UC Personal Statements: Suggestions for revising?

Hello, I'm open for any suggestions for revising my personal statements for the better.

Any constructive criticism if greatly appreciated.

First choice UC: Davis, Santa Barbara, Irvine, and Santa Cruz.

Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My father always told me life wasn't fair. He was correct. The world I live in isn't necessarily one you would want to live in. Trust is obsolete, crimes against humanity are still abundant, and love is a rarity. I am the first child of two Salvadorean immigrants who rose from the war torn ashes of Santa Ana, El Salvador they came to the United States for opportunity, escaping the past, and to make a better life for their future families. Success did not come easy. My mother dropped out of high school when she was merely sixteen years old. My father graduated high school, and looked forward to attending a private college but was turned down. The college did not want his brilliant mind, they did not want the burden of dealing with immigration issues.

My parent's poverty stricken childhoods and the risky task of living independently in the United States were feats of true bravery. They were successful.

I know anything is possible. The United States may have had its share of bad publicity, but it was one of the few countries in the world that allowed my people to rise to a prosperous life. My father never attended college, my mother never finished high school, however they had worked as hard as they can to establish what they created today: A family that loves and works to achieve their goals.

However despite my family's good values and lessons, there was still many obstacles I had to face. Going through a time where my parents almost got a divorce, supporting my aunt in her battle against breast cancer, financial struggles, and many of my cousins attempting to succeed in community college only to find themselves preferring the party lifestyle rather than wanting to learn.

Even my community had has its share of bad influences as well as challenges: Gangs, drugs, and sometimes pointless racial conflicts. By participating in community projects am I able to overcome the bad influences in my life.

I hope teach the future generations that peace is possible through education. I can finish what my father hoped to achieve as well as my own personal goals. Art is my form of communication. Art has enable me to express myself that I cannot explain though words. Science is the way I can understand the way the world around us functions and works. I hope be a part of something that will change the world for the better and make people happy, even if its means sitting at an animation desk for several hours and drawing a part of a animation that will last a second; as long as it makes the child watching it smile. College would assist me in understanding the world better. I would be the first generation in my family to attend college, and hopefully establish something greater that my family and I can be proud of.

My high school schedule consists of maintaining my grades, entering rigorous courses, getting involved with extra curricular activities, and working with children. I enrolled in the Avid program to ensure my readiness for college. Through Avid I met people who I can finally relate to, and trust. I have finally made friends through Avid who share similar goals as I do and want to make something better of themselves. From all the years I have been in the program, I learned that anything is possible through dedication and hard work. The mass influx of students creates a challenge for me to stand out as an individual, but it is a challenge I am willing to take in high school, in college, and in life. Life wasn't fair according to my father, but it does not restrict me to do what I want to do in my life.

Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Out of all the things I can tell you about myself, whether my passion in art will take me somewhere, or how I'm a hard working student, or how I'm unique, or maybe how my past experiences has made me a better person. Out of all these things I can tell you there is one quality that I can say to myself that I truly am proud of: dedication.

Out of all the things I have done, whether it be enduring a long, rigorous program such as AVID, or a short term commitment like participating in a month-long intramural sport, I am determined that the same dedication I had for staying in such activities will grant me success in college.

I have been involved with several long term community services involving kids, I am a teen docent at my local art museum, Avid trained and certified academic tutor, even a mascot for a local children's museum. My whole experience of serving the community has been a wonderful one and I'm willing to help out even more in the future.

Not only have I done community services, I have been involved with extracurricular activities at my school such as participating in my marching band, which has had a very good reputation throughout the state of California, and color guard. I have also done intramural sports such as an all girls football game, an effort to raise money for the football team at my school. I have even helped out in several clubs around my school with creative activities such as designing posters and shirts, and I do not stop until the results are satisfying.

As for ultimate long term commitments, Avid proved to be an ultimate challenge which I was ready to take since I first entered high school. The tedious requirements that seemed annoying at first eventually became attempts to see who was really determined to make the commitment. I have proved to my teachers, peers and myself that I am a truly dedicated person, and I'm willing to go my way to get the job done. Finishing my high school years being in the program since the start are the moments I uphold in glory.

Whether someone calls it dedication, commitment or determination, I can honestly tell myself that I can get the job done. Now as I step into entering college, I can further prove myself as I take new challenges that I have never faced before alone. I may be a unique, creative and well rounded student; but being in part of something that takes commitment, and even hours off my day, dedication and hard work is something that I can uphold with dignity.

The first statement is very strongly worded and compelling, giving the reader a vivid sense of your unique personality and way of looking at the world. That's the goal of a personal statement.

Watch out for run on sentences and for comma splices. (That's when you splice two main clauses together with a comma rather than making them separate sentences or joining them with a semi-colon.)

For example:

I am the first child of two Salvadorean immigrants who rose from the war- torn ashes of Santa Ana, El Salvador; they came to the United States for opportunity, escaping the past, and to make a better life for their future families.

The college did not want his brilliant mind; they did not want the burden of dealing with immigration issues.

My father never attended college, and my mother never finished high school; however they had worked as hard as they could to establish what they created today: A family that loves and works to achieve their goals.

If you clean up the punctuation, the first piece is solid. The second needs more work. The writing is less vivid and more undisciplined. Here's my suggested revision of the first paragraph of that one:

I could tell you that my passion in art will take me somewhere, or that I'm a hard working student, or that I'm unique, or maybe that my past experiences has made me a better person. Out of all these things I could tell you, there is one quality that I can say to myself that I truly am proud of: dedication.

First of all thank you for actually taking the time to read my personal statements.
I never actually noticed those comma splices and thanks for the tip.
I'll make sure to fix those up.

Again, thanks :)

Comma splices may be the most common punctuation error. People who are prone to them never notice them. Because they are putting in a punctuation mark to denote the pause between phrases -- just the wrong punctuation mark -- the sentence reads right to them. But once you realize you are prone to this mistake, it's easy to be alert for it.

You could probably cut all of this

"My father always told me life wasn't fair. He was correct. The world I live in isn't necessarily one you would want to live in. Trust is obsolete, crimes against humanity are still abundant, and love is a rarity." It's mostly a pile of cliches, whereas everything after this is fresh and personal.

Also, you might want to add a sentence or two near the end of your next-to-last paragraph in which you explain how you hope to change the world through animation.

For the second paper, try picking a single event or activity that you think exemplifies your dedication, and talk about that in detail. A single colorful anecdote is usually better than an essay that merely lists, especially when you have probably provided an actual list of those events and activities elsewhere in your application.

You know, in Sociology there's a "Front and backstage."

People would rather not hear things which make them uncomfortable, or distort their pleasant view of the world.

They know it exists, but they find it easier not to relate, understandably because it threatens a cognitive dissonance in them.

So scratch the first few sentences in the first prompt, and conclude on a stronger note.

Your second essay is decrepit.

Scratch it, and write about a personal quality that is important to you.

Whatever it may be, you want to elevate it on a pedestal -- describe its raw power, and why it means so much to you.