The Reason Why I Am Interested In Engineering And Willing To Perform Well

Engineering is suitable for me

I am interested in engineering because I want to collaborate with others on projects and create a startup. Software Engineering was my choice because it combines the practicality of engineering with my passion for math and coding. Engineering is suitable for me because I consistently rank high on math and physics contests. After university, I plan to pursue a startup or become a Software Engineer.

I got exposure to engineering through SHAD, FIRST and discussions. My principal noticed my strong performance on contests and introduced me to his son who is currently in SE at Waterloo. He recommended SE because it satisfied my interests. My SHAD Director also advised me to go into engineering because of my strong performance during the SHAD Olympics.

It seems pretty monotonous, especially at the end with the short sentences. I would structure it somewhat like:

I got exposure to engineering through opportunities such as SHAD, FIRST and within discussions I had with people in the field. My principal noticed ... is currently in SE at Waterloo who recommended SE because it combined my passion (for problem solving, or whatever else motivates you) with my skills in (math, physics, ect, whatever). My SHAD ... my strong effort, which lead to stellar during the SHAD Olympics. Waterloo would give me the opportunity to (whatever)

I changed it to this, any further advice? Thanks in advance.

(...)

I first got to experience engineering through FIRST and VEX. I enjoyed collaborating with others on the robot and realized that engineering was suitable for me. My principal noticed my interest in engineering and introduced me to his son, who is in SE. He explained his experience at UW and recommended SE since it catered to my interests. My SHAD Director, who is an engineering professor at Western, also advised me to pursue engineering ...

Hi, what is the word limit on this prompt? Try to expand more about your experiences or proficiency in programming. I feel like you haven't communicate very strongly why you decided to pursue SE. There are other engineering majors that involve programming too.

I noticed that the writing doesn't reflect what you said in the title (i.e. the reason you're willing to perform well). So make appropriate changes that would set you apart from other candidates.

Can you provide the complete prompt for this essay so that a proper review of your work can be completed? What I can tell you, based upon this current work, is that your motivation for your selected major isn't convincing enough. It is not delivering any impressive motivations that would convince the reviewer that you would perform outstandingly as a student in the course. These motivation statements need to be laser focused on the objectives that you have which would push your image as a potentially hardworking and exemplary student at the university. This is my general observation of the work you have done, without knowing what the actual writing parameters are. I need the actual instructions to be able to offer you more relevant advice based on the statement expectations.