"172 pounds."
When the words came out of the physician at my school's annual physical examination, I noticed the girl on the scale -- Mae, who was a big girl in our small class but appeared almost invisible. My intensive curiosity urged me to pay attention to her ever since. The way she tried to hide her body in huge school uniforms, the posture she held her head down anytime and anywhere, and the fact that she never attended any socializing activities made me soon realized what her concern was. My explosive enthusiasm leads me to try to help her as a friend.
Making friends with Mae was surprisingly easy and delightful. Despite our obviously different impression on other people (me a well-rounded activist and her a reclusive anti-socialist), it turned out that Mae and I share so much in common. Both indubitably loyal, we could tell each other everything and have no hidden secrets; both lovingly kindhearted, we take care of the homeless together at nearby animal shelters; and both academically devoted, we work collaboratively on varied projects and contribute to each other's learning. Seeing all these sparkling merits in her, I decided it was time to free her from the redundant big body and let her inner beauty shine among others.
As a rather plump girl myself, I knew that weight-losing was never easy, but the first couple days on diet was even tougher than i had imagined. A duet singing of two empty stomachs during the middle of class, two lines of dripping sweats on football field in the burning sun, and four desirous eyes staring on anything food-related in sight... Mae and I suffered, struggled, and failed after two weeks.
The failure almost stroke me down: I felt useless with a broken promise that she will change. My zeal, my passion, and my aspiration seems to become nothing all at once. She is still as unnoticeable as she was, and I was still the only one who saw her. However, the phrase "give up" was not in my vocabulary. Mae and I started over with a new strategy of weight-losing: focusing on something else while on a diet. School works, community services, and student council positions -- we did a variety of activities to keep us busy and distract us from hunger and pain.
"Do you know that the girl in our class, Mae, is organizing a charitable fundraiser with Sylvia." "I know! She's like a completely different person now." I was probably the last one to notice, not until overhearing the gossips in the hallway, that without a significant weight loss, Mae has been changed directly from the inside with my help. Now she is as confident, feeling free to speak up her thoughts in class; she is as optimistic, always seeing the bright side with a joyous heart; she is as dedicated, toiling to do everything and believes that she will succeed. And I has learned a lot from her as well. Her carefulness made me think twice before everything I do, and her humility taught me to be modest, always knowing that there are people to learn from. Though Mae and I haven't gone too far shaping slimmer bodies yet, I found us already succeeded in shaping stronger personalities.
Therefore I realized how much I've gained from my friendship with Mae. With an open heart that truly loves him/herself, anyone could be whom I had helped Mae to become. And now I know that appearances can indeed be deceiving - it's the soul sealed within that is the key to happiness.
The theme of the essay is very sweet; however, there is a lot of work to be done.
First, what is the essay topic and how long does it need to be?
You have a problem with tenses, you switch from the past tense to the present tense sometimes in the same sentence which makes your essay confusing. Figure out what tense you want to write in, and then try to keep it that same tense throughout. Even better, have someone (like a teacher) help you with verb tenses.
Some of the descriptions sound like you took a thesaurus and picked out a random word that you don't really know the meaning of. Examples: intensive curiosity, explosive enthusiasm, redundant big body. Make sure the words you are using agree with what you're describing.
Also, in the 5th paragraph, I'd leave out the quotations and start the paragraph a different way. The quotes are unnecessary and I don't understand where you're going with them.
In the last paragraph, reword the sentence without using "therefore." That word is out of place there. Same paragraph, don't use a slash for "his/herself." "His or herself" is more proper.
Fix up this essay and it will be great!
alalaprincess thanks for the advice, i actually thought about breaking the conversation into separate paragraphs, but i wondered if that'll make the structure not as clear. now that everyone mentioned it, i guess i'll just get it fixed. :D
