'the seventeen-kilometer bicycle ride' - Penn Optional

I feel weird about this essay, I don't know why. Would really appreciate feedback, corrections and suggestions as I'd like to submit it soon. Thanks!

Optional short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.

I am about to go to sleep. The moos of the Sotho cows from the open field behind my house are my substitute for a lullaby.

I am awake now. Although I would love to grab a couple more hours of sleep, the persistent Ghana sun simply won't let up.

Midday. It is finally lunchtime in Johannesburg and I am walking up to the dining room with my friends, clad in green and black djibbahs that are our uniforms.

Lunch is over. It is time for me to take the subway back home to downtown Toronto. The rush hour frustration is about to start. Again.

At long last. The day is about to come to an end. I need to get ready and head over to grandpa's house for our family dinner. In typical Malian style.

Yes. If I could sum up the story of my life into a single day, this is exactly what it would be like. Growing up, living in, schooling in and vacationing in five different countries, almost seemingly simultaneously, have played a huge role in the person that I am today. It has shaped me to go about everything I do with an open mind and a curiosity to learn about the cultures of the different people I come into contact with.

Oh! My alarm just rung. I almost forgot about the reminder I set for the seventeen-kilometer bicycle ride I signed up for across the French Normandy region.

Wow this is really good its really cool. No grammar mistakes obviously glaring out at me. However, maybe go in a little deeper at how all your travel has influence who you are?

Hey Hinndou,
great essay. However, I feel you should highlight more on the fact that travelling and living in so many countries has helped you grow as a person. It seems a little more on the "I've travelled so much'' than how travelling moulded you into the person you are... Hope I could help in some way!

Please help me with both my essays!!! I would really appreciate the help... :)

I think this is a great short essay! Mainly because you approached it in an interesting and creative way. If only they allowed it to be more than 150 words...I'd love to read more. I think it already conveys a lot in the short amount of words, since I assume it is only a supplement essay to what you have already wrote in rest of the application.

I agree with ItsokaytoGaga that it seems like you are listing your activities. It is more like a creative writing piece than an application essay, but that's what caught my attention. Maybe you could explain a little more about how this kind of traveling shaped your experience and "introduce yourself" as the prompt suggests. That is only if the word limit allows, though. :)

While you explain yourself more clearly in the first one I like the second one best because it follows through with the writing style consistently (and you have such a beautiful writing style, too.)

I do like this part better from the first one:


Though I'd change 'be' to 'look.'
If you don't have any more space, though, well then just leave it as it is. It's really good.

Thank you very much Maria :)