"I saw a tragic accident" - UF admission essay-July 2007

Hello, I was wondering if it would be possible for you to give me some advice as to how to improve my essay.

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

"June 2007 was by far one of the most life changing moments I ever experienced. That was the night that as I was walking out under the stars, when I witnessed a tragedy. Rooted in my place by both shock and sympathy, I watched as the flashing lights of ambulances approached the scene, their sirens shattering the peace of the quiet night. Within a span of ten minutes, an audience had gathered to watch the progressions of the ambulance. I watched in fascination and shock as the paramedics worked at a quick pace, trying to salvage the injured people that they could.

Ever since that tragic night, I view everyday life in a different light; I no longer take life for granted and try my hardest at succeeding in every venture I take. I feel as if the community of the University of Florida will help me succeed further in life, that it will help me reach my full potential. At the same time, I feel as if I can contribute to the campus community because not only am I dedicated and hard-working, but I am also extremely responsible. For example, my entire high school career, I have been taking AICE classes from the very beginning, and even now in my senior year, I am taking all three AICE sciences. Despite the fact that one of the sciences I am taking is not my strongest suite, I am still trying my hardest to get a good grade in that class. I have been studying more than I did before and have slowly but steadily started bringing my grade up in that class.

I may not always succeed in my goals, but I always make sure that I try my hardest to succeed. It can be said that once I put my mind to something, I make sure that I do everything possible to reach that goal. I know that the campus community is filled with a diversity of students, all who are no doubt smart, but I feel as if I could contribute by sharing what knowledge I have and in turn gaining the knowledge that I do not yet possess. I am not only a dedicated student, but I am also extremely responsible and I feel as if these two traits will help me fit in perfectly at UF. Going to UF will allow me to reach my full potential because not only will I give to the campus, I will also gain many treasures, knowledge wise."

The essay so far is a total of ... words and I was just wondering on how to improve it.

Thank You!
Anche Sanan

Instead, how about you trim your intro to "I was walking out under the stars, when I witnessed a tragedy".

In my opinion, less wordy makes it more powerful.

Thank's for looking over it, I made the changes that you suggested, but I was also wondering how you get a moderater to look over the essay, if that is possible.

Once again, Thanks!

Hello Friend, I'm glad you are participating. If you want to get people to look at your essay, just comment on THEIR threads and leave a link you your essay, asking them to come see it. We mods try to help everybody, but sometimes there are a lot of essays!! :-)


This part is not worded well. Salvage is a word used for material things...

"June 2007 was by far one of the most life changing moments I ever experienced. --- here is another sentence I hope you rewrite. Say something specific. What is the "magic word" that captures your insight from it? something more specific than "life-changing."

This essay lacks substance. This lacks substance: "because not only am I dedicated and hard-working, but I am also extremely responsible." This too: "It can be said that once I put my mind to something, I make sure that I do everything possible to reach that goal." ---- these are "typical" and cliched things to say.

I think you should add substance to this essay by inserting 3 excellent ideas about the academic program to which you are applying... in an essay you should MAKE CONNECTIONS. That means you should help the reader see how the experience of witnessing an accident can lead to specific insights about your chosen field, areas of specialization, etc. What is your major? Make a plan, and express it here.

If you have a solid plan for the future, it will be reflected in everything you write.
:-)