Rutgers Essay: My First Computer

Can someone please proofread or suggest how to improve? I'm having trouble adding to my essay and organizing it. Thank you!

Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

-I would contribute my passion for computers and add a positive attitude to the learning environment.
-I strive to be a selfless person with an altruistic drive behind my actions.
-If my friends have any computer trouble they come to me. I enjoy the feeling of helping others. Now this doesn't mean I want to be a troubleshooter over the phone, but I just want some part in helping improve the lives of others.

I had no idea what to expect. "From: Uncle Junho." This box could have contained anything, but neither I nor my uncle could have known that what was in the box could so profoundly affect me. Underneath the gift wrap, the box wore the logo DELL. The grin on my face grew as I opened the box revealing the computer that fit snugly inside. I could never thank my uncle enough for the gateway of opportunities that opened up to me.

I would spend countless hours in front of the computer searching away anything the internet had to offer. I looked up anything that crossed my mind like "how to grow taller" and even how to advance my knowledge in go fish. But my true attachment grew from the discovery of Windows Movie Maker. I started out putting together downloaded clips from cartoons with music. YouTube was my source of inspiration, and it contributed to the realization of what I would want to do for the rest of my life. As time passed, the knowledge I obtained in front of the computer grew with me. The time I spend in front of an LED screen only makes me realize the affinity I have for the computer.

My friends note my knowledge in using a computer. If they have any trouble in doing something, they ask me for assistance. The feeling of helping others is indescribable to me. Having the opportunity to help my friends while working with something that I enjoy gives me a sense of euphoria. I do not consider technical troubleshooting over the phone my ideal career, but improving the lives of others through my passion is my ideal future.

The community that Rutgers University fosters would provide the environment needed in order to further search my passion. I would also contribute that passion to the community with willingness to aid and work with my peers.

Hi Ryan)


- this a catchy sentence .

And I think you should expand your essay.


Add more detail and depth to this part.

Thanks for replying [: The list in the beginning is just for me to try to stay on track. Is the essay off topic in a way? I didn't really understand the prompt too well.

I think your essay is on topic, you just need to expand it - explore how your affinity to computer affected your life etc. , dig deeper.