PURDUE's "my autobiography - digital life"

Envision yourself near the end of a fulfilling, lifelong career and you just published your autobiography. Share the title and introduction.

now is my essay.

Life is a 3 digital movie
There was a saying, "The life like play".
I shall say, Life is more than a play. Because your future is always unpredictable and marvelous coincidences are always around the corner.
So exactly as my title, my autobiography will divided into 3 parts, or more precisly, 3 digitals.
First Digital. SPOT AND LAST
Look out every small things happened in your life, they might be the fork for your future. Several stories of mine will be portrayed indicating how one "small thing" infulenced my whole life.

For instance, I was selected to be the class monitor by my class adviser as we attended the primary school. From then on, I would stood out and chaired spontaneously when there was no assigned leader even in the class discussion. This 4-year job shaped me a lot, though sometimes it led me adopt a little bit arbitrary, it brought me more benefits such as resolution and leadership. It has helped me a lot afterwards, such as hosting the Macau Singing Competition in my university and Guangdong Culture Festival successfully as the leader of the Cantonese Language Association.

Second Digital. POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE
Everyone has his/her own peculiarities, these peculiarities are affected under different condition to impart different influence to their subjects.This part will talk about how my negative features develop into positive ones.

Take my communicative for example, I really wasn't a talktive child before. It would make me more comfort when I was alone, because I was afraid of the awkward in the communications. However, consorting with people is inevitable, I did experienced lots of "awkward" in this pocess, and these experiences taught me watched and learned people's emotions. Through years of intense exposure to these practice and self-learning psychology, I could easily create the natural conversation feel and maintain good relationship with people. At present, communicate is just like breath to me.

Third Digital. RISE AND FALL
Life is always bouncing ups and downs, several fluctuations of mine will be described in this part.
For example, I was left in Beijing alone to get in the high school when I was 16. At the begining, I often felt that I was such a negligible and helpless girl. My classmates and I did not have topics to chat, the life style were different from my hometowns, even my parents could not be around me and encourage me. This situation lasted for half a year, only books and the phone calls from my parents helped me to spend this dull and lonely days.

Thanks to the hard life, I got good grades in all kinds of exams at the end of that term. This attracted my teachers' attention and considerations, and my classmates would asked me academic questions. I caught the chances. Another half years pasted, I not only got acquainted with lots of interesting people, even set up a band with a group of friends who also learned music, but also learned a lot, of either academic side or thing-dealing side. Although there was no very great achievement, I did obtain numorous pleasures, and what matters more is I achieved my aim of pursuing my studies by myself in Beijing -- admitted by the ideal university.

to tell you the truth, i even don't know weather my understanding of the question is right.
i've written my common app's personal statement so i got some experience of this stuff, and i think this one is OK? i guess?

well, i hope it does't suck and i really appreciate every suggestion!!!!!

thanx alot!!!!

Hi :) Interesting essay! You have many good ideas.
I can help you with some minor issues:

Thereis a saying, "The life like play".
Do you mean to say "life is like a play"??

I shall say, Life is more than a play, b ecause your future is always unpredictable, and marvelous coincidences are always around the corner.
So exactly as my title states , my autobiography will be divided into 3 parts, or more precisly, 3 digitals.
I would revise this sentence to make your argument more clear. I don't feel convinced that "life is more than a play"-- back this up with a strong statement.

Look out every small things happened in your life, they might be the fork for your future.
This doesn't really make sense. Explain the "small thing" concept in a separate sentence, then you may want to say "every small opportunity that you take in your life may lead to changes in the future."

Several stories of mine will be portrayed indicating how one "small thing" infulenced my whole life.
You could say "I will portray several stories, which are indications of how "small things" have influenced my life.

Everyone has his/her own peculiarities, these peculiarities are affected under different condition to impart different influence to their subjects.This part will talk about how my negative features develop into positive ones.

This sentence is confusing and hard to read... You are trying to say: "Each person has their own unique qualities, which can easily influence other people; positively or negatively."

Keep working on your grammar, stay focused on the topic(its all about you- because its an autobiography), try not to state the obvious. Be original, and let your personality shine! Good luck in school!

Thanks so much for your suggestions!!
I am so embarrassed!! it should be the 3 DIMENSIONAL MOVIE, i did not realize it until a friend told me this morning...

there are some queries about your suggestions.
1,


this was copy from my last statement, the original one is
"everybody came to this world as the same, except that they all had their own peculiarities. These peculiarities have no difference in terms of good or bad, they are affected under different condition to impart different influence to their subjects, therefore creating different people."

i wanna say, that one peculiarity/quality could be different(positive/negative) under different environments. (does it make sense to you? i am really weak on expression...especially in English...)

2.when you are saying this,


you mean i should use specific stories instead of the "i am good/i am communicative" sentence, right?

THANX AGAIN!!

Hi :) No worries! You are doing fine. About your questions:

this was copy from my last statement, the original one is
"everybody came to this world as the same, except that they all had their own peculiarities. These peculiarities have no difference in terms of good or bad, they are affected under different condition to impart different influence to their subjects, therefore creating different people."

i wanna say, that one peculiarity/quality could be different(positive/negative) under different environments. (does it make sense to you? i am really weak on expression...especially in English...)

You have the right idea, and you are trying to link this idea to your own personal experience. I know you are trying to show the reader that you think critically and philosophically. This statement is not necessary, if you are having a lot of trouble with it. However, it still sounds confusing. Maybe try saying this through a metaphor? I have a better idea: this is the best way I can think of to write the sentence:

Each individual is born with unique qualities, which are influenced by their environment. The atmosphere that surrounds a person can shape their attitude, and influence their personality, for good or for bad.

try not to state the obvious Just a pointer. It helps to be aware of this when you continue editing. The grammar in your last two paragraphs needs some work as well.