"I shaved my head for the Saint Baldrick's Foundation" -Common App Extracirrcular

I was shocked to say the least. After shaving my head for the first time, I looked in the mirror and said, "WOW, I'm really bald."

While most teenagers would be unwilling to shave their heads, I, proudly and humbly, shaved my head for the Saint Baldrick's Foundation. The Saint Baldrick's Foundation, a pun on bald and St. Patrick, is an organization dedicated to eradicating childhood cancers through donations and volunteers shaving their heads in solidarity with cancer victims. Because of my experience with Baldrick's, I have developed a deeper understanding of how valuable life truly is and the importance of service. Four years later, I have successfully founded a Baldrick's event at my grade school, with a two year donation total of $25,000, and am in the process of starting an event at St. Ignatius. The St. Baldrick's Foundation taught me how to lead and care for others.

While most teenagers would be unwilling to shave their heads, I, Proudly and humbly, I shaved my head for the Saint Baldrick's Foundation. ---- I think it is presumptuous to assume about what other students would be unwilling to do.

The Saint Baldrick's Foundation, a pun on bald and St. Patrick, ------ What is this: a pun on bald. I think that part is unclear.

...is an organization dedicated to eradicating childhood cancers--- a worthy cause!

Did you mean to type grade school? What grade levels? I wonder if you meant high school. I don't know if grade school is the best term to use.

If there is any way I would want you to change this, it would be:
Condense it to three sentence. One is about shaving your head to support eh chemo patients, the next is a reflective statement about the insight you gained, and the third is the sentence about founding the event at your school.

That way, you will have room to write even more meaningful sentences about the implications of this, how it connects to your career aspirations, and so forth.

Oh...ha ha... I just finally figured out the pun!!! Maybe I am just slow-thinking today... :-)

Thank you for all your comments. Kevin, your point of condensing the sentences really allowed me to stretch my message. I really felt trapped by the 150 word limit. Thanks so much.

I think this essay is fantastic. I love the uniquness and I'm sure not many students write about shaving their heads. I also think that you show through the shaving much about your love of charity and such which is very important to colleges.