"To stay in the community and a higher education for my dream" UC DAVIS Waitlist

UC Davis requires the students on the wait list to write a 200 word statement answering why I want to go to Davis. This is due tomorrow, Friday April 15 and I am horrible for asking help last minute. I spent a lot of time of this because I want to make this the best I can and answer the question, but my grammar is terrible. I would appreciate any suggestions, edits, or corrections etc. (: Because the amount of time is so short, I understand if you are not able to look at this since it was my fault for asking so late. Thank you for taking the time to listen (:

Exactly 193 words

UC Davis presents the best opportunity for me to have a good quality education and have a successful career that will allow me to give back to the local community that nurtured me. The rising cost of college education made it practical to stay close to my family and since I wanted a UC education, Davis became my #1 choice. My family's finances had been severely impacted by the recession. Our house got foreclosed and took with it the equity that my parents planned to use to support me in college. I now work part-time so I can support myself as much as possible and plan to do so through college.

My dream is to be part of something greater to make a difference in this world. The outstanding research community in UC Davis is the answer to that dream. I will work hard to become part of a medical research team that will help improve the lives of many. I will join medical volunteering efforts to give back to the local community. I cannot imagine a better place to fulfill these dreams than with UC Davis. Your acceptance is the first step.

I think this kind of sentence is only good if you include some words to make it specific and show that you have a plan for achieving this dream of making a difference. Show that you have specific short-term goals that you will work toward achieving in order to make a real difference.

I'm glad Turbina saw this thread and helped you in time! :-)Thanks Turbina.

To Kevin: -Not at all =) i am glad that i can help other people. I have a couple of questions. Where can we look at them ? (i'm a Contributor)

Oh... I did not see you on the list of contributors. You certainly to a lot of contributing around here, though. :-)
What is your question? Just post it in the appropriate thread. FAQ? Grammar? Writing Feedback?

I don't know where to put this question =) ... i want to have a word Contributor next to my nick name =) And where Contributors can receive additional help (in terms of English) from Moderators? Is there something like private forum..or dunno. Thanks Kevin

Oh, I see!! Yes, I want you to do that, too, so that your future employers and colleagues can see the work you did here.

Go here and scroll down to the bottom to find the link: EssayForum Contributor Page.

Thanks, Turbina!