The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid

@Holt
I didn't pay much attention to the Common App prompts when I wrote the essay. I'm thinking about these two:
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

"I feel stupid - and contagious - here we are now - entertain us". Kurt Cobain was shouting into my ears as I spray painted a wall. Hmm, smells like teen spirits. Taking my headphones off, I took a step back to look at my newest artwork between countless others that covered the canvas. It still lacked something. The sight could be called unorthodox: the new captain of an English Language team appreciating vandalism at midnight in the schoolyard.

Last week, when my family threw a party (for the first time in a decade) for their favorite child who just got admitted to the most prestigious highschool in the city, they probably didn't expect this. Looking at my dad's broad smile as he clinked his glass with mine, I doubted that he knew I didn't share much of his happiness. After four years of relentless schoolwork, I decided that I did not want to remember my teenage years as a string of forced 12-hour-study days. I did not want only to please my parents. I got good enough scores, and felt I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid. I was going to rebel.

I left the yard to get to the school roof. My satire paintings were not fulfilling, so I tried colorizing my dissatisfaction where it could stand out for everyone to see. And suddenly there was a sobbing guy at the edge of the roof.

My plans halted. I carefully made my way towards him, walking slowly and loudly enough to let him wipe away his tears. He happened to be someone I knew.

"Hey, Khoa."
"Hey Triet. May I settle my behinds in this vicinity?"
He laughed, rubbing his eyes, "you can sit."

It turned out that Triet's high school entrance exam scores were not enough for the best schools in the city, and were definitely not what his parents wanted. Triet's parents had yelled at him constantly ever since the results were released. The last straw was, "You can go away for good", and there Triet was on the roof, about to do as he was told, just like what Vietnamese kids are supposed to do.

I sat there incredulous. Infuriated. Saddened. The story was not new to me. Every year in Vietnam there are articles about students running away from home or even committing suicide because of school pressure. But this was the first time it happened to someone I knew. As a straight-A student, my concerns were the tediousness of schoolwork. It wasn't until talking with Triet that I recognized the effect our school system could have on other people. Many students, like Triet, can do wonderful things like building machines, raising funds for charity, or taking photographs, but their families discourage them if these activities don't help them climb their class rank. Students who fail to get into respectable universities, see the doors to their future closed. If my society continues to promote this heavy, unjust emphasis on scores, the consequences will be grave.

That night, I found what was missing: the true purpose of my "rebellion". My urge to do something did not came from boredom, but rather from a desire to oppose unfairness. I found the right way to channel my passion. With the opportunities, energy and time that I have, I will try to help others, to do something meaningful enough that I can excitedly tell people about when I'm all old and frail. I promised Triet that I would keep challenging injustice - but not on walls anymore. I'll do all I can to keep that promise.

Please reviews my essay. Thank you!

Khoa, this essay is best suited for the prompt about you challenging a belief or idea. It is really a very eye opening story to tell as not everyone is familiar with the educational system in Vietnam since the country was formerly closed off to the rest of the world. So this will be an informative essay for the reviewer as well. There is only one missing part in your narrative that was required by the prompt. That is the explanation as to whether you would react the same way should you find yourself in the same situation in the future. What kind of rebellion would you plan on mounting then? Would you instead, try a more logical approach to the problem such as opening up to your parents and telling them about your problem with the 12 hour study days? Would you take an approach that would help not only you, but the others around you like Triet? What would you do differently if you had the chance? I am sure you would not vandalize the school anymore right?

Thing in hindsight for this essay. Now that you know the results of your actions, how would you change your approach to the success that you received but did not really appreciate? Let's work on the missing element of the prompt because it is an important requirement for your essay.

I would like you to summarize the interaction between you and Triet. It is going too long and is not really required in the essay. However, it helps to show how you were enlightened so a summary of the events as it took place would better highlight the epiphany that you had while talking to your friend.

Thanks Mary. But what do you mean "how would you change your approach to the success that you received but did not really appreciate" ? I don't think I've had any success in this story.

Also, when you talk about my interaction with Triet did you mean this part:

My plans halted. I carefully made my way towards him, walking slowly and loudly enough to let him wipe away his tears. He happened to be someone I knew.

"Hey, Khoa."
"Hey Triet. May I settle my behinds in this vicinity?"
He laughed, rubbing his eyes, "you can sit."

It turned out that Triet's high school entrance exam scores were not enough for the best schools in the city, and were definitely not what his parents wanted. Triet's parents had yelled at him constantly ever since the results were released. The last straw was, "You can go away for good", and there Triet was on the roof, about to do as he was told, just like what Vietnamese kids are supposed to do.

Or this part:
. I sat there incredulous. Infuriated. Saddened. The story was not new to me. Every year in Vietnam there are articles about students running away from home or even committing suicide because of school pressure. But this was the first time it happened to someone I knew. As a straight-A student, my concerns were the tediousness of schoolwork. It wasn't until talking with Triet that I recognized the effect our school system could have on other people. Many students, like Triet, can do wonderful things like building machines, raising funds for charity, or taking photographs, but their families discourage them if these activities don't help them climb their class rank. Students who fail to get into respectable universities, see the doors to their future closed. If my society continues to promote this heavy, unjust emphasis on scores, the consequences will be grave.

Or both?

The success that I speak of was your admission into the most prestigious high school in the city. You got in but could not appreciate the importance of it because you were focused only on the thought of the 12 hour study days that accompanied such an achievement. That is why I said you were successful but you did not know how to appreciate it. If Triet so badly wanted to get in to the point where he felt hopeless and abandoned by his family when he failed to get in, then you have no excuse to not appreciate the fact that you received admission to the high school.

As for the interaction with Triet, I meant both. The only part that is most important for you to keep in that narration is the part about "It turned out that Triet's high school entrance exam scores...". That should be the last part of the summary of the interaction between the two of you. That will save word count and keep the focus of the conversation where it matters the most, on the reflection that you have with regards to the event.

@Holt I reiterated the Nirvana reference at the end. What do you think?

It's better. There are still some points that require adjustment though. First, remove the time frame to last week and decade in the essay. Reword it in order to keep the event vague in reference to the date or time that it occurred. That will help keep the essay content constantly fresh for the reviewer. You are not sure when you will be submitting this essay so it would be best if you did not refer to a time frame within the essay. Second, you need to add a transition sentence in the paragraph before you described Triet crying. You lost the mention of the fact that you heard him crying and you recognized him as your friend. You need that reference in order to explain why you were severely affected by his situation in life. Nice work using the quote to refer to how you would handle a similar situation in the future. So, just apply these changes to the specific parts of the essay and it should be good to go.

It still lacked something. The sight could be called unorthodox: the new captain of an English Language team appreciating vandalism at midnight in the schoolyard.

When my family threw a party for their favorite child who just got admitted to the most prestigious high school in the city, they probably didn't expect me to break bad so soon. Looking at my dad's broad smile as he clinked his glass with mine, I doubted that he knew I didn't share much of his happiness.

I left the yard to get to the school roof. My satire paintings were not fulfilling, so I tried colorizing my dissatisfaction where it could stand out for everyone to see. And suddenly there was a sobbing guy at the edge of the roof.Getting closer, I recognized my friend Triet wiping away his tears.

The next time I mount a rebellion, I won't feel stupid anymore. I will do everything I can to uproot the beliefs that are dragging us down, to persuade the people around me to join my fight - to be contagious.

The event of my vandalism happened soon after that party, a few days I think, so was it clear that it was recent?
Are there any tonal errors or anything else I need to polish? If not I can delete the thread :D

In the second paragraph say "I left the party to illegally enter my school, which was closed at the time." When you transition to your friend crying on the roof, it would be better to say "I decided to move closer and saw my friend Triet, his face dripping with tears that he tried to wipe away as I approached him." The timeline of the events is pretty clear even if you do not make a direct reference to it. I think we have already addressed the tonal errors with every revision that we have done. That said, I think we need to make your conclusion clearer. You have to better reference the fact that given the same situation in the future, you would still react the same way. While the song is a good note to close on, you should make sure that your message is clear by actually stating it in reference to the song. Before I forget, make sure to reference the fact that you got some sort of punishment from your school because of the offense that you did. Let is not be said that you got away with doing something bad in your school. That would make the reviewer question the integrity of the school you are coming from.

Actually this school is my middle school, and even though I got admitted to a high school it was still summer so there was basically no one, and I didn't get caught (I'm going to justify my actions by saying that the school has given up on catching people painting on this particular wall and would just repaint it every 2 weeks or so). So should I just say I got some off-record punishment or something? Because there wasn't any and my high school counselor's record in the CommonApp says that I wasn't involved in any misdeameanors.

Also, how do I "actually state it in reference to the song?" Was I being subtle on the message?

If the offense is not included in your official student record then there is no need to mention it. However, you should inform the reviewer that this wall is painted over every 2 weeks. That is to explain why you conducted an offense that, in the U.S., could get you suspended or kicked out of school, and yet did not even get a reprimand for it. Make it appear that this wall is truly dedicated to student graffiti in order to make it believable that your offense would go unpunished. In reference to the song, yes, it became a bit too subtle for the reader. It is always best to spell it out for the reviewer in order to make sure that your response comes across clearly and understandably on the end of the reviewer. I still want you to keep the song reference though. So say something like, "As Kurt Cobain once said..." in order to add the song as a supporting statement.

Looking at it again it wasn't that rebellious haha

I did not want only to please my parents. I got good enough scores, and felt I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid. I snuck into my middle school the following night. I was going to rebel.

I left the yard to get to the school roof for some actual vandalism. My satire paintings were not fulfilling, and since this student-graffiti wall would get painted over by the school in two weeks anyway, I tried colorizing my dissatisfaction where it could stand out for everyone to see.

Like Kurt Cobain wrote in Smells Like Teen Spirits, "I feel stupid - and contagious". But the next time I mount a rebellion, I won't feel stupid anymore. I will do everything I can to uproot the beliefs that are dragging us down, to persuade the people around me to join my fight - to be contagious.

Yeah, I gathered as much. Your rebellion sounded more like you were letting off extra steam and looking for an outlet to help you release your tension at your forthcoming rigorous study time at the school. Maybe you should change the slant of the essay from saying that you were going to rebel to something about you just wanting to have some time to yourself. Having pleased your parents, you were looking for a way to please yourself. Which is why you thought of doing the graffiti thing in school. How does that sound to you? It makes more sense that you would want to have a chance to literally "breath" in a world where academics tend to suck the life out of the student. It's one more edit / revision that has to be made to the pertinent paragraph. I hope you feel okay about that. I really like the way your essay is shaping up. I don't want you to give up on it at this point. We are so close to getting it ready.

Yeah that'd be good. But then when did I "challenged a belief" though? At the end of the essay I only started to feel like challenging beliefs.

Okay. I have given this some thought and I think there is something we can do to adjust the essay. Keep the talk about your friend and the 12 hour study days. This time, develop a paragraph that states how, because of your feeling of being pressured to constantly perform academically and what happened to your friend, you decided to make some changes to your academic life when you started school again. Talk about how you challenged the idea that students need to be pressured to perform well by taking time off once you got home from school. Taking say 4 hours per day to just relax and not study. Then say that you found that having the time to relax after a 12 hour school day led to your better academic performance at school. That way we can keep the idea that you will continue to challenge the heavy academic schedule belief of your country and still make your friend's story relevant.

I know, there is a limited word count. Don't think about that for now. Just keep writing. I'll tell you which parts to cut out . Right now, you can cut out the part about the rebellion. We are going to take a different approach to the essay and see if it will work better for your prompt.

This can actually work! I'm quite proud that I'm a better gamer than my friends and still got better grades.
But then I think the challenge is kind of, for lack of a better word, insignificant, like "you don't need to study all the time to be good". When I wrote the first draft, what I wanted to challenge was the belief that students don't need straight A's or prestigious schools to do well in life, and so they shouldn't be pressured for that. I'm only a high school senior so I can't prove that by myself right now, therefore I promise to help those students to stand up and prove their success in the future.

Go for it. I am looking forward to reading the revised essay. Do not be afraid to write a totally new essay if you feel that is what you have to do. It is better to just start anew than force the issue using a statement that you feel will not work for you. Even though you are just a senior in high school, that doesn't mean that you can't contribute to the betterment of the demanding academic life of a student in your country. It is important to show the unfairness of the 12 hour school day then have you go home to do even more studying. Challenge that idea and make it count. You can rehash some information from this current essay if you want to. Let's see where we can take this. So remember, the new challenge is "You don't have to study all the time in order to get good grades or get into good schools."

Okay, I think I can have a first draft tomorrow. This time I have to make something up so it will be harder.
This is my rough idea: I didn't study as much as others and do some helpful things that helped me academically and personally, and I got into my school. I focus on what I did and how they are all types of learning, then I link it back to me writing the essay, saying that getting admitted into an American school would be another achievement.

Also, 1/1 is my first deadline. Do you think the rebel one is serviceable? It would calm me to know that I would have a backup in case I don't finish the new one in time.

The rebel one can be turned into a usable one with a little more work so don't trash it just yet. We can work on making it finally usable in an extreme case. I hope this next essay will be better suited to the prompt. I'll give you time to work on this one. You said you have 5 essays to focus on right? Don't let this essay take too much of your time. Make sure that you leave enough time for us to finish working on the other essays as well. Don't cut it too close. I don't want to be the one to pressure you into getting all of the essays done in a rush.

In the new essay, don't link back to writing your essay and saying it would be an honor or whatever if you are admitted to an American school. That is a prompt deviation. Instead, use the various learning methods to prove your challenge to the 12 hour study day instead. That will better tie in with what you will be discussing.

@Holt I haven't made much progress with the new essay, so I figured I will fix this one. I've made a few changes so it can sound more like I challenged a belief. What do you think?

"I feel stupid - and contagious - here we are now - entertain us". Kurt Cobain was shouting into my ears as I spraypainted a wall. Hmm, smells like teen spirits. Taking my headphones off, I took a step back to look at my newest artwork: a kid drowning with textbooks tied to his neck. It still lacked something. The sight could be called unorthodox - the new captain of an English Language team appreciating vandalism at midnight in the schoolyard.

...

Here is an idea that I just came up with. Take Triet out of the equation. Tell the story from a first person point of view. So you had the success, you had the party, and you had the feeling of drowning in academics. I got the idea from the painting that you drew. Keep that reference. Then come to a realization. Rather than allowing yourself to drown in academics and books, you would challenge the idea. No longer will you cater to 12 hour school days. Instead, you decide to take charge of your time. You study when you want to once you get home. Offering time for relaxation and friends before studies. You found that it wasn't a bad thing to do. You kept your grades up and you did not feel like you were drowning anymore. Much to your chagrin, you have continued down this path. You learned that they were wrong and yet they refuse to admit that you are right. Academics need not be rigorous for one to perform well. One only needs to better apply himself during study hour. So you rebelled against the thought that 12 hour academics is the only way to excel by taking time for yourself. The examples of how you did that is up to you. Given the chance, you will definitely do it again if it means that you will be able to change the mindset of the parents regarding the effective study method for their children. Do you think you can try to develop something like that?

Yeah I've been trying to write that but I find it hard to make the essay compelling you know. Can you suggest conflict for me to build and resolve? How do I make them admit I'm right?

Meanwhile, I'd like to make this one usable so I can be more confident and entirely focus on the other one. I have until this Saturday so time is short

Let's see, during the celebration... after the toast, you tell your dad that while you are happy that you got into the school of their choice. You are not happy because you are now facing 12 hour study days. He gets cross with you and an argument ensues. This is why you decide to go to the school to draw the graffiti. When you see yourself in the painting, hanging with school books from the neck, that is when you decide to prove to your dad that you can have a relaxed study schedule and still make the perfect grade that he wants you to produce. Talk about video games, going out with friends, etc. All with the balance of allowing yourself ample time to study before going to bed at night. Your parents don't like it but they can't convince you to do otherwise. Report card day comes, perfect grades, they change their minds and are more accepting of you relaxing before studying. So you have conflict, resolution, and an "I'll do it again" response to the prompt. Do you think this can work for you?

"Well of course I'm not going to be able to keep up with other kids, because I will rank higher than them! Better yet, I will be the best one!". I shouted back. I instantly regretted it.

My dad stormed off. I dropped down on my bed, spreading like an eagle, probably because of the weight of my ego. I looked for an answer on the ceiling - how am I going to outdo the best students in the city?

When my family threw a party for their favorite child who just got admitted to the most prestigious high school in the city, they probably didn't expect me to break bad so soon. Looking at my dad's broad smile as he clinked his glass with mine, I doubted that he knew I didn't share much of his happiness. I confronted my dad later that night to talk about my studying schedule. You know the rest of the story.

After tossing and turning for the 293475th time, I got dressed and snuck out of the house. I needed to let off some steam. It was summer so I broke into my middle school easily, carrying a backpack with some spray cans, ready for some vandalism.

...and a final touch. There. A drowning kid with textbooks tied to his neck. I let out a sigh. I didn't realize that I've been underwater until lately. For the last 4 years, I've been waking up at 6, going to school at 7, going home at 11, going to extra classes at 3, going home at 9, going to bed at 12, and waking up at 6 again just so I can get into Le Quy Don High School for the Gifted. What gift? I've fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid: listening to my parent and burying my youth with textbooks. Now what? I felt empty. I can still get good grades without studying all the time, but my parents wouldn't believe me. They wouldn't risk it. They don't believe that there are ways of learning other than rote-learning and attending extra classes of certain teachers so they'll give higher scores. I will prove them wrong.

I painted over my self-portrait before I left - I guess I was still a well-behaved kid at heart. But I cancelled all my extra classes the next day. Apparently I'm not the favorite child anymore.

It was a warm fuzzy feeling. I didn't know that there was that much time in a day. I could do anything I wanted! - which was the exact opposite of what my parents wanted, though.

"For the last time, why would you pay to argue with other people? Can't you just do some math problems?"
I shrugged. The thing was, my homework was actually manageable without extra classes, but I took a guilty pleasure in seeing my dad stresses out and not being able to do anything. Plus, I was late for my debate session, so I got out of the house whistling.

I've been doing a lot of things: joining a debate club, volunteering at events, honing my video game skills ("You're shooting at people again?"), taking karate classes. I was happy. There was much more to learn outside school than I thought, and I learned them the way I wanted to. My critical thinking and public speaking skills were refined through debate sessions, doing media work at events boosted my network, playing Assassin's Creed taught me history, and I learned to meditate as a martial artist. I could apply much of my new knowledge in school: a new friend from university showed me how to analyze mathematical concepts, I could read more in my free time to get better at literature, for example. I made my schedule so that I could have enough time to sleep and do homework, and my efforts paid off.

The report card came: I was not ranked highest in class, but my grades were much higher than my dad's expectations. The feedback from my teacher was amazing - good presentation skills, strong teamwork spirit, sparking off debates in class, and so on. My mom knew I was happy, so she was happy too, but my dad was still unsatisfied. Well, I can't please everyone, but my scores are on the rise. Looking back, I was proud of the result of my actions, which made me grow tremendously as a person. Given the chance, I would definitely do what I feel just, not conforming to the unreasonable expectations. The textbooks are not dragging me down anymore - they are padding my road to my future.

What do you think?

Eureka! Yahoo! You did it! Finally! Now, this is the challenge essay that really hits the mark. Most of all, you gave it your own voice. It reflects the battle between unfair parental expectations and the right of a teenager to slack off once in a while. Excellent work. Hold on, I found a typo, in the portion where you said "listening to my parent", parent should be in plural form since I bet they were both talking your ear off to make you put down the fun stuff and bury your head in books. You know what comes next, proof reading and making sure that you are completely satisfied with the work you have developed. I know I am happy and proud of what you have developed. I hope you feel the same way. This essay is great and ready to launch.

I don't know if I'm weird or annoying to keep re-opening threads like this, but can you take another look? I wrote that draft when I was nodding off, and I was not really satisfied. Here's (probably) the final one. I'm not sure about my tense use. Is it okay to occasionally use present simple like this?

I was basically disowned. One dreadful night, everything changed when the only son brought great dishonor unto the family and himself: I cancelled all my extra classes. Yep.

"Then I'll wait right here to see how you keep up with the best students in this city!" - Dad shouted back - "Keep your words! Rank first!". He stormed off. And came back to slam my room's door.

When my family threw a party ...

@Holt I know you're not ignoring me haha. This is just another draft. Again, is my tense usage okay?

I was basically disowned. One dreadful night, everything changed when the only son brought great dishonor unto the family and himself - I quit my extra classes. Yep.

"Then I'll wait right here to see how you keep up with the best students in this city!" - Dad shouted back - "Keep your words! Rank first!". He stormed off. And came back to slam the bedroom door.

When Mom and Dad threw a party for their favorite child who just got admitted to the most prestigious high school in Danang, they probably didn't expect me to break bad so soon. Dad beamed at me when he clinked his glass with mine, not knowing that his happiness was not shared. How could I be happy being suffocated in my studying schedule? I confronted him later that night to talk about the problem, things got heated and we - you know the rest of the story.

Letting out a sigh, I put down the pencil. A drowning kid with textbooks tied to his neck. An absent-minded painting. I didn't realize that I've been underwater for the last three years, studying 12 hours a day just so I could get into Le Quy Don High School for the Gifted. Is this "gift" the honor of fulfilling the duty of an Asian kid, the duty of listening to my parent and bury myself in schoolwork? What now? I felt off-balanced. My parents wouldn't believe that their kid could do well at school without studying all the time. They wouldn't risk believing that there were more to education than plowing through every workbook available and attending every extra class. I cancelled all my classes, determined to mount a rebel and prove the adults wrong.

A few months passed. It was nice to breathe, not having to be the favorite child. There were surprisingly so many hours in a day, I could do whatever I wanted to!

"For the last time, why would you pay to argue with other people? Can't you just do some math problems?"
Already late, I waved mom goodbye, jumped on the bicycle, whistling all the way to a debate cafe. Life was good and full of things to do: joining debate clubs, volunteering at events, honing video game skills ("You're shooting at people again?"), taking karate classes. For the first time ever, I was learning for learning's sake, and I loved it. I was happy. There was much more knowledge outside school and exciting ways to gain them. My critical thinking and public speaking skills were refined, doing media work boosted my network, playing Assassin's Creed taught me history, and I learned the morals of a martial artist.Everything could be applied in school. In freetime, I enjoyed reading, hanging out, and helping with chores (I do), all while sparing enough time to sleep and do homework.

The report card came: I was not ranked highest in class, but my grades were pretty good. The teacher's feedback was amazing: good presentation skills, strong teamwork spirit, sparking off debates in class, and so on. Dad was convinced that I can rank high by studying in my own way, but having started on that path, I'm convinced that rankings were not everything. Ever since I broke out of my bubble and met new people, it became clear that however active and competent I am, if I let myself be confined to school alone, I could never grow to the fullest. A whole world's out there to be lived.

Looking back, I was proud of my decisions. Given the chance, I would definitely do what I feel just, not conforming to unreasonable expectations. I still have much to learn, but I know this: the textbooks are not dragging me down anymore - I'm using them to build a path, and, helping drowning people along the way, go further.

You are right, I am not ignoring you. I just had some other stuff to do that kept me away from the computer. Like I warned you before, I would probably be delayed in responding but I will definitely respond to you as soon as I have the time to do it. Guess what? Now is the time.

The additional dialogue that you placed at the beginning is pretty good and helps to represent the voice of your parents. However, you need to make a connection between that event and the party. Somehow, you have to connect that as the aftermath of your decision to take it easy academically and the fact that you told your parents about it at the party. Yes, the tense usage is fine. You are trying to recreate a situation on paper so it makes sense to use present past tense. Since it happened not too long ago. The essay is really ready to use now. Stop it with the editing. At a certain point, you are going to edit yourself into a mistake that will have you suddenly dissatisfied with your essay and worse, have you working on a totally new one because you don't know how to fix the mistake you made. In this case the saying "Leave well enough alone." totally applies.

I'm not sure what you mean. Do you mean that I need to connect the party, the fact that I decided to talk with my parents, the argument and my decision to cancel classes? I think I've connected a bit:

I confronted him later that night to talk about the problem, things got heated and we - you know the rest of the story.

Also, do you see anymore typos or grammar inconsistencies? I've read it over a hundred times but I can still miss them you know. Thanks for helping me!

No, the reviewer doesn't know the rest of the story because you placed the confrontation at the start of the essay. So don't assume that he will remember the confrontation when you insinuate a reference to it in the middle of the essay. Look, stop trying to create a narrative that is better suited for a creative writing class. The reviewer is not interested in how well you tell a story. He is interested in the story that you have to tell alone. It doesn't matter if it sounds like it was written by Dr. Seuss or J.K. Rowling. Just tell the story. The version you have developed now is more than good enough to use but the fact that the confrontation came before the argument started so that is a problem in this version of the essay.

It would be best if you just use the version that you wrote before this one because it is more straight forward and gets the job done. That is all you have to do. Respond to the prompt. In a timely and accurate fashion. There is no need to turn this into the next Shakespearean play. No grammatical errors as far as I can tell. The essay was ready for use yesterday.

Seriously. It was ready for use with the version prior to this one. You just crossed the line and made a mistake that will have you revising the whole essay so the reviewer can make sense of this version that you just wrote. Use the version before this one. The reviewer will thank you for it.

Okay. Thanks!