'quickly growing as biology' - Statement of Purpose Essay for Admission to Biology

And here is my essay:

After a period of enjoying my newfound adult freedom and careful consideration of the different fields I am interested in, I have decided to pursue a medical degree in order to combine my interests in the sciences, helping others and the human brain. For this reason I am pursuing an undergraduate degree in biology.

I first realized that I had a passion for biology my freshman year in high school. I was fortunate enough to have a hands-off teacher who allowed us to perform our experiments in the lab without over-supervising. Being able to actually experiment, rather than blindly following a step-by-step procedure engaged my mind in a way that I had not experienced before. My passion continued throughout my high school career; I took the AP level biology class my senior year which opened up even more opportunities, including attending an off campus seminar on the benefits of stem cell research.

When I first started college I was extremely unfocused, primarily due to the fact that I wasn't sure what exactly I wanted to do with my life. I considered many options, from teaching to forensic science. What stood out to me through all the options I considered was that I wanted to work in science, and that I wanted to help people. Upon making the decision to become a doctor I focused my undergraduate level studies to the sciences and the human brain, even writing a research paper for my Human Nutrition class linking the onset of Alzheimer's disease to nutrition.

My research into Alzheimer's disease helped me realize my real interest, neurodegenerative diseases. It is my goal to work with people who have diagnosed with such diseases in order to slow, and hopefully one day reverse the damage caused by nerve cell death. I would also like to further my knowledge on the causes of diseases like Alzheimer's so that I can aid in the prevention of disease in people with high risk.

I believe that my driven personality, my desire to learn, and my passion for science would give me the edge that I need to succeed in a discipline as fast paced and quickly growing as biology.

Would anyone mind reading and critiquing it for me? This is draft #3 and I still feel like it is incomplete.
Any help would be appreciated!

To be honest, this feels a lot like just another essay, rather than an area about explaining who you are and why you would add value as an individual to UT.

I think you should really revise and focus on the nature of your experiences in high school - how your "hands-off" professor shaped you to be a "go-getter" type in biology, and how that has had an effect on you as a student and as a person. Maybe about how your potential leadership would make you able to contribute to science, and to help others in need?

You have to show schools why you are different from the others, what makes you more valuable, and why you should be admitted.

I would be happy to read another copy of your essays. Wishing you all the best.

Hi!
The first line itself seems very limp. Try to think of some experience that you can link to your interest in this particular field.
Instead of saying "I first realized that I had a passion for biology my freshman year in high school.", try to explain your lab experiences with your biology teacher and how that inspired you to choose biology for further studies. Also mention some experiences of your AP Biology course.

If you have done any volunteer work, add that also. Connect it with how you feel strongly about helping people.

"What stood out to me through all the options I considered was that I wanted to work in science, and that I wanted to help people. Upon making the decision to become a doctor..." In these two sentences, you have not explained how you decided to become a doctor. I can understand that science and helping people = doctor. But use some other word instead of 'upon'. Something like, "What stood out to me through all the options I considered was that I wanted to work in science, and that I wanted to help people. The natural choice was to become a doctor..."

" It is my goal to work with people who have been diagnosed with such diseases in..."

I hope my comments are helpful! All the best! I will keep a lookout for further drafts from you :)