Help!
Below is my essay. I desperately need help in editing this, in creating a better hook, in showing my character and perhaps a passion. Most importantly, I don't think it fits the prompt very well, which is my main problem.
I wrote and edited this essay a few months ago, until I was satisfied, but looking at it now, it looks horribly inadequete. Maybe it's because my confidence plummeted after being straight-out rejected from Yale instead of a deferral.
Please help. There's only a few weeks until the deadline, and even though this essay is pretty personal, at this point, I'm willing to spill my guts all over you if it can improve my chances.
Chosen Prompt: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
"It's rare for someone so young to contract shingles, but it's still possible. Unfortunately, you'll be stuck here for about a month until the worst passes."
I sat in the hospital bed, replaying the doctor's words. That I would be bedridden for more than a week or two was unfathomable; it was something only seen in movies, and in movies, it boded poorly for the protagonist. But my initial shock was soon replaced by a crushing disappointment. For the first time in five years, my grandmother would be coming to visit from Korea, and, with her old age and increasing frailty, it would probably be her last. My grandmother and I had a unique relationship.
[...]
Maybe you could be more concise in the first part describing your grandmother's visit.
Anyway, I think it's a very great essay and your writing is fluid and vivid. Don't get too disheartened by the rejection, and your essay is not your entire application. Good luck on your application process. :)
Thank you, but I can't help but still feel unsatisfied.
My writing may be fluid and vivid (thank you!), but content is my main area of concern. Does this essay provide a view of someone desirable to colleges? If you were an admissions officer at a selective university, would you pick me over someone else?
My worry is that this essay only places me among the thousands of kind applicants, and doesn't provide anything catching.
Should I, and is it possible to, add any other qualities, such as drive, passion, leadership, or initiative, to this essay that would be more appealing? I'm not trying to create traits, but rather, attempting to find out which of mine I should highlight most.
Thanks again for the kind words
The shingles story is not developing well in my opinion. I also feel that it is not strong enough a prompt for you to be answering. If you don't mind, I would like to offer a few other selections from the prompt topic for you to choose from. These are the prompts which I believe would best help your cause, specially you were already once rejected by Yale. Try to see if you have a proper response from personal experience for any one of the following or all 3:
Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?
Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
These are some of the best common app prompts that normally give the students an easier time in writing their essays. If you need help in choosing a topic, let me know and I will try to come up with a set of guidelines to help you choose one :-)
How about telling a story about how I joined a newly-made club at my school, and, through the course of the year, helped it grow into a state-wide organization? I'd probably focus on that process and how I grew while doing it.
Only problem is, I dunno if that would sound like I'm tootin' my own horn or repeating my resume. I also have no idea how to properly word everything, but that's only editing and practice..
Tecjoon, that sounds like an essay that I can help you spin into becoming a response to the essay prompt. Why don't you write a draft version of it and then post it here for review. There might be a way that we can spin it to present a central identity development for you. Just remember, the activity needs to show that you grew as a person and gained a sense of maturity and a deeper understanding of yourself and your capabilities as the events unfolded. That is how your central identity is developed.
These here are basically my unedited thoughts blathered onto a page/screen. It's still pretty cringe-worthy, but this is the general gist of what I am trying to write about. Of course, I still have a lot to do with this, in making things flow better, in revealing my growth more over TSA's growth. Basically everything.
But it's a start... right? It's currently 678 words, so things have to be edited out, but I've always felt deleting is easier than creating. Hopefully this here is worth keeping and growing. Not sure what else I could write about. But I will what I must..
Most other clubs have a precedent, a history. Not so with the Technology Student Association. The club was over a thousand strong in other states, but in Maryland, it had been completely non-existent until this past year, my sophomore year. Invited by an old teacher, I quickly became a frequenter of the club and its events, which ranged from Robotics to Prepared Presentation and Biomedical Research Display. However, for as much fun as I had, the club remained a niche among students. That year's "conference" if it could be called so, had been a loose union between two schools and a meager twenty people had shown up between the both of us.
[...]
While I think that the idea is excellent, it would be very difficult to turn this idea into an essay that really rivets an admissions officer.
About your admissions, don't be disheartened. Getting in is often flat luck, depending on how many cups of coffee an officer has had or some other thing that has no bearing on you personal ability. Even though your parents may not agree with me, college is what you make of it, and, if you have enough drive, you could make Chico just as good as Yale.
This essay sounds more like a transition to adulthood or memorable experience not covered by the other common prompts response instead of a central identity essay. A central identity essay is one that has to to define who you are now based upon who you were before, your life experiences, and how you responded to those changes in your life. There has a to be a clear visualization of how your character changed for the better because of the event that happened to you. That does not really happen in this particular essay. I have a suggestion, if you can't find a personal experience that best fits in with this prompt, why not try to find a common prompt that best fits with either the first essay or this essay that you wrote instead?
That's what I was afraid of... How would I twist either of these two essays to better fit a central identity essay, or one of the common app prompts? Which one in stronger in terms of ideas?
As far as prompts go, the TSA one may work with the childhood -> adulthood prompt.
I'm not too sure about the Shingles one, but that one would either be the first prompt, or the failure prompt (maybe??). That one is also more developed, but like i said, it may not show the proactiveness of my character..
How's this version? I feel like this much more personal and focused more on my growth. It's probably more genuine than the other one, although, to be completely honest, my reluctance into becoming an officer was chiefly due to the aversion to responsibility, although I do hate public speaking and am pants at organization.
It's currently standing at 643 words.
Over two hundred people clustered together into an auditorium sat squinting up onto the stage illuminated by glaring fluorescent lights. On the stage, the intensity was almost blinding; and yet, it seemed nobody, both those on and off the stage, could hide their smiles of excitement.
[...]
Tecjoon, ask yourself this. "What am I trying to say about my central identity in this essay?" Who are you? What are you in the context of the essay? Does this event convey the image of the central identity you wish to convey to the admissions officers? If you answer yes to all of these questions, then this is the essay that best suits your purpose. On the other hand, if you feel that there is a tremendous lack of development on the central identity development aspect of the essay, then you need to rewrite it. In my opinion, I believe that this essay will work better if, rather than concentrating on the dialogue between you and your teacher, you instead concentrated the essay on who you were when you assumed office, the kind of challenges that you overcame, specifically, the most difficult challenge that you had to overcome, then explain how you overcame that obstacle, you will be able to better explain how this particular event led to the development of a new "central identity" for you. There already portions of the essay that work in your favor, all of the parts referring to the work that you did as a veep can be tweaked to present your new identity instead. Try to think more creatively and reflect upon who you became towards the end of your term as the vice-president. Who were you before and who are you now? That is the central identity you have created for yourself.
Hm, alright, that makes sense. I honestly feel like this 'TSA club' essay reveals a more proactive and attractive part of my personality and demonstrates growth better than the previous essay. Of course, there is always room for development, which is why I'm currently attempting to fix it with your words of advice in mind.
However, I am a little bit reluctant to let go of the beginning dialogue (I've deleted the end dialogue. seemed too runny and wordy, although I liked the last sentence), since I feel it portrays my reluctance and my voice.
Basically, what I was attempting to portray in this essay was that I, in the beginning, was reluctant and apprehensive about starting something that I felt weak in i.e. the responsibilities (organization, public speaking, etc) of the Vice President, but constant trials and tribulations and seeing the growth of TSA, gave me "a purpose and an outlet" to do better in. In the end, I'm supposed to be someone that is willing to try and give my all, to "forfeit any apprehensions and dive in headfirst", and has developed leadership qualities and grown because of it.
Something like that ^
Do you think you can tell me what specifically is lacking in the essay that detracts from my purpose, or what seems irrelevant and removable? Right now, I'm shortening the conclusion, and planning on lengthening the middle section by making it more anecdotal. I'll have it up in a few hours. (it seems our timezones clash)
Sorry for taking up so much of your time and askin' so many questions -_-"
Here is the updated version. The beginning remains basically the same, with edits appearing in the second half. Still can't exactly tell how well I did, but I attempted to paint a picture of my situation and how I reacted and changed instead of simply telling. Unfortunately, now the essay is 15 words over the limit...
Over two hundred people clustered together into an auditorium sat squinting up onto the stage illuminated by glaring fluorescent lights. On the stage, the intensity was equally blinding; and yet, nobody, neither those on nor off the stage, could hide their smiles of excitement. On the stage, clad in a suit with a lapel pin of the star, the symbol of the Vice President, affixed on my breast, I was no exception. It was opening ceremony of the 2014 State Conference of the Technology Student Association, and with the crowd that had gathered, it was strange to think that as early as the beginning of the year, almost nothing had existed.
The Technology Student Association (TSA), a club dedicated to nurturing the sciences and technologies through competitive events, began in Maryland with the whim of two teachers from separate schools, who had both experienced the club in another state in their childhood. With its recent founding and nonexistent funding, however, there was little that could be done.
"How about you run for officer?" the club advisor asked one day. "Think about it; immortalized forever as a member of the first-ever MDTSA officer team!" he joked.
"Uh.."
I found his humor lacking. Public speaking and organizations had never been my forte, and I was reluctant to take part in what used these skills extensively. What good could I really do? But the club had become a large part of my extracurricular life, and I felt sense of obligation. At least, I could say I tried. "..Sure. Why not?" I answered, expecting little.
I got elected. As Vice President.
The next few months put me into positions that I would never have subjected myself to otherwise. As it turned out, the TSA Vice President was in charge of membership and recruitment, which translated to endless lists to be organized and countless meetings to instigate. Suddenly, I was forced to bear the mantle of an unshakable leader.
But with every meeting to convince other schools into creating a chapter., my palms grew sweaty and my mouth dry. Rows of teachers and administrators sat across from me, impassionate eyes focused on handed-out pamphlets and on me. I coughed nervously and offered a tremulous smile, but only the occasional face returned it. The gravity of my situation came crashing down on me, and I realized that my words could pave the way to TSA's growth, or cut its roots before it could even begin. I was woefully inadequate, but with no option left to me, I cleared my throat and began to speak. At the very least, I decided, I will try.
And each time I threw caution to the winds and simply tried to project my message, regardless of the consequences, words came out smoother. Failure was no longer a sentence of damnation, but a step to success, and each new chapter formed served as proof. Meetings and communication among teachers then became less an obstacle to struggle over and more an opportunity to spread something I loved, the thrill of seeing my passion for Biology and Physics mirrored in those I compete with or the camaraderie formed between partners during team events, to others. Public speaking would never become something easy, I knew, but given a proper purpose and an outlet, it became that much more bearable.
The end of the day found me walking the halls of the now-empty high school that had hosted the State Conference. The beginning of the year had ended much differently than anticipated. A small club was well on its way into spreading across Maryland, and I had learned to forfeit any apprehensions, and dive in headfirst. The unsure apprehensive person that had unknowingly fallen into the role of Vice President no longer existed. Instead, someone who had grown to fit the role, someone who could take pride in his actions, and confidence in both success and defeat had taken his place. Someone who was glad he, given the chance, had tried.
As always, I really appreciate your help. Please feel free to give me an honest opinion.