please edit the essay and be a critical as possible, the essay prompt is:
Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.
Communities are truly complete when they have a rainbow of cultures shining over them. Throughout my life I have learned that the mere presence of the diversity of cultures is not enough, the cultures must coexist and share their fascinating rituals, intriguing history, captivating traditions, delicious cuisines, and stimulating religions. Being an immigrant I did not naturally fit in with the rest of the school kids I was picked as a child for my "weirdness" this was very upsetting I would cry and wish I was like rest of the kids. But as I grew I came to understand that I was not weird, just different, and the other kids needed to recognize this, thus I decided no longer would I sit there and take their harsh comments I would explain my beautiful Pakistani heritage. Our quick comments about me turned to discussions about our backgrounds which eventually blossomed to friendship. They would ask me questions about my culture to which I did not have the answers, their interest in my culture showed me how little I knew of my culture and religion, how little I know myself. I went to my parents the library and the internet, and finally knew what it meant to be a Pakistani American. The comfort I felt was amazing. I went from being a social outcast to socially active, it was not enough just for me to feel this I needed to spread the awareness, hence I attempting to start the Carteret culture club, in this club students would share their cultural backgrounds, stories of their homeland, and celebrate holidays as whole not as separate clicks. My principle loved the idea but unfortunately our school did not have the financial aid to fund this club. But this situation did not stop me from fulfilling my need to understand the other around me. Every chance I get to learn about a new culture I take it.
The vibrant community at Rutgers University will benefit me in numerous ways. America is a great country; it is one of the only in which you could find every nationality, so it would be fitting that an American would go to a college that as many the backgrounds. Upon exiting the university I would have learned to work with many types of people, which is a pivotal skill in the job world.
Communities are truly complete when they have a rainbow of cultures shining over them. Throughout my life I have learned that the mere presence of diversity within cultures is not enough.These cultures must coexist and share their fascinating rituals, intriguing history, captivating traditions, delicious cuisines, and stimulating religions. (Felt like a bit of a run-on so I split them into two sentences to flow easier.)As an immigrant, I did not naturally fit in with the other school kids. I was picked as a child for my awkwardness and this was very upsetting for me. I would cry and wish that I was like rest of the kids. As I grew, however, I came to understand that I was not weird, just different, and that the other kids needed to recognize this. I decided that I would no longer sit and take the harsh comments of others and I would explain my beautiful Pakistani heritage. Comments turned to discussions about our backgrounds, which eventually blossomed into friendships. They would ask me questions about my culture that even I didn't know how to answer; their interest in my culture showed me how little I knew of my culture and religion, how little I know myself. I wanted to learn more and so I gathered research from my parents, the library, and the internet. Finally knew what it meant to be a Pakistani American and the comfort I felt was amazing. I went from being a social outcast to an active member of society and it was not enough for me to just feel this happiness. I needed to spread the awareness, and so I attempting to start the Carteret culture club, where students would share their cultural backgrounds, stories of their homeland, and celebrate holidays as whole not as separate cliques . My principle loved the idea but unfortunately our school did not have the financial aid to fund this club. This situation did not stop me from fulfilling my need to understand the others around me. I take every chance I get to learn about a new culture.
The vibrant community at Rutgers University will benefit me in numerous ways. America is a great country; it is one of the only countries in which you can find every nationality, so it would only be fitting that an American would go to a college such diversity. Upon exiting the university I will have learned to work with many types of people, a pivotal skill in the job world.
There are quite a bit of grammatical errors in the essay, most of which I tried to rectify. However, the meanings behind the essay and the examples you provide are very powerful. I think if you take a second read at your essay tomorrow, you will gain insight on the paper.
