'A student, not an athlete' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay

Makes sense to me, but I'm not sure if it will to others. Haven't really finished, so suggesstions, changes, etc. are much appreciated.

Prompt: Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

As I look out the window of my room, there's an entire world out there- wind tickling the leaves that survived the last freeze, my neighbors playing tag in their backyard, and so on. Yet, as I look out, all I can really focus on is my old soccer goal resting up against the fence in the far reaches of my backyard. Worn and tattered after years of use, it holds more significance now than ever. It's very clichï, but moments like this really force one to reflect upon an experience, for better or worse.

From the age of 3 up until a year ago, I knew I was going to go to college to play soccer. I took all the right steps to achieve my dream, playing soccer year-round at the highest levels available to me: Olympic development teams, regional premiere teams with older kids, and even training within the youth national team pool. I was so close

to making my dream a reality, everything was starting to come together.

Inside the goal, though, there is a soccer ball, and it is flat. I can't help but think about Stephen Colbert's commencement speech on YouTube, where he said, "Thankfully, dreams can change. If they didn't we'd have a bunch of cowboys and princesses running around."

My dream drove me to achieve; that saggy soccer ball did more for me than any Model UN, debate club, or math team. It taught me about being passionate about what you're doing and giving it everything you've got. And that is why I decided to change my dream of playing soccer in college. I now know it wasn't the game of soccer I was in love with but the idea of being the best at something. I am not bitter, though; I can appreciate the beautiful game now more than ever, my dream of playing college soccer was my train, and as the conductor of the Polar Express wisely said, "The thing about trains... It doesn't matter where they're going. What matters is deciding to get on." I'm certainly glad I got on, for it has enabled me to pursue my new dream: attending Stanford University as a student, not an athlete.

I like your essay but I think it suits the 'what matters to you and why?' prompt of the stanford supplement more than this prompt. It really conveys your passion for soccer but not how it was intellectually engaging.

Hope this helps

The end is also kind of confusing because the quote makes it sound like you got on the train of college soccer, but for some reason didn't go for your goal. I'm not sure exactly what you mean here.

I really like the way this is written. What's confusing to me is exactly why you changed your dream of playing soccer. I mean, your essay tells me that you changed because you were passionate about it; that's really confusing.

with some changes to the wording, do you all think that this could work better as my what matters to you essay- relate it to it making me a student rather than athlete- or should i reword to make intellectual vitality stand out more?

Thanks for the comments!!

This essay is very well written and your passion clearly shows for the game. I see this more as your what matters to you essay since, atleast to me, it seemed like it was less intellectual and more personal. And also I would clear up what caused you to abandon your dream for the game.

Also the last sentence in the first paragraph:

"It's very cliché, but moments like this really force one to reflect upon an experience, for better or worse."

this could be removed completely in my opinion

Just a few tweaks as i was reading through it. Other than a few adjustments I really enjoyed the piece.
could you help me out on my Stanford intellectual vitality piece?

i like the tone of your essay, its serious and whimsical at the same time. i think you need to be a little clearer about what you're going to do at college. if you're not going as an athlete but as a student or even both, you need to talk more about why going as a student is also important and is now your new dream. i understand soccer was and still important to you but if college is your new dream, you should expand a bit more.

wishing you best of luck. Hope this helps!

i just posted an essay, if you have time can you please review and give feedback!

Thanks alot!

Your essay is in the beginning incredibly well written, until you get to the so well.
Afterwards I sense the lack of elaboration. I mean, soccer had been your life,
what had made you realize that it was the wrong reasons?
And also, Stanford asks what matters to you. You should maybe clearly say something like:
passion for something should be also fun, not driven by the urge to success.
As a European I have no idea whether the reader will know what an assist is, try to find some answer to that.
And the last thing:
In my experience the whole point of soccer is to make a goal so your team wins.

very passionate and well-written. it clearly shows your fall in enjoyment level.
best of luck!! :)