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Personal Statement for Harvard, MIT and Darmouth



LilyTran 3 / 8  
Sep 29, 2009   #1
I think it have many errors in Grammar, so it'll be nice if you can check it for me, thank you all. :D

ANd how about the idea? thanks in advance

I was an 11th grade student standing on the honor stage, receiving the Third prizes in the National Physics competition.

I became the captain of the school Physics team. Everyone put their hope on me, wishing me greater success next year.

The school Physics team had five members; we are best friends. We spent time with each other more than time with our families. From early morning till late afternoon, every day of a week, we studied together. Dealing with the deepest knowledge, studying with the most profound but tempered professors, we all shared the same aim of standing out from ordinary people. As brightest students in the school, having the same purpose, we were competitors of each other. None of us wanted to be inferior or shaded by another; thus, we all tried our best to prove ourselves. Hardly any student worked as hard as we did, at least ten hours per day. So diligent we were that the school's library soon became useless. People saw us like bookworms and an isolated group but we knew that great ones were always alone.

We loved our study, we loved our school and we loved each other. Professors were our fathers and mothers, the nice woman at the canteen who always gave us more food was our nanny. The school was our home, the lab was our room and the table was our bed. We had breakfasts and lunches, had a snap on the class's table or played soccer, together. We did crazy experiments that definitely no student had ever dared to think about, together. We are not best friends, we are brothers and sisters.

The test day was coming, one year of ardency and passion was resulted in that day. The professors, like our fathers, told us to eat healthy food, sleep soon and keep our health. We students said good luck to each other every night. Everyone was nervous although we all knew how talented we were and how assiduously we worked.

Everyone did so well on the test; we were absolutely confident of a brilliant success. I did almost perfectly; believing to get one of the highest scores, I dreamed of the International Physics Olympiads.

Three weeks later, our school had a two-day camp in a mountainous area. The first day was great, we hiked, visited historical places and played sports. I did not forget to ask my professor whether or not he had received the competition's result, the question I asked him every day for the past few weeks, and the answer was still the same. In the first night of the trip, we had a big party with dramas, music and a great camp fire. I was playing lottery games, being excited but then a bit disappointed because of missing the first prizes; one of my friends in the physics team got it. When he was receiving the presents, a girl in the physics team ran toward him and cried:

"Minh, it's a first prizes!!"

"Come on girl, everyone knows it", said the crowd.

"No, the competition, the first prizes in the national competition!", her breathy voice.

My voice trembled with anxiety:"How about me, Chuyen, how about others?"

"Minh gets the first, I get the second prizes, you three all get third prizes but only I and Minh were qualified to the international round" she said with nervous.

I was totally depressed; my dreams were flying far away. I could not stand; losing my mind, there was a deep vacancy inside me. One more year of striving, I got the highest score among those of people receiving the third prizes, what a honor! The team gathered in a dark corner of the camp, saying nothing. Everyone knew that no word was appropriate then. Minh, the one who got the first prizes, called every one he knew to confirm the result, trying to force people to say that it was wrong. He looked as if he did not get the first prizes but nothing. When the other boys who also got the third prizes looked at me, I could see something in their eyes, something told me that they felt sad for me rather than for themselves. I cried first, the girl cried second and we all cried together. Beyond, every one was singing and dancing around the camp fire, it was the most boisterous scene I ever saw...

Although I totally disagree with the result, I accepted it. I accepted the finality of the outcome. If you cannot be the best in one way, find another way. That is how I live. To tell the truth, things were not as bad as I thought. Escaped from studying pressure, I had more time doing what I loved to: teaching disadvantaged children, launching environmental projects and setting up my students association, things that I hardly had chances to do before. Every day with me now seem more meaningful, not just for my friends, not just for my family, it is for everyone who needs. And all of the sudden, I realized that the knowledge I learned can be used in many ways worth than for competing. The children in the orphanage school are waiting for me to tell them the stories of stars and planets, the young students in my high school are waiting for me to talk about global warming. Yes, I am on my way...


eternal flame 6 / 18  
Sep 29, 2009   #2
Physics rocks!

Are you from Hanoi-Amsterdam school? It's quite famous overseas and there are a lot of students from this school applying to Ivy Colleges.

I guess English is not your first language. Nonetheless, I believe you've made a good try for this essay. Now, get a paper and a pen, copy down your essay with the best handwriting that you can ever put up with. After finishing, put it in a nicest envelope that you have, seal it with a kiss, and throw it into a dust bin. Thanks God that you never send this pathetic essay to the universities, otherwise your chance of getting in is diminished to absolute zero.

I hate to be mean, but you seriously need to improve your grammar and put more perspectives into this essay if you want to get into prestigious universities like Harvard and MIT. I can sympathy with your feelings as I was put into the same situation, but college essay is not just writing about the the event. It's about you, as a person, and what lessons you draw from this experience. From your essay, I learn nothing except some facts about a disillusioned bookworm who swings his mind to become an environmental activist after his failure. To be honest, it only shows how undetermined you are, and admission officers absolutely DO NOT want this type of students in their universities.

Perhaps you may feel very frustrated rewriting this piece, but this is just a part of what it takes to get into best universities in America (in addition to academic achievement, extracurricular activities, SAT, letters of recommendation, etc).

All the best! =)
OP LilyTran 3 / 8  
Sep 29, 2009   #3
Thanks you for the comment Enternal Flame. I think the one who write this essay must throw it to the dustbin too :)). However, someone encourage him and he ignore my comment. So, I will give him your comment :)).

Thank you very much to tell the truth.

Others, plz check it out, thanks!

And I dont come from Hanoi Amsterdam! I come from Highschool of Physics - Hanoi University of Science (In my country my school is the best one but it seems to be nothing oversea :)))

All the best
sherbert 3 / 9  
Sep 29, 2009   #4
Hey,
I don't think this is probably the best personal statement. I leave with a fairly negative impression.

Although I totally disagree with the result, I accepted it

I didn't understand how you could "disagree" with the results. You may have deserved to win, but the other people deserved it too. I think a better word may have been disappointed. Furthermore, I didn't like where the story went. Instead of pursuing physics with more fervor, you decided to abandon just because you weren't the best which isn't probably something you want to convey to admissions officer. If you really want to write about physics, I think you should adopt a different approach.Hope that helps!
OP LilyTran 3 / 8  
Sep 30, 2009   #5
Thank you very much, Kedia!

This is a type of that : I just tried my best but the result made me disappointed! However, I found the other ways to stand up "I realized that the knowledge I learned can be used in many ways" and "If you cannot be the best in one way, find another way."!

To tell the truth, that essay is bad. But, the writer doesnt accept it! I wanna to tell him that his essay seems to be written by a child! However, I'm not good at grammar, too.

Plz help me check the grammar here and I'll show to the writter. He must rewrite the whole essay!
sherbert 3 / 9  
Sep 30, 2009   #6
I recommend having an English teacher looking over it for grammar. Teachers are usually willing to help as long as you give them sufficient time. That's probably the best option.


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