Hi, I am applying as a transfer student to Texas A&M and would love any and all feedback in regards to my transfer essay. I'm having trouble with the wording of the third paragraph as well as getting the flow of my essay right. Is it too short?
Essay:
As a young man, the two assets that I find most important in life is family and an education. As I left for Massachusetts, I felt ready to immerse myself in college life. I knew that attending college would be one of the many challenges that allow me to grow as both a student and a person. Yet during my time at UMass, I felt as if I no longer had those two important things in my life. As the months passed, while my mind was constantly immersed in memorizing formulas and recognizing trends, my heart still lay back at home in Texas.
Before I knew it, my grades began to slide as I felt less and less confident with what UMass had to offer me. While UMass does offer great opportunities such as research labs and intelligent professors, it lacks feeling of unity, of family. I just felt as if I didn't belong. To me, attending college is an important part of growing up and to only experience half of it had hindered my performance.
I recognized that my grades suffered because I didn't truly feel committed to my school, which is why I want to follow my heart and return home to Texas A&M because of both what the school has to offer me and what I have to offer them. I know that I am a good student and that sometimes I will make mistakes. We all do. However, it's the ability to pick yourself back up and apply the knowledge you gained to future situations that makes you successful. The same applies to my situation now.
Texas A&M boasts such a deep tradition that I yearn to be a part of. I want to create memories that I can tell my children. There's a reason why the Aggie community extends to all parts of the world: Great education and a sense of family. With schools such as the Dwight Look College of Engineering, organizations like FLiP, and traditions such as the Midnight Yell, Texas A&M University encompasses that I would want in a perfect college and would be where I want to call home.
Essay:
As a young man, the two assets that I find most important in life is family and an education. As I left for Massachusetts, I felt ready to immerse myself in college life. I knew that attending college would be one of the many challenges that allow me to grow as both a student and a person. Yet during my time at UMass, I felt as if I no longer had those two important things in my life. As the months passed, while my mind was constantly immersed in memorizing formulas and recognizing trends, my heart still lay back at home in Texas.
Before I knew it, my grades began to slide as I felt less and less confident with what UMass had to offer me. While UMass does offer great opportunities such as research labs and intelligent professors, it lacks feeling of unity, of family. I just felt as if I didn't belong. To me, attending college is an important part of growing up and to only experience half of it had hindered my performance.
I recognized that my grades suffered because I didn't truly feel committed to my school, which is why I want to follow my heart and return home to Texas A&M because of both what the school has to offer me and what I have to offer them. I know that I am a good student and that sometimes I will make mistakes. We all do. However, it's the ability to pick yourself back up and apply the knowledge you gained to future situations that makes you successful. The same applies to my situation now.
Texas A&M boasts such a deep tradition that I yearn to be a part of. I want to create memories that I can tell my children. There's a reason why the Aggie community extends to all parts of the world: Great education and a sense of family. With schools such as the Dwight Look College of Engineering, organizations like FLiP, and traditions such as the Midnight Yell, Texas A&M University encompasses that I would want in a perfect college and would be where I want to call home.
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