Short essay: please edit for clarity, how "striking" it comes off.
Also, I'm packing a lot of info... please advise if transitions between thoughts are insufficient.
Thanks
As toddlers, my twin brother Matt and I were playing in the bath when my mother noticed a small red sore on his toe. Three weeks later, Matt began chemotherapy sessions at Stanford Hospital to combat Acute Mylogenous Leukemia. As powerful steroids ran their course, his voice soared up in pitch, his hair floated down in tufts, and his estimated chances for surviving the cancer dropped to 20%. Although all our ...
my parents wouldcan not recognize the man whose bone marrow now lives in their son if he introduced himself by name or brushed past them on the street.
I would suggest focusing more on your intro as well as your transition over the 2nd paragraph. The 1st paragraph is generally fine, I think, but I would suggest making sure that your 2nd paragraph flows between your ideas.
Ok thanks. Also, I'm interested in taking a course in human biology at Stanford, which studies how people and their environments effect one another... should I work that in?
When we were toddlers, my twin brother Matt and I loved to play in the bath. One night, my mother noticed a small red sore on his toe. Two weeks later, Matt began chemotherapy sessions at Stanford Hospital to combat Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. As powerful steroids took effect, his voice soared up in pitch, his hair floated down in tufts, and his chance of survival dropped to 20%. Although all our blood relatives and many strangers were tested as potential donors, a male in the Netherlands was Matt's only match. He agreed to undergo surgery and donate his bone marrow. It was flown to Stanford from halfway across the world, held in a red and white cooler normally reserved for chilling sodas. Due to extensive European privacy laws, my parents do not know the name or the face of the man whose marrow helped save their son's life. Matt's experience left me with constant awe for the complexity of the human genome. Though our family has no recorded ancestors from the Netherlands, one man from Amsterdam had the correct genetic makeup to save my twin's life. While Matt's catheter scars fade over the years, my fascination for genetics and common ancestry continues to grow.
While my parents were often in the hospital with Matt, my grandmother and I developed a shared passion for genealogy. We have traced our lineage from 17th century English peasants to a Mormon polygamist with seven wives. Following such threads back to their common knot has become our favorite game, an ongoing hunt for birth records, death records, marriage licenses, and the love letters in between. I want to take courses from Stanford's Human Biology department in order to learn more about the interconnection of all human life, from a man living in Amsterdam to the twin sister of a Leukemia survivor.
I really think that you should try to condense the first paragraph and elaborate on the second, seeing as it is in the second essay that you talk about your intellectual vitality. It seems like the second paragraph was an afterthought, even though its the main point of your essay. the writing is good though.
mind reading mine?
Yes! I think how you began with being dissection buddies has the possibility of being a good point for you to introduce that idea.
The transition between the two paragraphs is a bit choppy. It is a powerful story and I believe that punctuating the end of the second paragraph with a strong statement will improve the overall strength of the essay.
I really like it.
Hi.
I have read your first essay and I am sure this will turn out great. And it sure does!
Just a little bit of touching up: Since this essay as for an intellectual engaging experience, won't it be nice if you can "show" your doubt or question that you always have in this topic?
Though our family has no recorded ancestors from the Netherlands, one man from Amsterdam had the correct genetic makeup to save my twin's life.
How about, "how did a man from the Netherlands, whom we are not related to in anyways, had the correct genetic makeup to save my twin's life?"
Maybe you want to stick to your original idea, either one is great! =D
G L~
I agree that the transition between the first and second paragraph needs improving. Both of your experiences are great, but i think you should try fo focus more on one, and more about how you find it intellectually engaging.
