Please tell us more about yourself. Relate one or more experiences or circumstances that have contributed to your personal and/or academic development. If you have been out of school for a year or longer, please discuss your activities during that period of time.
When I think of Temple University, the aspect that most impress me and fan my desire to immerse myself in this prestigious learning environment are Temple University's excellent resources. In addition to having some of the most recognized and lauded faculty in the world, Temple is committed to maintaining a diverse student population.
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Hello! My edits and revisions are below:
When I think of Temple University, the aspect that (is the most impressive) most impress ( to)me and fan my desire to immerse myself in this prestigious learning environment are ( the) Temple University's excellent resources. In addition to having some of the most recognized and lauded faculty in the world, Temple is committed to maintaining a diverse student population. As person of African heritage who grew up in America, and is now planning to embark on my university studies, I see this commitment to diversity( by Temple University) as an essential element that will benefit me greatly not for a college experience but for a lifetime. I also believe that I will contribute so much at Temple University with my "unique" ways.
(Start this paragraph by highlighting your "unique" contribution as being a dancer or learning from your dance experience.)
I learned all about leadership through my high school's dance line. Even if, at first I only wanted to be on the team to become one of the "It-girls," the challenges that the team encountered showed me that there is more in being a popular dancer. One becomes popular because she has to lead her teammates, the band(,) and the whole school to share in (the) strong camaraderie and support one another. A dancer should be able to influence others with "sassy" dancing and moves, no matter what happens.On top of establishing and keeping school camaraderie, my dance line team had to do a lot of preparations for both football and parade season. After school hours, we spent much time practicing and improving our choreography and overall presentation. Discouragement often presented itself to us, but I, as the co-captain of the flag line team continued to give hope to my team. I believed that every situation can be an opportunity if only you look at in such a manner. ( Keep this all one paragraph)
Moving on the college, I will turn to more I look forward to serious preoccupations like ( such as) the student council. While intensely involved in my studies, I will hope to be the head of the student council during my college years. I want to work closely with different students and college professors and honed my interpersonal skills. I know how to listen to what others have to say and tell them my side in the most assertive manner. I want to be able to establish various changes in school including more orderly and efficient career affairs and more diverse and interesting extracurricular activities that can prepare students for the working life.
Going through high school changed my perspective of life. I learned how to be outgoing and contribute to the improvement and benefit of others more than mine. Now, I am getting ready for greater challenges. I realize, however, that staying ahead of other is no easy task. Going to college is not much like managing a dance line team or a student council either. Nevertheless, despite whatever my major obstacles I will have to face, I will remain optimistic, as I have always been. I am very confident that I will not just benefit from my studies(,) but also be able to surpass problems using everything that I have learned.
I know that I am young and( missing a word here, consider revising this sentence) career path I find myself on after earning an undergraduate degree may be very different than what I envision now , but I plan to make my college education a well rounded and broadening one that hopefully will allow me to explore both my academic and artistic interests so that wherever the future takes me I will have a solid foundation upon which to build a career. I know that in the mean time , I will find the same fulfillment again ( throughout college) as I did during my high school years a dancer. That This is why I am eager to begin the process at Temple University. I have every reason to expect that my academic performance and my social credentials while pursuing my degree at Temple University will be no less than impressive.[/quote]
Great essay! I love how you tied everything together! Please be clear on which paragraphs are related to your academic and personal development. I knew what it was as I read through, but be clear so the person admitting you to the college know you are answering the questions in the prompt and pointing these experiences out. Try reading your last paragraph out loud to yourself, some of the words are confusing, then rewrite it. This will help make the last paragraph clearer.
Good luck! :)
