Prompt: Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)
For 17 years, I have seen myself being branded as an 'NRI' (Non-Resident Indian) since my parents found employment and settled in Bahrain 4 years before I was born.
In the past, very few Indian families could migrate to foreign lands and make a living for themselves. However, this has changed in the past two decades, posing new challenges to the offspring also. As an NRI youth studying abroad, we have to apply the knowledge we have gained from a world-class education and contribute towards the progress of the world.
My place as a contributor has been fostered throughout my childhood through activities such as volunteering in the church youth group, the Duke of Edinburgh Award and the World Challenge 2011 Kerala community service trip.
In particular, the World Challenge trip to Kerala, India, opened my eyes to the fortune of the NRI community.
For the last week in a local village in Kochi, we had been busy constructing a new playground; refurbishing the school hall; and installing new tiles on the classroom floors. Furthermore, the team and I were exposed to a lack of basic resources such as sanitary toilets and computers. The smiles and laughter on the faces of the little schoolchildren at the end made the experience all the more rewarding and served as a reality check for all of us - reminding us to never take things for granted. In fact, all of us agreed that it was the most satisfied we had ever felt.
In summary, my main place is as a contributor but it is not the only place that defines me. Embarking on the Duke of Edinburgh Award Expedition put my leadership skills to the test and as a leader of tomorrow, my places are a contributor and concurrent leader.
(297 words)
Please let me know how I can reduce it and make it more cohesive. Looking for harsh feedback. Thanks in advance!
posing new challenges to the offspring also.
... I prefer "too" or "as well" in place of "also"
we have to apply the knowledge we have gained from a world-class education and contribute towards the progress of the world.
we are expected to apply the knowledge that we have gained from a world class education as well as to contribute towards the progress of the world.In particular, the World Challenge trip to Kerala, India, opened my eyes to the fortune of the NRI community.
.... I feel it's better you include this line into the previous para.
I would say 1. Brief description of the community you identify yourself with (Elaborate more on the culture and lifestyle of NRIs), 2. THEN describe the values you've taken from your community (the perspective and desire to use your opportunities to benefit others), as well as your role in the community (contributor or leader, pick one; if you choose contributor, you need to be more specific with how you contribute, because most members of a community contribute something to it). 3. Support that with just one example (Your trip to India) because you don't have that many words, and then 4. say something about how you will continue to fill that role in the future.
My place as a contributor has been fostered throughout my childhood through activities such as volunteering in the church youth group, the Duke of Edinburgh Award and the World Challenge 2011 Kerala community service trip.
In summary, my main place is as a contributor but it is not the only place that defines me. Embarking on the Duke of Edinburgh Award Expedition put my leadership skills to the test and as a leader of tomorrow, my places are a contributor and concurrent leader.(Don't try to throw another role in there like that.)
Good start, and hopefully these comments will make it a little more coherent.
