Unanswered [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width   Posts: 2


Rummaging through Photos and falling sky; World I come from



sephyleader 1 / -  
Jan 12, 2013   #1
Two essays, both could be 1000 words (combined length, I was super close but I made it!) And I'd Like an opinion on them! :)

_____________________________________________________

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I start rummaging through forgotten photos that I've scanned through the years, the only part of myself I recognize is my green eyes, the way they shine through and make my crooked smile tremendous. I can't even begin to fathom how simply moving to a different country at the tender age of three could have completely changed the entire fate of my life, but perhaps, that is the point of fate.

I am a bit of a mixed rag, I've never felt completely like I belong in one place or the other, and perhaps it is that consequence that lets me experience the best of two drastically different worlds. On one hand, I am and will always be Mexican at heart, my at-times pessimistic thoughts about life and death, my adoration for nostalgia, and my vibrant craving for knowledge and culture has inspired me from the very start and never left me. On the other hand, I am almost a classic example of an American, I love opportunity, I seek freedom and joy, and the thought of diversity compliments the deepest roots of my soul. Both cultures are dramatically worlds apart, but it is through these differences that I have become who I am today.

The one thing that always fascinated me the most about America was film, every bit of it. I knew from a very young age that I was going to one day make movies about everything. This simple desire is what led to me becoming a bit of an oddball in my very small Nebraskan town. First, there was the fact that I was not from the sleepy town of 600, and fitting into the town and becoming part of the community would take work. Then, there was the fact that, while every kid wanted to be a firefighter or a vet, I wanted to, from the start, make movies; a radically different career choice that confused and interested everyone. Through these clashes though, I was able to more deeply explore my interests and figure out, with all the freedom I could have, just who I wanted to become. I was able to travel through both countries extensively and gain different viewpoints and experiences along the way to help light the spark of my curiosity. Most importantly, I was able to combine it to explore a curriculum that would transform me into not only a top student, but into a strong leader in my community. I am more than honored to always be able to contribute all I have, grateful of all the opportunities and all the pride I have had in my life.

I believe, if I would have rummaged through those pictures and found myself in the same place, I would not have lived through a life of incredible change, a change that would have allowed my life to have freedoms, expression, and deep interwoven cultures, instead I would have lived a life rid of it's own passionate flame.

____________________________________

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Sometimes I have moments where I can catch a shiny piece of falling sky and place it carefully back, not where it came from, but where it always wanted to belong; these sort of moments make me grin because no one else I know could have ever seen or even envisioned where that piece would have gone. Creativity is a broad term to use, it as vague in definition as it is in application, but if there would be any other quality in my life that has helped to define me and who I aspire to be, it would have to be creativity.

My creativity is something that has been by my side since I was young. When I was just in Second Grade I had already written a statewide contest-winning story, the beginning of what would later escalate to dozens of winning entries in creative writing contests. My creativity continued through the years, eventually finding its way into digital art. During my middle school years, I became absolutely fascinated with Photoshop and obsessively played around with it for days at a time, I worked on several small websites, all the while getting experience for future projects.

My creativity finally reached more prominence while in my freshman year of high school. I was always fascinated by film and decided to start a small series on Youtube. Using only a small handful of resources, I wrote, edited, produced, and even helped voice episodes of my first real foray into any film and definitely any sort of large-scale project. The whole process was fascinating to me, it combined everything I loved.

By my junior year of high-school, I was finally able to start more traditional art projects, I painted a 5 x 7 foot Impressionist-style oil painting named "Mer Du Japon." I also wrote a three-act play script,"Relative Doubt" and designed the majority of the graphics and advertising for my school's events.

As I go through my senior year, I have only continued to expand my creativity. I continue to do all graphics work for my school's events, I have become the male lead of our play for the third year in a row, and have become the creative director and main editor to the school's yearbook, even though I had no prior experience in journalism class.

My creative passions, my attempts at perfection, and my boldness to stand out has allowed me to excel in academics, in extracurriculars, and especially in discovering who I am, and what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have pride knowing that my creativity has not only helped myself become an important fixture of my school and community, but has given hope to my parents that I can do something important with my life that they could have never been able to have had the opportunity to do. This especially, gives me the energy to pursue everything I want to do in life with complete confidence.

_______________________
How do they sound?

Th25cc 2 / 90  
Jan 12, 2013   #2
The first essay does a good job at detailing your background, but it does not discuss your dreams and aspirations enough. The essay is too much of a reflection rather than a brief recollection of the past and then a broad discussion of the future. You also had a few issues with run-on sentences. There were many sentences with just too many commas.

In the second essay, you again do a good job introducing the idea as a whole. However, you need to do a better job discussing why creativity makes you proud and how creativity relates to you as a person.

In both essays, you've answered just part of the prompt. Be sure to answer the question thoroughly. Remember, attack the prompt.

After you've revised the essays for content, we can take a closer look at some of the issues with grammar.


Home / Undergraduate / Rummaging through Photos and falling sky; World I come from
ⓘ Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms for professional help:

Best Writing Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳