Street style fashion in NY. Why New York University? Maximum:400 words.

Here' mine:

street style fashion in NY

There are thousands of reasons why people want to go to New York. For me, it is fashion. As a fan of skateboard and street style fashion, I have most of my clothes Supreme. Skateboarding in New York is special. In New York, I can join in a big family of skateboard culture. Therefore, with aspiration of NYC, I learn more about NYU, and I find it a perfect choice for me, in the aspect of campus life, academics and future goal.

Computer science is a brilliant game that takes my interest because it is a common language around the world but develop differently in cultures. Therefore, I value the diversity of cultures, which is NYU' special. With the greatest amount of international students, NYU also encourages students to experience campus life in different part of the world. Among the programs, I am most interested in NYU Study Away in Paris. Some people believe that science is all the same around the world, but I don't think so, because we cannot separate science and culture. Learning science on romantic Seine River in Paris and in the concrete jungle of New York will be totally different experiences. When I know the beauty and troubles of the world, I have more chance to make the world a better place.

Tandon's academy attracts me for it values making real-world contribution. Vertically Integrated Projects (VIP) provides me with various projects, which represents the learning methodology of my preference. I enjoy using knowledge to make difference. During Intern in Beihang, I made a UVA with a mini-acoustic playing music and flied it around the campus, offering passers-by great happiness and surprise. I want to continue this project-based, interdisciplinary, research-active education, and I am especially interested the project, Music Experience Design Lab, in which I can learn technology in the melodic atmosphere.

When I say I'm going to New York, to establish my startup and contribute to making NYC a smarter city of high-tech, many people may think I am daydreaming, but Tandon will embrace my ambition, and help me strive for my goal. In MakerSpace, I will find my place in innovative and entrepreneurial activities, including hackathons and tech talks. I will also strive for Engaging Engineers for development of interpersonal, leadership and sense of responsibility.

My dream will start in a city I am proud of, and my dream is to let the city proud of me. (409 words)

Please give me some advice to revise it. Thank you.

Jiang, focus your response on the academic aspect of the university. Omit the references to your city expectations, dreams, and interests. That is the go-to response for all the applicants. It would be best if you steer clear of that representation in your essay. It has a pretty strong reference to the academic capacity of NYU to keep you interested in your education. It also has a strong sense of how the university can create a world class person educated in the international campuses. So those are the strong points of your essay that are weakened by the reference to the city, as well as your dreams and aspirations that are more city than university based. If you can reverse that discussion to make it more centered on the academic side, then the essay should be ready for a final edit soon.

@Bennyoooo
Every applicant to NYU will be talking about New York, so you would be better off talking about a specific NYU course that appeals to you.