Hello guys, this is my personal statement for the common app. Please give me your opinions, any suggestions are appreciated .
"Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out" - Karl Augustus Menninger. Encountering grave obstacles is foreseeable in our life route but the idea is how to conquer them; your volition is inevitably your command, even inspiring you or stumbling. The decision must be industriously considered when you take a momentous step in facing a snag. Overcoming the fears from unrobed and exposing underneath my clothes in front of peoples and listening to their harsh whispers penetrates my ears was presenting a challenge for me. It wasn't effortless to know what is obnoxious making me eccentric.
When I was 10 years old, I attended sports club to dry run which was in my priorities; my objective from that was to complete the missing part of my life -fitness. Days are traditionally passing until the ominous day came, when I dressed my new sports apparel. I found myself like stinging by mockery from fellows even from my chum, when I flashed a glance to myself and then glimpsed to them, I realized there is formidable variance between us. Searching for this nameless case was in the first flight for me, although it was exceedingly tough but I toiled with all my capability until I reached to this whimsical name "Gynecomastia" -a noncancerous increase in the males' breast tissues. As I read, I figured out that it will die out after a couple of years but unfortunately, it endured with me more than 7 years. Endeavoring all possible avenues to cure this disease were in my priorities: multiplying of exercise, maintaining attendance to the sauna, but all trials were having inverse effects as they were adding insult to injury. Furthermore, I was getting worse like jumping from a frying pan and landing in the fire. Failure from approaching a therapeutic vaccine besides people's ridicule were like an unbearable burden for me.
It didn't stop right here; the critical situation evolved as terror governed me. For elucidation, if the school made a trip to the swimming pool, I used to go and hang out with my cronies. But after comprehending my case and comrades' offensive looks, I ceased lots of things: going for trips, donning whatever I want, paling up with unprecedented friends because I didn't want any excess psychological ache. The worst thing is that, no one cognize the root of the subject. In their mind, it is an issue of fatness, and I must vanquish it facilely by practicing some special exercises. They don't know it is a repercussion of disturbances in the endocrine system that lead to an increase in the ratio of estrogen. This causes the most unfavorable effect on me.
When I was 14 years old, I was out of the running as founding myself introvert and taciturn. But one memorable day, my sensible mother entered my chamber and told me optimistic words that pulled me out of the darkness: " you shouldn't stress yourself; you just want to revise your progress in choosing your friends- I trust in your ability to manage this." Guiltless and obvious words like these reborn me as I became another bloke. Beginning with my mother advice was very strenuous at the beginning for sundry things: making new friends and averting the forgotten ones as they were giving chase for a while until they overlooked me, it required lots of time but at the end, it succeeded. One of the prime influential factors was my current boarding school (STEM) which reborn me. This true mainly due to that my new mates have mature, awareness minds. Therefore, they can grasp the idea of my holistic case which dissimilar to the old's primitive troubled minds -they are unalike in personality. I wasn't the only one with this case, there are lots of people like me. So, helping them stepping over the case was like psychological cure for them.
I think that this is a great essay so far but just some tips:
Im not sure what the prompt is but i think its the challenge one. If so, I suggest you go directly into it in the first paragraph, because its a bit of a drag when I just noticed it in the second paragraph.
Also, I'm not sure about including a quote from some known person, but if I were you i wouldn't include it.
And lastly, I would follow this format:
What you are struggling with
How did you struggle with it, how it affected other things in life
how you overcame it
if it is not the challenge prompt then dont follow the outline i gave you
hope this helps
Hello, I am writing this message to clarify my point and what I need to be evaluated in this essay. I just want to evaluate the content, grammer, the use of words, and the flowing of ideas. I hope this gives a holistic clarification of what I need.
Sorry for confusion. The current prompt that I have choosen in the common app is that "Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design." I hope this help you.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 12,842 4176
Steven, as a reviewer, I will have to be honest with you and tell you that the essay that you wrote does not make any sense. It sounds like you had written it in a different language then used an English translator for the English version. It is extremely difficult to try and understand what you are talking about and what the point of this story is. Your presentation sounds like you either just used a thesaurus to write what you hoped were impressive sounding English words without realizing that the meaning of the word does not apply to the situation you were using it in. This created an essay that did not present a clear self-made prompt, clearly explained essay, nor relatable narrative for the reviewer. It is not an essay that can be used for the open topic prompt at this point.
To fix this situation you have to do two things:
1. Decide what story you really want to tell using Gynecomastia in the essay. Maybe give it a fun title like "Living with Man Boobs" or something like that. From the description of the illness, it sounds like you were just growing your chest into a fit manner. Something that working out could have helped fix. Perhaps working out to remove the breasts could be the prompt for your revised version? It's just a suggestion.
2. Do not use an online translator for this essay. You need to make sure that the words you use are applicable, does not create a non-sensical sentence or paragraph, or causes the reviewer to wonder what you are trying to say. Seek professional services for your editing requirements in terms of grammar, word usage, and presentation flow after you have written your second draft. You may use our Services link above for that purpose if you wish to.
It is important that you come up with a clear prompt for your essay for the reviewer to base the content of your written work upon. Sometimes that is all that is needed to make sure that you can get your message across to the reviewer in a manner he can understand. Post your self-made prompt above the actual essay. Lose the quotation. It is unnecessarily long, does not make any sense, and does not move your essay forward anyway. Good college essays, as far as seasoned reviewers are concerned, do better when the student does not rely on the words of others to explain what he wishes to say in his essay. The reviewer is more interested in your thoughts and how you express yourself than how other people's words apply to your life.