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"Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis"; Stanford supplement- Intellectual vitality



karizma101 4 / 13  
Dec 24, 2012   #1
Prompt: Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

My eyes snapped open and I sat up straighter. A huge, silent yawn escaped my mouth before I had the time to stop it. My AP Biology teacher appeared to be still lecturing gene expression, for about the tenth time in the past five classes. It's the same process every day: transcription, RNA splicing, translation, and post-translational modification. Just as my eyes were about to close against my brain's orders, my teacher said something different.

"Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis, or PGD, allows the manipulation of genes that transcript the embryo's physiology such as gender, eye color, hair color, and complexion. And not too far in the future, parents will also have the option to dictate the embryo's athletic, intellectual, and artistic ability", he said in the same bored, monotonous voice. Oh cool. Designer babies. I thought to myself. My teacher continued, "It has allowed thousands of couples to dodge some of the world's deadliest genetic disorders. Today, in-vitro fertilization clinics across the globe are offering these services."

At home, I stood in front of my parent's 6-feet long mirror. The girl staring back at me is rather disproportionate with short, bulky legs and a slim torso. Her bushy hair is twice as large as her face, which has its own imperfections. If my parents had the choice of PGD, would they have designed a girl with flawless skin, silky hair, and the hourglass body? Or would her intellectual abilities compensate for her physical errors? All of a sudden, I saw the future with a mixture of technological robots that resemble humans and designer humans that behave like robots. Is this what our world is working towards: a more extreme homogenous population? Isn't the world globalized enough already? While my thoughts might be passionate and scientifically inaccurate, they help me get through the day. It's these thoughts that question behaviors and actions. It's these thoughts that help me look past someone's physical "flaws". They make me a better person and in some ways, a more intellectual one.

yisha 6 / 21  
Dec 24, 2012   #2
Oh cool. Designer babies. I thought to myself.

It is not so formal. Probably you can change it like "Design babies, the amazing ideas suddenly fascinated me."

All of a sudden, I saw the future with a mixture of technological robots that resemble humans and designer design humans that behave like robots.

The opening is attractive. But maybe that would make the admission officers think that you are not so interested in biology?
Your last paragragh is a little bit confusing.
It is hard to drive such an ethical problem, so I suggest you clearing your head first.
What do you want to express? How can you state them logically and precisely?
And then to show your special intellectual vitality in an positive attitude.
Overall your essay has few grammatical problems and you can greatly improve it after you solve the problem of the last paragraph.

I will be appreciated if you can have a look on the second draft of my Cornell essay.
Wish you good luck!
VVCepheiA 11 / 30  
Dec 24, 2012   #3
Generally the idea is good, the quotes from your teacher are a bit too much though.
Maybe you can provide some more anecdotes, stories and examples.
Try to make your ending more powerful and impressive :)
Sabahat 3 / 6  
Dec 25, 2012   #4
My eyes snapped open and I sat up straighter.

I would suggest that you either move the first sentence to the last or restructure your paragraph around the first sentence for example: "My eyes snapped open and I sat up straighter. my teacher said something different..." something along those lines coz your first sentence doesn't seem to fit well with the second and third sentence. whereas it would sound much better if you ended your paragraph with: "Just as my eyes were about to close against my brain's orders, my teacher said something different. My eyes snapped open and I sat up straighter." Just my opinion.

Overall the topic is good but it would be better if you sounded a bit more interested in Biology if you are majoring along those lines.

Last paragraph I feel that you have left some questions unanswered or have not answered them completely so review that but you are on the right track.
bigchau 5 / 16  
Dec 26, 2012   #5
interesting post. What i have to say is that it takes a refreshing approach but the end seems underwhelming and strikes one as cliched.


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