"promote Asian culture to society" - CommonApp - found SilkRoad@SZ(NGO)

After I saw the children who showed great eager to study on the photos, I really grateful for the experience of founding SilkRoad in SZ. A NGO originally founded in California by a Chinese student, SilkRoad's goal is to promote Asian culture to society, raising money for people in need, and developing education in their world countries.

In the last whole year, we held charity sales, conducted fund-raising, and helped the education in poor area in China. SilkRoad gives me the chance to do charity directly but not just donate money to an organization. I contacted three high schools in SZ to collect books and stationaries for Hong Kong Baptist University Gansu&Guizhou Sustainable Service Team. After the donated things were given to the students there, I received testimonials and photos I mentioned in the beginning from them. I realized maybe I did a little for improving the situation, but they received hopes rather than books.

There is already 156 words...is that ok?
And please give me some advice~~both the words and content~thx^^

After I saw the children who showed great eagerness to study on the photos, I am really grateful for the experience of founding SilkRoad in SZ (I dont think you should use an abbreviation in any app essay, it would leave the readers doubtful. Just name the place) . A NGOnon-governmental organization originally founded in California by a Chinese student, SilkRoad's goal is to promote Asian culture to the society, raise money for the people in need, and develope education in their world countries.

Last year , we held charity sales, conducted fund-raising, and helpedimprove the education in poor areas in China. SilkRoad gives me the chance to do charity directly but not just donate money to an organization. I contacted three high schools in SZ to collect books and stationaries for Hong Kong Baptist University Gansu&Guizhou Sustainable Service Team. After the donated things (I think you should be more specific. Paint us the picture what "things" you are actually talking about) were given to the students there, I received testimonials and photos I mentioned in the beginning from them. I realized maybe I did a little for improving the situation, but they received hopes rather than books.

An impressive story :)
still, I found some grammatical mistakes that you should fix :)
After reading your essay, there are still some questions on my mind. If you can answer them all and state it clearly in ur writing, your essay would be tremendously improved.

The first sentence is really ambiguous.
It should be like "Seeing the photo of children who were eager to receive education, I was..."
What is SZ? Who exactly founded the organization (you or a Chinese student?)
Why this org is so special to you that you want to write about it?
Why, for you, doing charity is better than giving money?
You contacted the 3 schools to get books and then donate them but you said "I realized maybe I did a little for improving the situation, but they received hopes rather than books."

That is quite contradictory.
You should tell me more how you feel about the experience.
Touched? Happy?
Glad to help the students? Does it affect you to be mature? More considerate of others?
More thankful for your own fortune?
How does it affect you?

Hope you find it helpful!