RSM BSc / head of Finance - Diversity question

I'm applying for BSc in International Business Administration at Erasmus University Rotterdam. I have to answer this short question (max: 900 characters) and I'd love to receive a review on clarity, coherence, alignment with requirements, and suggestions for improvement. Thank you so much in advance!

The IBA programme is highly international, with students from diverse backgrounds. What specific personal or academic experiences have prepared you to thrive in such an environment? How do you plan to contribute to and benefit from this diversity? We would love to hear your story!

As head of Finance, I led seven members with diverse personalities. Initially, a few members dominated discussions while others stayed quiet. As quieter ones disengaged, missing deadlines and ignoring chats, I realized I needed to change. I organized more bonding activities, checked in with quieter members privately, and drew them into discussions. They gradually opened up, and our performance improved significantly. This taught me that teams succeed when everyone is included. At RSM, I will bring this empathy and adaptability to team projects by ensuring every member is heard and their ideas shape final decisions. I will also contribute perspectives from my Vietnamese background that may add different angles. In return, working with international peers will show me how culture shapes mindsets and working styles, preparing me to collaborate effectively in global environments.

Do not discuss irrelevant experiences in the essay. While I can understand why you are referencing your professional experience, that is not what you are being asked to discuss and therefore, have shown that you are incapable of following simple writing instructions. The prompt clearly states that you are to use personal or academic references. Nowhere does it indicate a professional preference for the discussion. As such, your essay will be disregarded as a part of your application since it does not fulfill the information requirements correctly. This means, that even your potential contribution to diversity in the school, while valid, is not going to be given much weight since it is not based on the correct foundational discussion presentation.

@Holt
I used the experience working as head of finance in my school's club. Is it counted as a professional experience?

The way that you have framed your explanation makes it appear like you are discussing a professional experience. You must reframe your presentation. Make it clear that you are talking about your position as the president of the Finance Club. This differentiation is important because when you say you are the head of finance, that is automatically attached to a company and a professional experience. Your grasp of the English language is proving to be a problem for you in most of your presentations because you misinterpret the prompt and end up misrepresenting yourself in the process, such as in this essay. Always remember to classify your experiences as that of a student. That way there is no confusion once the reviewer assesses your response.

@Holt
Thank you for your feedback. I've updated my answer accordingly. Could you please review it again and let me know if there is anything else I should improve regarding the content? Thank you so much!

As head of Finance in my school's leadership club, I led 7 members with diverse personalities. Initially, a few members dominated discussions while others stayed quiet. As quieter ones started ignoring chats and missing deadlines, I realized my approach needed to change. I organized more bonding activities, checked in privately with quieter members, and drew them into discussions. They gradually opened up, and our performance improved significantly. This taught me that teams succeed when everyone contributes. At RSM, I will bring this empathy and adaptability to team projects by ensuring every member is heard and their ideas shape our decisions. I will also contribute perspectives from my Vietnamese background that may add different angles. In return, working with international peers will show me how culture shapes mindsets, preparing me to collaborate effectively in global environments.