The influence my family has had on me has shaped me into the teenager I am today and the man I will become. From my family I have learned manners and responsibility, but what I learned most from my family is that which I have yet to experience; my life in the future when I am married and have a family. My family has provided me with the foundation for the rest of my life.
What I have learned from my family is that even though money sounds like the best thing in the world right now, when I get older, I better not let my life revolve around money. The one thing I cannot do is let myself get mesmerized by the business world. I will definitely go to college, have a career, and make money but I am going to make sure to spend time with my family. Money cannot buy happiness. Yes, with money I can afford to eat at the most expensive restaurants and have the most elaborate furniture, but a couch is never going to return my love. My wife and children are going to return my love. I have been lucky enough to be part of a family that cares and loves deeply for one another. A bond that is centered around so much love that one would willingly jump in front of a moving car to save the life of another member of the family. This is the everlasting bond that I have learned to be a part of.
I come from a big family, and when I look around and see my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and the rest of my family, I see that they are all happiest when they are with their families; not when they are out spending money. My family is a low income family. We have been on and off food stamps but we are happy, and that is what truly matters in life. Of course times have been harsh where we had to cut down on certain luxuries but even during those times we were happy. We still all loved each other, and it was times like that that made us even closer.
I know that when I have a family, I am going to make sure to spend time with my wife and children. I will attend my children's school plays and graduations, and I will always be there watching them grow. I have seen my cousins get married and I have seen the expression on my mother's face when she gave birth, and never have I seen them happier. I have learned that the true meaning of living is loving and caring for one another and I am never going to forget that. I have learned what makes the perfect family because I have been exposed to it my whole life. It has nothing to do with money, but everything to do with ones love for one another.
Nikolaos Koskinas
Yes, I know this essay needs a lot of editing to it. Before i go on with this essay to revise it I want to know exactly how powerful this essay is for undergrad admission to college. Your editing will be greatly appreciated because I have been having a lot of trouble writing this essay and getting my ideas down strong. I have re-written it a couple of times all ready. I believe this is my third or fourth draft. If you could, i would like to know if i have a strong introductory paragraph and a strong opening sentence, and if i have a strong closing sentence, and if not, any advice on making them strong sentences will be very much appreciated. Lastly, this essay is topic of my choice and if you believe another prompt would be better than the current one i would like to know what it is. Thank you in advance
Good morning.
I think your opening sentence (as well as the introductory paragraph) are very strong. Your voice is confident, and it seems as though it is a clear indicator of what you will discuss in your essay.
Your second paragraph is also strong; you have good organization and flow. You are staying on topic and the sentences are fluid.
Your closing paragraph is excellent, and your closing paragraph continues the strength of the essay. Your tone is very somber, so your audience can clearly see the importance of your subject matter. You do a great job evaluating how your family has impacted you; you value people in life more than money, and you have a great perspective as to what is most important to your future.
I think this will make a wonderful admissions essay; I wouldn't change a thing. Great work.
Regards,
Gloria
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