Hey guys,
Please help me critique this essay. I am concerned about the content as well as if it flows well and the grammar.
Also, the essay is about 639 words long. The Princeton supplement says it should be "about 500 words." Any ideas on how to bring the word count to near 500-525?
Thanks! Tear it up.
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Using the quotation below as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world.
"Some questions cannot be answered./ They become familiar weights in the hand,/ Round stones pulled from the pocket, unyielding and cool."
-Jane Hirshfield, poet, Princeton Class of 1973
Surrounded by colossal trees and the soft rustling of nature, I followed my dad and carefully ascended the incline. The afternoon sun penetrated the forest ceiling, warming my back as the hiking trail approached a clearing. I shrugged off my pack and pulled out a water bottle. Hoping to regain some energy, I sat on a fallen log. As I took a few precious sips of water, an insect, black with crimson wings, crawled out of a crevice near me. I held out a stick for it to climb onto and placed the insect gently on the floor. It twitched slightly before scurrying back into the log.
I realized that the log and surrounding are constituted the insect's entire realm of understanding. It knew nothing outside those bounds. From its perspective, I was a supernatural being, able to control its fate. Recognizing how narrow its version of the world was, I smiled.
When we returned to camp, I settled in a cozy seat near the campfire, ready to gobble up the dinner prepared by my family. The others joined me awhile, but one by one they all vanished into their tents to rest.
This all went unnoticed, because something more interesting had caught my attention: the sky. I sat in complete silence, flabbergasted by thousands of shimmering stars, unaffected by the usual light pollution. I searched the sky for some break, some limit to the beauty, but the stars seemed to continue endlessly above the treetops. I felt so miniscule, a mere teenager in the presence of celestial beings. What was out there? Who was out there?
Slowly, mesmerized by the starry night, I drifted into the dream world. I floated out of my seat and began zooming through space, leaving Earth behind. I broke the barrier of impossibility, reaching warp speed and simply brushing aside Einstein's general relativity. I sought to reach the edge of the Universe, catch that which was moving away. As I kept going, however, millions of stars and galaxies passed me, but there seemed to be no end ahead. As I slowed down, disheartened, I was caught by an immense black hole. I spiraled inward toward nothingness. I screamed but no sound came out.
Startled, I jumped out of my seat. I paced around the fire, trying to slow down my respiration and calm my nerves. I stared at the ground, afraid to look at the immensity of the sky, and tried to recount what I saw.
It was impossible for me to reach the edge of the Universe and learn what lies outside it. I realized that I was like that insect, confined to Earth and the surrounding space. Outside the visible universe, there was much I could not perceive, could not imagine. This did not mean that I was destined to be ignorant. Instead, I needed to expand my realm of understanding, break out of the bounds. However, there would always be ideas I could not comprehend. Thus, I needed to be open-minded, even to the possibility that our Universe is just a log for some larger being to sit on.
As I reconciled with my fears, I looked up at the sky once again. There it was, ever-present and unyieldingly flawless, giving no indication of revealing the truth.
Calico Edit Delete Move 69.116.116.188
Dec 30, 2009 #4
Please help me critique this essay. I am concerned about the content as well as if it flows well and the grammar.
Also, the essay is about 639 words long. The Princeton supplement says it should be "about 500 words." Any ideas on how to bring the word count to near 500-525?
Thanks! Tear it up.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------
Using the quotation below as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world.
"Some questions cannot be answered./ They become familiar weights in the hand,/ Round stones pulled from the pocket, unyielding and cool."
-Jane Hirshfield, poet, Princeton Class of 1973
Surrounded by colossal trees and the soft rustling of nature, I followed my dad and carefully ascended the incline. The afternoon sun penetrated the forest ceiling, warming my back as the hiking trail approached a clearing. I shrugged off my pack and pulled out a water bottle. Hoping to regain some energy, I sat on a fallen log. As I took a few precious sips of water, an insect, black with crimson wings, crawled out of a crevice near me. I held out a stick for it to climb onto and placed the insect gently on the floor. It twitched slightly before scurrying back into the log.
I realized that the log and surrounding are constituted the insect's entire realm of understanding. It knew nothing outside those bounds. From its perspective, I was a supernatural being, able to control its fate. Recognizing how narrow its version of the world was, I smiled.
When we returned to camp, I settled in a cozy seat near the campfire, ready to gobble up the dinner prepared by my family. The others joined me awhile, but one by one they all vanished into their tents to rest.
This all went unnoticed, because something more interesting had caught my attention: the sky. I sat in complete silence, flabbergasted by thousands of shimmering stars, unaffected by the usual light pollution. I searched the sky for some break, some limit to the beauty, but the stars seemed to continue endlessly above the treetops. I felt so miniscule, a mere teenager in the presence of celestial beings. What was out there? Who was out there?
Slowly, mesmerized by the starry night, I drifted into the dream world. I floated out of my seat and began zooming through space, leaving Earth behind. I broke the barrier of impossibility, reaching warp speed and simply brushing aside Einstein's general relativity. I sought to reach the edge of the Universe, catch that which was moving away. As I kept going, however, millions of stars and galaxies passed me, but there seemed to be no end ahead. As I slowed down, disheartened, I was caught by an immense black hole. I spiraled inward toward nothingness. I screamed but no sound came out.
Startled, I jumped out of my seat. I paced around the fire, trying to slow down my respiration and calm my nerves. I stared at the ground, afraid to look at the immensity of the sky, and tried to recount what I saw.
It was impossible for me to reach the edge of the Universe and learn what lies outside it. I realized that I was like that insect, confined to Earth and the surrounding space. Outside the visible universe, there was much I could not perceive, could not imagine. This did not mean that I was destined to be ignorant. Instead, I needed to expand my realm of understanding, break out of the bounds. However, there would always be ideas I could not comprehend. Thus, I needed to be open-minded, even to the possibility that our Universe is just a log for some larger being to sit on.
As I reconciled with my fears, I looked up at the sky once again. There it was, ever-present and unyieldingly flawless, giving no indication of revealing the truth.
Calico Edit Delete Move 69.116.116.188
Dec 30, 2009 #4
Do You Need