'The state of confusion' - UF essay...my surgery.

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

As I awoke on August 11th, 2009, I was struck overwhelmingly by the state of confusion I was in. With the wearing off of the anesthesia I realized that I had successfully faced the most nerve-wracking experience in my life. Lying on the operating table, I felt the incision that would now scar me for the rest of my life and breathed a sigh of relief at the realization that the tumor was gone and I no longer had anything to worry about.

Being diagnosed with a breast tumor at the age of sixteen was the most daunting situation I have ever experienced. When I first noticed it, I merely dismissed it. After all, who gets cancer at sixteen? But when my doctor told me it would have to be removed as soon as possible, I was immediately filled with fear. I still do not know whether or not the tumor was malignant, but nevertheless the impact it has left on my life seems no different. I was not only affected physically by the surgery, but also mentally. I realized that the world does not stop for anyone and you must always persist in your endeavors no matter what situation you are faced with. While I lay on the operating table, many of my peers were out enjoying their summers and their lives in general. I did not want to become one of those people who wallowed in self pity. With the surgery for me came a new determination to succeed and to make the most of my life while I can. This event reaffirmed the fact that I need to strive for only the best in all facets of my life. This is why attending the University of Florida means so much to me at this point in my life.

UF signifies and represents to me the very epitome of a good university. I've been planning on pursuing a medical career for as long as I can remember and my surgery has only confirmed that for me. I feel that I have a greater urge to do well being affected so profoundly myself. I think that my dedication to helping others will help me on my journey to becoming a physician.

I do not come from a long line of Gators-on the contrary my mother was a Seminole-but I would like to establish my presence in this school. I know that the perseverance I learned throughout my entire surgery ordeal will help me to also persevere in an educational setting like UF. Although I visited the university during the summer, when most students had already returned home, there was still a buzz in the air, a certain excitement that surrounded you. I can not wait to become a part of this atmosphere, this family you may call it, this Gator Nation.

Comments/Critiques/Criticisms please :)

I got what you mean, but I don't know, maybe you should rephrase it.

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Umm overall, you have been through a very heartbreaking experience. Try to show more of it, try to establish a direct link between what you have suffered from and how this will contribute to UF. Was your point that since you were a victim of cancer you want to prove that this is not a reason that would let you shine in UF? Make your point clear.. and make sure you don't state anything that you could show instead, like:


Think about it. ;)
Good luck!
And I'm glad you survived it without losing your confidence.. :)

Many people. How did you already suspect yourself of having cancer before you were diagnosed?


Just say that you were in an overwhelmingly confused state.


Noticed what? Noticed your tumor? How do you dismiss a tumor?


Sounds like your sucking up here. Why is UF the epitome of a good university?

Again, your surgery seems to have very little connection with applying to UF. How will surgery effect your college experience? How will surgery contribute to UF? Surgery only made you want to have good stuff in your life.

You are describing a very powerful experience that must have influenced you profoundly, but you are doing so in a way that manages to sound horribly impersonal and cliche. You need to infuse some genuine emotion into your writing, and then let that carry you through to a tighter connection between your experience with cancer and your decision to apply to UF. You have the advantage that you are writing about an experience that presumably really did fill you with all sorts of strong emotions, so you don't have to fake it the way someone writing about a more commonplace experience would. You can draw on something true, which should allow you to craft a much stronger essay than you currently have.

Start again, beginning with when you first noticed and dismissed the lump. Walk us through the experience, including all of the different emotions. Then tell us how this has confirmed your decision to be a doctor and will make you a better doctor.

Hmm, but Simon then how would it relate to the essay topic?
Is deciding to be a doctor through this experience would contribute to the UF community?