices that my parents always have told me, to make from me a person more responsible and careful with my classes, but it was not still enough to keep me in the right path. Although, I always knew what my sister was talking about, and me with the laziness at that time, there were many times that I always left the homework as last option and having on mind the entertainment, first. On the other hand , I was lucky having a sister who cares on me and kept tried to help me. Indeed, she always was there to help me a little, when she had the chance.

While the time was passing, I could realized the importance of education and the benefits that can make in my life, and I realized this by watching my sister deeply studying for the tests, just to get a good grade and how worried she was. An example that I still remember was, when she was getting prepare for the admission test, that took her long hours of studying to take it. surprisingly with hard working and never giving up, she finally was accepted in one of the prestigious and important universities in Venezuela, where she was able to become a doctor. By the way, the only bad thing that I remember and at the same time seen good, was, when she left home to live close the university. As result, I was practically alone and without her help, and without the minor idea, this soon changed to be positive to me because it was the moment where I started to take seriously my classes and be more independent. With the desire of keep studying and getting good grades during the most important years of high school, where the grades will be count for the admission in a university, it helped me to set up a important goal, that still it is, that is to graduate one of the best universities where I can become what I want to be.

Finally, my sister made on my a great impact in my life, by teaching me, reminding me and letting me to see her how hard she always tried. As result, I could realized by myself, the reason of why she was always studying and take more seriously education and complete one of my goals in this life, that is to graduate in a good university.

aries64xx 1 / 5  
Nov 19, 2010   #2
I just fixed some grammatical errors and removed sentences that didn't make sense/didn't fit. I also added some phrases to some sentences to have it make more sense. It sounds really good, and it follows the prompt. I hope this helps! :) I don't know if anyone else has any other suggestions.

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Most people have had someone that have made an important impact on their life. MeMyself as one of them, there is someone close to me that havehas hadmade in my life, an important impactan important impact in my life.that I am still half way to complete it, andT hat person is my sister.She is five years older than me, and has recently graduated as doctor after 6six years of hard work and nights without sleep. She havehas made an impact that havehas changed me.

When I was young and careless about the grades that I was making, opposite to my sister, from that specific moment, she started makingto make an impact in my life. When I needed help, she sat next to me and taught me how to do my homework right and reminding me the important advices that my parents always have told me; to make from me a person more responsible and careful with my classes.B ut it was not stillstill not enough to keep me in the right path. Although, I always knew what my sister was talking about, and me with the laziness at that time, there were many times that I always left the homework as last option.and having on mind the entertainment, first. On the other hand, I was lucky to havehaving a sister who cares onabout me and kept tried to help me. Indeed, she always waswas always there to help me a little, when she had the chance.

While the time was passing, I could realized the importance of education and the benefits that can make in my life.and I realized this by watching my sister deeply studying for the tests, just to get a good grade and how worried she was. An example that I still remember was, when she was getting prepared for the admission test.thatIt took her long hours of studying to take it. S urprisingly, with hard working and never giving up, she was finally was accepted in one of the prestigious and important universities in Venezuela, where she was able to become a doctor. By the way,T he only bad thing that I remember,andhowever at the same time seen good, was, when she left home to live close the university. As a result, I was practically alone and without her help.and without the minor idea,T his soon changedbecameto be positive tofor me because it was the moment where I started to be serious abouttake seriously my classes and be more independent. With the desire ofto keep studying and getting good grades during the most important years of high school, where the grades will be count for the admission in a university, it has helped me to set up an important goal;that still it is, that is to graduate from one of the best universities where I can become what I want to be.

Finally, my sister has made on my a great impact in my life, by teaching me, reminding me and letting me to see her how hard she always tried. As result, I could realized by myself, the reason of why she was always studying.and takeI needed to be more seriouslyabout education andso I can complete one of my goals in thismy life;that is to graduate infrom a good university.
adex 2 / 9  
Nov 19, 2010   #3
Hey Ronny Melissa has done most of the job but also check this out.
Although, I always knew what my sister was talking about...there were many times that I alwaysmost time I left the homework as last option

"I could realized the importance of education and the benefits that can make in my life ."realized the importance and benefits of education in my life....Surprisingly, with hard working and never giving updetermination ....This soon changed became to be positive to for me because it was thethat moment where I started to bebecame serious and independent abouttake seriously my classes.and be more independent

Hope this will help you.
Good luck:)
OP ragonblake 2 / 3  
Nov 20, 2010   #4
Hello againg, thanks a lot for you help, this really helped me alot!
I used both of yours feedbacks


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