"A plane trip we took from Germany to London" - UF admission essay

I'm not sure if this puts me in a negative light? Please help!Also, how can I connect this better with the whole UF part? I know its not good, just a rough draft. But I really do need to know if this makes me look like someone they wouldn't want at UF...

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

I thought I was going to die on that plane trip we took from Germany to London. It was me and thirty of my closest friends...or more like me and thirty other Pine View Panthers who had signed up for the travel club trip to Europe that summer. We were all ready for our first stop in England, our passports safe in the streamlined fanny packs we all carried, our location disclosed by the sea of red, white and blue "PVMS Travel Club" t-shirts we all adorned.

On the thirty minute connecting flight we took to reach London, I had to sit with a stranger, something especially terrifying for a foreign thirteen-year-old. I watched my friends walk by, dismayed that most were heading to the cabin ahead of mine; I would truly be on my own for that half hour. Oh, the horror. But the drama only unfolded when I discovered who my seat mate would be. A suited Indian man, probably in his mid-thirties, took the seat adjacent mine, and shielded me from what I thought to be my last attempt at escape from a potentially life threatening situation. I spent the entire flight clenching my stomach in what I was sure to be preparedness for some kind of violent, physical attack, while silently praying to God that I would come out of this alive (my mother always told me to look into drama classes...). Of course, I cannot say that I am in any way proud of my silent accusations against this unassuming man. I am embarrassed now to say that I only truly saw color and a difference in appearance when I saw him. As the plane began to land, I somehow got to talking to the man. As it turned out, he was British, and had a sister who lived in Indiana. He was soft-spoken and seemed shy. In my stupidity, I had carelessly judged him because of something as superficial as his physical features.

On that day, during the summer of my seventh grade year, not only did I get a figurative slap in the face as I realized my youth and foolishness, but I learned a lesson that many people do not understand today. I understand how wrong it is to judge based on appearance or the color of a person's skin. This is not always a debate between black and white, but it caries on to all the variety of beautiful color, and culture and people we see in this world. On that day, I could finally fully understand the responsibility we have, as fellow human beings, which is to love and genuinely respect each other. It is not a question of who is better, but is the knowledge that we are all people, and none of us deserve to be judged unjustly, or wrongfully accused. We all have responsibilities and I plan to carry mine into the very richly cultured and diverse University of Florida.

"...something especially terrifying for a foreign thirteen-year-old." ( you are generalizing... make it slightly personal)

I liked your essay. btw what was the life-threatening situation?

you can say something about how you can change similar perceptions in people by citing your example.

Good luck! I hope you get admitted.

I know this sounds really bad, but I kind of just assumed he was a terrorist. Should I make that somehow clearer? I'm not sure how to because it is so horrible. But I was only in 7th grade...

thanks for the feedback though!

Basically, you took a plane ride with an Indian man, thinking he was a terrorist, and this caused you trepidation? Then the last paragraph is just banal filler content? Seems like a shallow essay, especially when you start pontificating about how "...many people do not understand today..."

In other words, you are the one who seems wet behind the ears, spilling tired, unimpressive rhetoric.

Hey Erin chill! I am not judging you. Most thirteen year olds are stupid. When I was thirteen I thought the black community of the US were actually West Indians (or was it, that Monica Lewinsky was Bill's wife and Hillary his mistress?).

Anyway, what I meant was, you seem to imply that all young teenagers get scared by foreigners, which is certainly not the truth. you just need to change the sentence slightly to make it sound like it was just you who was scared.

Mustafa, let's try to keep in mind I was 13 during this experience. If it's shallow to think those things when you're that young, especially after 9/11, then I guess I'm shallow? You should also keep in mind that I wrote this in one sitting at midnight last night, when the idea just came to me. Obviously it's not perfect or I wouldn't have posted it and ASKED FOR HELP. Which is exactly what I did. But I guess if you get fun out of surfing this site looking for papers to tear up, then I hope you have a blast. You can critique without being a complete jerk. Congratulations if you're a better writer. Go apply to UF and get in. I really don't care. Thanks.

Don't worry, I love you too.

You should take it as a compliment that I chose YOUR paper to comment on. That usually means it is readable, which is no small matter on this site. Of course, it doesn't excuse the fact that the actual thought behind the words is somehow lacking, majorly. I mean, you can speak English, but you cannot make a persuasive argument, and that is an important distinction to keep in mind.

The bridge between communicating at a high level and just being able to communicate coherently is a very long and narrow one.

Alright, whatever. Can you just give me some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism? Instead of saying, as you basically did, that my essay sucks. Do I just need to edit it alot? Can you give me any ideas for connecting the experience to the prompt... or maybe I just need a new essay because you don't like any part of mine? I really don't know.

Erin,

I think you should add a few more sentences on why you were scared on that plane, make it clearer. Reading it I got a little confused about what you were exactly scared of, maybe some other people will read it that way.

Your first sentence really grabs the reader's attention, so good job with that! I would say give some more examples of you coming across very richly cultured and diverse people after your plane experience; it's optional since you already described one that changed your view on judging people based on their skin color, but if you have any others examples it could help your essay! Good luck!

thanks for the help!

This is an interesting thread.

...travel club trip to Europe that summer. After this, I think you should give the thesis statement and then end the first paragraph. Set the stage for your meaning to be conveyed to the reader. Do this before getting into the story.

Then continue and tell the story in paragraph 2:
We were all ready for our first stop...


This is excellent, very cool.

Hey, this essay does not suck at all. Sometimes it's hard to find the right words to critique an essay. It would possibly seem superficial if you had not done such a good job of explaining that theme: looking beyond surface appearances and not harboring prejudice. Yet, it will be even better if you give a UNIQUE insight into this truth. So far, it is still simplistic.

End the essay with an unexpected insight that the reader may never have thought about before.

:-)

Okay, here's why your essay sucks.

First off, the beginning is way too dramatic for what you're about to explain. Your second sentence is a poor lead in. You don't say 20 of my friends or 30 of...; it's improper style for this kind of essay. Now you start talking about your travel gear and stuff, taking up a lot of space on something that is really unimportant.

RIGHT HERE, you have a crappy transition because you want to build up to the actual description of the flight. You just concisely told the story in one line and gave it away without ANY tension. Of course, as the other guy mentioned, it's not terrifying for a 13 year old by common reason to sit on a flight with a stranger. I had to sit on a flight with a stranger at age 9, totally alone (not the least bit scared), so what does that tell you?

Now, the next few sentences really are crucial in explaining how you missed the essay. Your friends walked past, and now there's no way out, you're TRULY alone and by yourself.

So, in your mind you're already presupposing that your reader has the same life experiences that you do; moreover, you're falsely assuming that the reader already has the same emotions and feelings in the back of their mind when they're thinking of the situation in the plane, which is just a huge crack in the essay. You're probably thinking of the immediate situation on the plane and all the thoughts you were having at that very moment, but you missed the background that can help to convey to your reader exactly what is special about this plane ride and the events' soon to transpire; you're not helping your reader imagine how to feel in those circumstances; you're failing at the setup and barging forward, which just takes the rest of your essay off kilter. That is another issue in itself and there are more problems to point out, but this one already derailed your essay.

You're predisposed to thinking a certain way about being alone, based heavily on the circumstances to follow, which is distorting the way you rehash what exactly happened.


This is about as far a trained reader has to look at to discard the essay. In fact, it was as far as I got without totally discounting the essay. As I was reading it, I liked the description of how the man appeared and took his seat, but I read the rest and knew the rest (of the essay) was not going to be a pleasure reading.

He shielded you from what you thought was a life-threatening situation?!?!?? You said nothing whatsoever about an imminent danger and it becomes apparent to the reader that you are hiding some underlying feelings, and the reader thinks they've been setup, and the author has done a terrible job of misleading them into an innocuous situation where there was important background left out. That, precisely, is where you screwed up.

You ought to practice this kind of thing, and eventually you'll learn how to make words flow together logically and coordinate in concerted fashion to focus in on one main topic. As is, you can't do it.

I spent the entire flight....what I was sure to be...
You're trudging too slow. I spend every thinking minute of that flight clenching my stomach, readying myself for the onslaught of dread that would accompany the ambush, meanwhile saying a prayer to God that by a miracle I get out alive.

Compare your sentence structure to mine. I stuffed three clauses and did not compromise the readability, where the sentence just snakes through in a set rhthm. On the other hand, your sentence was pretty strong too, but the extra refinement and word choice (diction) is noticeably absent. The next few sentences aren't actually too bad. Why did you have to say "On that day...?" It really puts a bad taste in the mouth, reading it, seeing phrases that are usually associated with triumph and tremendous perseverance being tossed around with respect to a non incident that was, from all appearances, puffed out at an unnatural proportion in your mind. You continue on to start with the false sincere, and confused rambling about black and white like you took the wrong side street but don't understand.

Mustafa, be careful about how you use your talent.


Setup is a noun when you write it as a single word.


This would all be excellent help if you weren't so mean. The fact that you are mean, though, betrays your real intention, which is to show off. Someone of your eloquence has the necessary higher order thinking skills to know what will benefit and what will discourage. That's how I know you are not really trying to help.

Besides, I made mistakes like this when I was 13. This writer has a lot of potential, so I hope your showing off does not discourage her.

Erin, I wonder if you are the sort of person who welcomes harsh criticism. If you are not now, you will be in the future as you collaborate with peers. Mustafa enjoys harsh criticism because of being a good writer. The truth is that everything he said here is indeed correct, and it's a great discussion of some very important concepts. So, are you enlightened enough to put your ego aside and benefit from the advice?

Of course writing is a display of art, and I get carried away sometimes. I've liked to compete from an early age, so it's nothing personal. It's strictly in the spirit of challenging someone and drawing a reaction out of them, since most people are too keen on avoiding tough discussion. The child in me likes action, and I honestly do not take it as personally as another person in my position. If I stir the pot and a few flecks of hot oil fly out, I don't clutch my arm like a wounded person because I understand it comes with the territory.

After all, in no uncertain terms, I am not critiquing essays purely for the sake of helping others alone.

You're right about setup, probably because it's a popular issue among grammarians and roughly common knowledge. My next order of business is to dress down anyone who says "he was setup" or "they colluded to setup the viceroy." Let the pedants slowly correct prevalent bad practices, one unsuspecting person at time.

Well said
Ha ha, I'm jealous that I did not come up with that adage.

I really enjoy your way of handling that cheap shot I took at set up.

Okay, you keep stirring up trouble, I'll keep yelling at you for being too harsh, and together we will rule the galaxy.

I am also applying to UF.
I personally think this is a wonderful essay, and like all essays it needs to be tweaked here or there.

I've done research on what admission officers look for in essays, and I see more than one of those qualities.

You've admitted a short coming; you were quickly to judge people, and possibly assume the worst, and you have shown what you can contribute to their school.

while silently praying to God that I would come out of this alive (my mother always told me to look into drama classes...)

I believe they can already see that you were a bit dramatic. By adding the part in partheses, it's almost redudent.

This is not always a debate between black and white, but it caries on to all the variety of beautiful color, and culture, and people we see in this world.

When I read this it looked like a list of things and you had two ands. If it is a list it should only have one and two commas.

Those are the only things that really stood out to me.
Good luck with your applications, and hopefully you'll get into the schoool of your dreams (:

Hey, this also gave me some important insight into this essayforum we have here... The people who contribute regularly all have motives that have something to do with appreciation of writing.


Lauren, you have some excellent ways of explaining things. Very cool... I guess this essay presents the writer in a light that is too negative... more negative than necessary! :-)