Any comments, feedback, and constructive criticism (or non-constructive), is appreciated.
I would like to know where I can improve with this essay. Currently, I am not confident in the organization and coherence of this essay.
Does the essay SHOW and not tell?
Does it send a clear message?
Is the underlying theme clear?
Is the topic unique and sets the writer apart from other applicants?
What's something that will stick in your mind after you've read the essay?
Thank you so much!
A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your background, please describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you. (500 word limit).
If your parents told you that you could be anything you wanted to be, take one-step forward. I stayed still while others shifted to the front.
If your family takes regular vacations, take one-step forward. I wasn't qualified either.
If you've been a child laborer...If you've experienced violence at home...If you've lived in an area with prostitution and drugs...take one-step back. I did.
Here I was, at a leadership camp, doing a walking activity that separated the campers by their setbacks and privileges. When the activity ended, my group was scattered across the room. I was at the very back. The Privilege Walk exercise was meant to foster a better understanding of the diversity in our group.
One girl, Alex, could not take any steps. She sat in a wheelchair. But she always smiled and enjoyed herself, which is why her courage and compassion inspired me and others. My roommate, Jacob, was molested as a child, which made him socially awkward growing up, yet his genuine empathy towards others belied his emotional scars. Whenever I told him about my problems, he'd always make me feel better with his "hakuna matata" attitude. It was this emotional intelligence that strengthened him as a leader. I discovered that no matter where we stood on the privilege spectrum, our different circumstances gave us unique characteristics that became our strengths and assets.
For me, my own family's financial situation pushed me to become more creative in order to find the same opportunities that others easily received. While some parents paid for their children's expensive summer camps, I worked hard to get scholarships, and paid my own airfare with savings from my business.
But instead of feeling sympathy over adversity, I prefer to focus on how we grow from overcoming our challenges. Whether the diversity deals with setbacks, culture, perspectives, or talents, I believe it makes a person or team stronger. After the camp, I set a mission for myself to become more appreciative of the diversity around me.
With this goal in mind, I decided to start the Youth United Way initiative, a youth-organized charity. As the director, my first mission was to build a multi-talented team. I began by examining how my classmates' unique experiences could strengthen my organization. One friend of mine never cared much about service, but he was a passionate musician. I encouraged him to join. Thanks to his expertise, we were able to plan a music festival fundraiser. Another friend I recruited was an athlete. He helped us to organize a sports tournament. With our individual talents and knowledge combined, we successfully reached out to a diverse community.
My personal philosophy from these experiences is that a leader must embrace individuals' uniqueness in order to build a stronger team. Though I took many steps back during the Privilege Walk, it was "one-step forward" in learning to treasure the differences and strengths of others. I hope to continue taking steps towards the appreciation of diversity into my college and professional careers.
I would like to know where I can improve with this essay. Currently, I am not confident in the organization and coherence of this essay.
Does the essay SHOW and not tell?
Does it send a clear message?
Is the underlying theme clear?
Is the topic unique and sets the writer apart from other applicants?
What's something that will stick in your mind after you've read the essay?
Thank you so much!
A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your background, please describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you. (500 word limit).
If your parents told you that you could be anything you wanted to be, take one-step forward. I stayed still while others shifted to the front.
If your family takes regular vacations, take one-step forward. I wasn't qualified either.
If you've been a child laborer...If you've experienced violence at home...If you've lived in an area with prostitution and drugs...take one-step back. I did.
Here I was, at a leadership camp, doing a walking activity that separated the campers by their setbacks and privileges. When the activity ended, my group was scattered across the room. I was at the very back. The Privilege Walk exercise was meant to foster a better understanding of the diversity in our group.
One girl, Alex, could not take any steps. She sat in a wheelchair. But she always smiled and enjoyed herself, which is why her courage and compassion inspired me and others. My roommate, Jacob, was molested as a child, which made him socially awkward growing up, yet his genuine empathy towards others belied his emotional scars. Whenever I told him about my problems, he'd always make me feel better with his "hakuna matata" attitude. It was this emotional intelligence that strengthened him as a leader. I discovered that no matter where we stood on the privilege spectrum, our different circumstances gave us unique characteristics that became our strengths and assets.
For me, my own family's financial situation pushed me to become more creative in order to find the same opportunities that others easily received. While some parents paid for their children's expensive summer camps, I worked hard to get scholarships, and paid my own airfare with savings from my business.
But instead of feeling sympathy over adversity, I prefer to focus on how we grow from overcoming our challenges. Whether the diversity deals with setbacks, culture, perspectives, or talents, I believe it makes a person or team stronger. After the camp, I set a mission for myself to become more appreciative of the diversity around me.
With this goal in mind, I decided to start the Youth United Way initiative, a youth-organized charity. As the director, my first mission was to build a multi-talented team. I began by examining how my classmates' unique experiences could strengthen my organization. One friend of mine never cared much about service, but he was a passionate musician. I encouraged him to join. Thanks to his expertise, we were able to plan a music festival fundraiser. Another friend I recruited was an athlete. He helped us to organize a sports tournament. With our individual talents and knowledge combined, we successfully reached out to a diverse community.
My personal philosophy from these experiences is that a leader must embrace individuals' uniqueness in order to build a stronger team. Though I took many steps back during the Privilege Walk, it was "one-step forward" in learning to treasure the differences and strengths of others. I hope to continue taking steps towards the appreciation of diversity into my college and professional careers.
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