Which Professor offers faculty and research opportunities? Essay...

*** offers its undergraduates an eminent faculty and a wealth of research opportunities. Use the space below to name a ***professor with whom you would like to study or conduct research and explain why. (It is not our expectation that you contact faculty directly to answer this question.)

I remember staying up late on election night 2004, a bag of popcorn in one hand and the remote in the other, nervously flipping back and forth between CNN and NBC. Eagerly counting down the minutes until the next polls closed and watching the colors on the map appear was exhilarating, and ever since I have been certain that I would major in political science. I know I have the passion and the commitment to get the degree, but what has always worried me is my subsequent career path. For guidance, I would look to members of the *** faculty like Professor Brendan O'Leary. Not only is Professor O'Leary distinguished in his field, he also puts his ideas into action through his work in Iraq. I look forward to working with Professor O'Leary because I believe that he will be both an effective and inspiring teacher, as well as a mentor and adviser who could help steer me in my political science studies.

Hi!
I think your essay is a good start. The imagery is well done. However, you should elaborate more upon Professor O'Leary, otherwise you could have simply inserted any professor's name in that essay (make it more personal and show that you took the time researching about the professor).

Also, when you say you have the passion and commitment, show that you do, don't simply state. Give examples.

Thanks cheeku for the tips

FINAL DRAFT, read this one! It's shorter and more on-point:

Ever since the thrill of my first election night in 2004, I knew I wanted to major in political science. Teachers and friends, however, continue to try to convert me, asking what I will do with such a degree. And while I am adamant about my desire to study the political process, I must admit that I, too, am unsure. For guidance, I will look to members of the Penn faculty like Professor Brendan O'Leary. I was particularly impressed by the following line from his "Letter from Kurdistan:"

"One of the purposes of Penn's Solomon Asch Center is to assist in the reduction of national and ethnic conflict, which is why I accepted the invitation to act as a constitutional advisor to the Kurdistan Regional Government."

To me it showed how Penn faculty like Professor O'Leary not only teach the material, but also leave campus to apply their lessons to real-world problems I look forward to working with him, and I believe he will be an insightful adviser to help guide me in my studies at Penn.

Nicely done, with this improved draft. Here is room for improvement:

To me, it showed that a Penn faculty like Professor O'Leary does more than teach the material; he also leaves campus to assist with real-world problems. I look forward to working with him, and I believe he will be an insightful adviser to help guide me in my studies at Penn.

assist! yes! that was the word I was looking for! I knew it began with an "a"

Thanks (again!) Kevin