"shouldering my father's responsibility" - Most significant life achievement

Please comment on the following. Does this read too personal? Please also advise on the flow, and suggest if something is missing or does not make sense.

"My father had lost his job and my four siblings were still in school. In my life, adversity has served as a catalyst, forming my determination to uphold the values that defines me.

At 23, life taught me to develop and mature through the best and the worst of times.

Bad things happen; our savings were not enough to support my family. My father's hope of providing best education and better life to his children might have blown up in thin air.

My proudest achievement was not a solitary event but a bundle of joy delivered over the years. I chose a positive and constructive path by shouldering my father's responsibility. A part of my earnings would go to support my parents and the rest into younger brothers' tuition fees and living expenses. I guided them transform into independent, successful and responsible individuals.

My happiness knew no bounds when my efforts started paying dividends by 2006. Presently, two of them are working with software multi-nationals, one is with India's largest bank and the other is serving in Indian Navy. I could not have asked for more.

With determination, dedication and commitment, I overcame the greatest of challenges to turn my father's dream to reality. I reaped first crop of my self confidence. My life is richer now, surrounded by a closed knit family which is the only continuous thing in my life. I am confident of reaching many milestones but this one will always remain close to my heart."

Grateful,
Ajit

My father had lost his job and my four siblings were still in school. In my life, adversity has served as a catalyst, forming my determination to uphold the values that defines me.

At 23, life taught me to develop and mature through the best and the worst of times. --too clished I think

Bad things happen; our savings were not enough to support my family. My father's hope of providing best education and better life to his children might have blown up in thin air.

My proudest achievement was not a solitary event but a bundle of joy delivered over the years. I chose a positive and constructive path by shouldering my father's responsibility. A part of my earnings would go to support my parents and the rest into younger brothers' tuition fees and living expenses. I guided --this should be "helped them..." or "guided them to..."them transform into independent, successful and responsible individuals.

My happiness knew no bounds when my efforts started paying dividends by 2006. Presently, two of them are working with software multi-nationals, one is with India's largest bank and the other is serving in Indian Navy. I could not have asked for more.

With determination, dedication and commitment, I overcame the greatest of challenges to turn my father's dream to reality. I reaped first crop of my self confidence. My life is richer now, surrounded by a closed knit family which is the only continuous thing in my life. I am confident of reaching many milestones but this one will always remain close to my heart.

I like the sentiments, and your writing does have a nice flow. But I think it's not too personal, and you could make it more so. Rather than narrating events, try giving a vaguer outline of them and focus instead on what your emotions are.

Thanks Melissa.
I am working round your suggestions.

" With determination, dedication and commitment, I overcame the greatest of challenges to turn my father's dream to reality. " Well said man, and this apply to me myself, well said but Melissa done the correcting! Cheers bro!

My father's hope of providing best education and better life for his children might have blown up in thin air.

My proudest achievement was not a solitary event but a bundle of joy---Maybe you should choose a different expression. People often say "bundle of joy" when talking about a baby. I don't know why they use the expression that way!

... delivered over the years. I chose a positive and constructive path by shouldering my father's responsibility. -----Hey, I have an important suggestion. I think you should change shouldering to sharing. If you say you shouldered his responsibility, you sound like you are bragging about having to do what he could not do... but if you say you SHARED his responsibility, it sounds more humble.

I guided them transform into independent, successful and responsible individuals. This sentence is a good one to cut from the essay. It seems wrong, because whatever kinds of individuals they transformed into are the results of what they did and not what you did... I don't know how to explain what I mean, but I don't like this sentence! :-)

My life is richer now, surrounded by a close-knit family which is the only continuous thing (can you think of a different word?) in my life. I am confident of about reaching many milestones, but this one will always remain close to my heart."

Thanks Kevin.
I too felt that 'bundle of joy' is misplaced but could not find something different to express it. I will definitely change the 'shoulder' word; it never occurred to me that the word changes the meaning so so badly. This is an eye opener, special thanks for this.

I need to come up with something better now.

Excellent!! I know what you mean.