"Pride in my African-American heritage, math is fine too" - SOP

I need help with statements for a college application. I just need for them to be proofread. I want someone else's opinion on what to change or what not to change. I want them to be PERFECT!

The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

Statement One;
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

My presence will enrich the community in many ways. I have a lot to offer this campus and the community. I will bring my willingness to learn and my calm but sweet personality to the community. A strong pride in my African-American heritage will also come with me.

Although I have been described as a sweet person, people have also said I am strong. I have been through more than you can imagine. Born as a premature baby, I weighed only 1 pound and 13 ounces. I had to have a surgery to remove seventy-five percent of my intestines and I was diagnosed with a condition called short-bowel syndrome. Because of this, I had to be fed through a g-tube for most of my life. After staying in the hospital for approximately six months, I was finally able to go home with my family.

Just a few years later I was on my way back to the hospital. At eight years old I was in the hospital for an open heart surgery. The doctors had found a small hole in my heart and the purpose of the surgery was to patch it. When I awoke, once again my mother was right by my side. My family visited me as often as they could while I was in hospital for a few weeks. I was ecstatic when I was finally able to go home to be with my family.

My family has been with me through every single trial and tribulation that I have ever had the displeasure of going through. Even with the recent death of my father, my family still remains the glue that holds me together. I love them for always being there for me. Without them I don't know where I would be.

Not only am I a sweet, strong person; I am a survivor. I feel that the community and the campus will be greatly enriched by someone like me. So if I am granted acceptance into this university, I will be very grateful.

Tell us about your academic goals, circumstances that may have had an impact on your academic performance, and, in general, anything else you would like us to know in making an admission decision.

Statement Two;
I think of myself as a rather intelligent person, but I'm not so good in all subjects. Math is the subject that causes me grief. Sometimes it can be very easy to me and at times it can be hard to figure out. I find math to be one of the most difficult subjects there ever was. Math has made an impact on my grades in the past.

One example was in high school. I had a Pre-Calculus class and I failed every single test I was given except for maybe one or two. I didn't have a clue what I was doing. Even when the teacher helped me, I still didn't understand it. He helped me out as much as he could but could not figure out the work out he was giving me. By a miracle, I passed the class by the skin of my teeth. That had to be the only class where I felt like a complete idiot.

Although I am not good at math, I think that tutoring could help me. I'm not afraid to admit when I need help. Better study skills and a tutor would definitely help me earn better grades. My major goal is to make it through college and earn a degree. The opportunity to walk across the stage again would be exhilarating. I am looking forward to doing my best in college. I will also make great efforts to earn the best grades that I can.

My presence will enrich the community in many ways. This sentence is uninteresting and unnecessary.

I have a lot to offer this campus and the community. This, too. Not meaningful.

I think this would be great as the first sentence:
I will bring my willingness to learn, my calmness, and my sweet personality to the community.

...greatly enriched by someone like me. ---It will b e good if you add a few sentences about how people can benefit by being around someone who knows what you know.

You have struggled a lot! I think you'll make a very strong contribution to your school and professional field.

Here is aplace where the word "that" is unnecessary:
Although I am not good at math, I think that tutoring could help me.

I am looking forward to doing my best in college. I will also make great efforts to earn the best grades that I can. These two sentences mean the same thing. I think you should replace them with a few sentences about the kind of profession you might like.

:-)

Thank you very much for the feedback! It was very helpful & I appreciate the nice comments.
I'll be sure to make changes to improve my essay. I'm trying to get into Spelman.
Wish me luck! =)

What about now??

STATEMENT ONE:
I will bring my willingness to learn, my calmness, and my sweet personality to the community. A strong pride in my African-American heritage will also come with me.

Although I have been described as a sweet person, people have also described as strong. I have been through more than you can imagine. Born as a premature baby, I weighed only 1 pound and 13 ounces. I had to have a surgery to remove seventy-five percent of my intestines and I was diagnosed with a condition called short-bowel syndrome. After I spent approximately the first six months of my life in the hospital, my mother was finally able to take me home. That was by far the last hospital visit that I have had.

Just a few years later I was on my way back to the hospital. At eight years old I was in the hospital for an open heart surgery. The doctors had found a small hole in my heart and the purpose of the surgery was to patch it. When I awoke, once again my mother was right by my side. My family visited me as often as they could while I was in hospital for a few weeks. I was happy to be home once again.

I don't think the medical conditions that I pulled through are the only things that make me a strong person. I believe that after dealing with the recent death of my father and remaining a sane person makes me strong also. I watched him suffer from brain damage for a whole year because someone ran him over in their truck and never looked back. My heart ached every time I went to see him. I must admit, I was a bit relieved when he finally passed because I hated seeing him go through so much pain. Besides my mother, he is one of my biggest inspirations to go to college. I want him to look down at me from heaven and feel proud that his baby girl that almost didn't make it to be one year old is making something of herself.

After all that I have been through I still to this day remain the same sweet, quiet person that I've always been. I feel that not only am I a sweet and strong person, but I'm a survivor. I feel that the community and the campus will be greatly enriched by someone like me. My story may be inspirational to someone else one day. Right now I'm confused as to what career path I want to travel yet but I will know one day. I am considering becoming a pediatrician or a pediatric nurse to prevent what something like what happened to me when I was a baby. So if I am granted acceptance into this university, I will be very grateful.

STATEMENT TWO:
I think of myself as a rather intelligent person, but I'm not so good in all subjects. Math is the subject that causes me grief. Sometimes it can be very easy to me and at times it can be hard to understand. I find math to be one of the most difficult subjects there ever was. Math has really made an impact on my grades in the past.

One example was in high school. I had a Pre-Calculus class and I failed every single test I was given except for maybe one or two. I didn't have a clue what I was doing. Even when the teacher helped me, I still didn't understand it. He helped me out as much as he could but I could not figure out the work out he was giving me. By a miracle, I passed the class by the skin of my teeth. That had to be the only class I have ever had where I felt like a complete idiot.

Although I am not good at math, I think tutoring could help me. I'm not afraid to admit when I need help. Better study skills and a tutor would definitely help me earn better grades. My major goal is to make it through college and earn a degree. The opportunity to walk across the stage again would be exhilarating. As I stated in my first statement, I don't know what career I want yet. Although my major is undecided at the moment, I plan to make the best effort to succeed in college.