"You are not a starter", said my tennis coach. ; Princeton Supplement

Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application.

"You are not a starter", said my tennis coach. From that day on I made an oath to devote my summer of 2011 for tennis practice. And as the tennis season went on, my determination to practice as much as possible over the summer increased as I sat through all my tennis matches. The joyous moments of a team victory was truly amazing, however I wanted to know how it felt to actually be on the court, how it felt to win or lose a point from the opposing team and how it felt to hold responsibility for the success of the team.

As I was getting ready in July to start my practice session, I instantly realized that starting from mid-July to mid-August is the holy month of Ramadhan. This meant that I won't be able to play tennis as I would be fasting. However, my overriding desire to be successful at the sport took over my consciousness and I decided to play tennis and fast at the same time.

Those months of practice seemed ephemeral as the summer 2012 approached quickly. Being the last summer of my high school career, I wanted to do a lot that summer. So I applied for the American Legions Boys State program and the Summer Scholars Program at CCNY. To my surprise and amazement I got into both of them.

For the Boys State program, I had to stay in Morrisville University for 5 days. I got a meaningful insight on how the government works and the contributions that the armed forces have performed for the United States. Being an immigrant, it was quite an amazing experience, as the feelings of patriotism of the United States were infused in me.

As soon as I got back from Boys State, I started making preparations of the program at CCNY. The program emphasized on science and math with an intent on providing a stern yet exciting experience. The most riveting moments in the program occurred whenever a guest lecturer of a high profession would come and speak to us. I was often be dazzled by the new information that were presented to us. Apart from that I was engaged in building a celestial sphere in the program's physics class and prepared a presentation on our Ozone Layer for the chemistry class. Being guided by college professors throughout the whole program gave me a glimpse on my upcoming college life and made me proud of myself for waking up at 7 in the morning.

(1) Do you mean to say that, because you weren't a starter, you didn't play in any tennis matches at all? This isn't clear. Maybe it would be to me if I played tennis.

(2) The sentence before the semicolon implies that Ramadan and tennis practice would be problematic, the next clause should say it outright. For example, "I would have to choose between tennis or my own religious obligations of fasting"

(3) From the sentence I understand that you were confident on both fasting and playing tennis, however the "overriding desire" part is a little too hyperbolic.

(4) Ephemeral cannot replace fleeting in this sense. You should use fleeting because its less prose-y. Also, try to avoid using numerical years, 2010, 2011, because you're supposed to spell things out in formal writing. Maybe try "the summer before my senior year" or something. That gives it a sense of reference.

(5) Careful with the word got. It's best avoided in formal writing since its kind of vernacular and means a lot of different things. "A lot" falls under the same criteria and shouldn't be used. Try to literally say what you mean. "I was accepted into both"..."I was admitted into both"

(6) I would rephrase these last two sentences. Patriotism being "infused" into someone just sounds awkward and negative, sort of like brainwashing. You should also explain what the Boys State Program is. Don't assume people will know.

(7) I dont know what you're trying to say with this sentence starting with "Apart from..." I don't know what a "celestial sphere" is. If you mean "model of the earth" then you should say that. Celestial sphere sounds much more Aristotelian, and not in a good way.

The essay started well until you suddenly digressed from you playing tennis. I wanted to know how that ended for you. Did your coach make you a starter your senior year? What was it like fasting and playing tennis? There are a lot of unanswered questions when you jump to the two summer programs you did. Personally, I would pick one subject or the other since it gives you more word space to reflect on a singular experience. Sorry if I was a little harsh but, you know. I hope things go well for you man. Good luck!

Thanx a lot for the reply.. I really appreciate it :D