Hi, I'm an int'l student and being in desperate need of feedbacks for my personal essay. I guess there might be a lot of grammar or expression errors. I hope you all do not mind helping me. Thank you very much.----------------------------------------------------------------- ---- -------------
_ The song must end with a prolonged "Aaaahh.". It creates resounding effects that move listeners' hearts.
_ I know the song better. I have sung it since the age of ten or twelve. It shouldn't be performed in that awkward style. Just make it clear-cut.
_ My darling, don't listen to her if you want to impress the judge. Now sing after me...
_ No, my girl, listen to me. Sing this way...
_ Aaahh... Let me teach our girl the right way...
Voices mixed up so turbulently that I could not heed anything. Mom and Dad were arguing over a children song that I was going to perform in a talent show at my primary school. The petite song- sweet and peaceful- was still able to kindle my parents' opposition.
...
The song must end with a prolonged "Aaaahh. ". It creates resounding effects that move listeners' hearts.
_ I know the song better. I have sung it since the age of ten or twelve. It shouldn't be performed in that awkward style. Just make it clear-cut.
_ My darling, don't listen to her if you want to impress the judge. Now sing after me...
_ No, my girl, listen to me. Sing this way...
_ Aaahh... Let me teach our girl the right way...
haha brilliant introduction!
Voices mixed up so turbulently that I could not heed anything. Mom and Dad were arguing over a children's song that I was going to perform in a talent show at my primary school. The petite song- sweet and peaceful- was still able to kindle my parents' opposition.
This sort of dialogue appears frequently in my life. Yes, I have been growing up amid contrastsdisagreements between Mom and Dad. It evensometimes appears impossible to understand how they have spent over twenty years living with each other while having little in common. Their perspectives, their likes and dislikes, their routines... all seem not merely different, but opposite. Their incessant debates roll over myriad topics: dining out or cooking at home, getting up? late or early, having a dynamic or quiet lifestyle, sometimes about my educational inclination- natural sciences or English.
I have to admit my parents' polarized points of view used to drive me insane. They vexed me so terribly that my head for many timesoften stopped processing what they were fighting for, my ears perceivedattained nothing else but an irksome sound mimicking the distorted voice of an out-of-order tape: "Eow...Eow...Eow..." haha! hilarious .Even when they tried to give me the best advice, of course by racing or weighing their own, I had the least sense of gratitude, but most the regret that I had brought up problems to my parents < This sentence is confusing. I don't know what you're trying to say . When differences between them turned into a huge row, it struck my young mind harshly. I just concealed myself in the room, weeping, covering my head with a pillow and hoping it would help me muffle the outside heart-breaking noises.
As time goeswent by, it enabled me to earn mature thinkingbegin to think maturely and to discover a way of benefit ting even from unpleasant situations. The world I am living in fact naturally consists of extremely contradictory components, but they create diversity and save me from monotony. I have come to find outthat sometimes, myof Mom's and Dad's views can both make sense, whichand do not need to eliminate each other. Actually,M y parents' distinctions teach me how to listen, assess and appreciate miscellaneous ideas.
I have gradually build t up my passion for solving cryptic Math problems while gradually gaining the confidence to communicate in English. My life grows opulentrich , spiritually. At times, I ensconce myself in a serene corner, looking out over a verdantdon't depend on the thesaurus too muchfresh lawn with theopeninga clear, blue sky overhead . I seek for a calm feeling, meditatethink about my future in ten years, or wallow in everyabsorb myself in the stories of "Chicken Soup for the Soul". At other times, I see myself absorbed in a fervent < wrong word. atmosphere of my high school Foreign Language Show. I am singing and dancing with all my heart, so vehementlypassionately that onewould laugh disbelievingly if I said I liked tranquility. I also learn how to confront struggles: I learn to look at the problem in a positive light rather than allow myself to be easily defeated easily by the difficulties arisingI face . Yes, discrepancies of my parents have penetrated deeply in me now.
Living with two incompatible sources of view may lead one to dilemma. For me, nevertheless, Mom and Dad's distinct ways of perceiving life have opened me up to multitude facets of a matter < this is very awkward. i do not understand what you're trying to say , trained me to have the fullestobserve arguments criticallyobservation and brought me up to and to mature into a well-rounded adult . Until now, they might still continue their petty dispute between the resounding effects "aaahhh" and the "clear cut" if I mentioned about it. But though split in many a way, Mom and Dad do have at least one thing in common - I believe the likely most meaningful - their eternal love for me.so you told your parents to stop fighting? I'm confused
Thank you so much, jinglebells !
I also feel my last half does not convey clearly my idea. Indeed, many people who have read my essay are confused about my parents' fighting and want me to give a solution to it ( they all wonder whether the fighting already finished haha )
Nevertheless, my idea is just to concentrate on the benefit I gains from my background (aka my parents' arguments). The last sentence of the essay is to show how much I appreciate even the unpleasant situation I faced, because the arguments between Mom and Dad were to do good to me.
How do you think I can make my idea clearer ! Thx in advance !
May I ask...Why the underlines in front of the quotes? It confuses the reader as to how you are beginning your essay. Make them all quotes rather than a seemingly bulleted form of a conversation.
There are many unnecessary phrases and sentences in your essay; you need to trim it down to make it succinct. Also, your essay is quite incoherent. I definitely know what you are trying to say because having read the first paragraph, I instantly figured out your whole essay and reading the rest, it confirmed my guess. That might be a problem, it's predictability. However, that can be overlooked if the essay is written well and is refreshing.
You need to look over your whole diction and alternate your syntactical choices. Also, at some of the sentences, I lost what you were trying to say.
Overall though, I understand your stance on this whole essay (for some reason, I understood it) BUT you need to work on the whole "YOU" section which is where you define yourself on the contrasting points of your life. You need to clarify that whole section it gets jumbled and you add in not-so-profound sentences that use vocab that clearly outstrip your whole essay in their level (transparent thesaurus, which is not advisable).
Good luck!
what is the topic? it doesnt matter how beautiful your essay and REALLY long it is if we dont know the topic...
Thank you for your detailed comments, Envie.
Here is the topic: Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
i like it (the style) but its too long. i dont really believe it directly or in fact, indirectly answers the prompt effectively, i would focus more on the singing aspect and how that would contribute to the campus. i don't think it does that very well, but i may be wrong.
where is this for? if its for a ivy league i would change dramatically it if not for a top school i would improve it slightly.
Well, no ivies , smallick13. Still, I am applying for some competitive schools ( Villanova, Dickinson, Smith).
Thank you very much, smallick13.
Any other comments please? I will highly appreciate all your comments.
I have to agree with smallick13. I don't think this answers the prompt at all. You describe an anecdote, but I don't see the connection to diversity at all. You also don't mention what you would bring to the diversity in a college community.
This essays really seems to be just "how your parents have impacted you."
I think this answers the prompt. This essay isn't and shouldn't be about your diversity nor should you constantly bring out the fact that you are not an American, white citizen. It's about what you can bring to the college community.
She clearly states that her thought process or her way of addressing issues or contrasting points of view is her "diversity."
And she explains through her personal background (her parents), she became that way.
It answers the prompt but it's not written the way I would've written it and I've already said that few posts up but just thought we need to stop going on about how it doesn't answer the prompt and help her get the essay more succinct and...more of an essay that brings out what she actually wants to say.
Thank you so much, doug and Envie! What Envie says is what I expect the readers will get from my essay.
Yet, I am still stuck in my whole "ME" section. I understand I must fix my word choice, but I can't see a way to clarify it.
Any other ideas to improve it?
It's that ending sentence that I think throws some people off. You need to mention that somewhere else if you want to keep it but the last sentence, generally, should mostly relate to your main theme of the essay so that the reader comes off with "okay, this is what s/he wants to say" instead of, "oh, although they fight all the time, they like her." You see what I'm saying?