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"reclusive, family- orientated, Asian- based society" - Where i come from UC



dannymanny 2 / 3  
Nov 16, 2010   #1
PROMPT I FRESHMEN APPLICANTS
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community, or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

A city with a population that doesn't exceed 30,000 located in ----. It is a city that lacks knowledge of the outside world and relies on its internet and school to educate the reality of the world. As the seasons churn and pass, here, it is always cool, warm, and sunny all year around. Relaxing and tranquil, the community is a very reclusive, family- orientated, Asian- based society. This is the world from which I come from that influences me and makes me who I am today.

Every man is for himself and to himself. As stereotype dictates, a majority of the Asian ethnicities that live in ---- are reclusive and independent. We strive for success with failure being not an option, even to the limits of death. As being an Asian myself, I live in a household with a strong parent guidance that pushes in the occupational fields of doctors and lawyers. On the contrary, there also exists compassion and consideration of what everyone feels and wants, including myself. As the human pathway is a forked road, every action has either a positive or negative reaction. In my case, I appreciate what my parents and older siblings, who are in college, shed in advice and guidance for me. Their understanding and compassion has helped me in choosing my aspirations and dreams. It has assisted me in choosing and pursuing a career in the medical field, because I have a strong urgency to return what was given to me that some others have not received, love.

From where I come from, I appreciate the life I was born into. From what I have learned and been taught, we all can influence the world from which the world we do come from. What I want to do, I hope, is make the world a better place.

Please offer an insight or advice on how I can improve this essay.
I have read quite a few essays for college apps on this forum and it inspired me to share mine's as well.
Criticisms are likewise accepted :)

subhash_ghosh 11 / 22  
Nov 16, 2010   #2
My two cents :-)

1) It is a city that lacks knowledge of the outside world - The people of city have scant knowledge of the outside world.

In the same line, the text " relies on its internet and school to educate the reality of the world." does not sound very concrete as to what you're trying to convey, i.e., sounds a bit queer here. Perhaps you want to indicate the insulation of people, so I suggest please try to do it more effectively.

2) Relaxing and tranquil, the community is a very reclusive, family- orientated, Asian- based society. - Please write a proper full sentence, the beginning itself should be like "Relaxed" and not "Relaxing"

3) This is the world from which I come from that influences me and makes me who I am today. - from is repetitive

4) We strive for success with failure being not an option, even to the limits of death. - "Failure is not an option for us, and we always strive for success."

5) As being an Asian myself, I live in a household with a strong parent guidance that pushes in the occupational fields of doctors and lawyers. - Being an Asian, I belong to a family with strong parental guidance that exhorts me towards the occupation of doctors and lawyers.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 26, 2010   #3
This is the world from which I come from that influences me and makes me who I am today.

Every man is for himself and to himself. ---I don't understand what you mean by this, so I think ... I think you should reverse the order of sentences so that it is like this:

As stereotype dictates, a majority of the Asian ethnicities that live in ---- are reclusive and independent. "Every man is for himself and to himself." We strive for ...

:-)


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