'study group' - aspiration for my life - UC Prompt #1#2

Typing on a keyboard and clicking a mouse; these were how I passed the days when I was 10th grade. With no thoughts and plans for my future, I spent my time playing computer games and searching the internet. My parents did not continue to allow me to live without purpose or dream. They wanted me to get out from the swamp of computer games and study for my future. With a firm belief, my parents decided to put me in a study group in our local area.

In the study group, there were students who were just the same as me. When I first joined, I thought they were people who studied because their parents told them to. Let me be honest. I had ridiculed and cursed them whenever they studied. To me, their studies looked as meaningless and hopeless a process. In my eyes, they were slaves who just work to avoid the whip from their masters. I had believed they also had no plan about their futures and did not know how to live when they became adults. To me, they looked too young to think about their future seriously. However, when I saw their joyful faces when they got their results, I realized they were not studying without a purpose. They were developing themselves to reach their goals and preparing for the future they would meet. They were not studying without reason or purpose; they were studying to get a result which they desired. They were different than me. They had their hopes and dreams and they were stepping forward to their goals. As I saw people in the study group, I realized how important a dream and an aspiration is to one's life. With their support and cheer, I could find an aspiration for my life.

Sometimes I think how my life would be even if I did not join to the study group and meet those people. Maybe I could not get out from the swamp of computer addiction. I would keep playing pointless computer games with no hopes and aspirations. It was lucky that I met people in study groups. I could find the aspiration of my life and the realized the importance of aspiration.

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I am sure there is something that I have to revise but I don't know where sure I revise.

This is a very "epiphany"-like essay. It seemed very parallel to Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol." Scrooge wakes up one a day a changed man, able to see things he never saw before; that is what this piece sounds like to me. A very sunny, hopeful answer. Good work!

These are the essays I wrout for UC, please help me !!!!
Give me a comment about these essays please.
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Prompt #2 (all applicants)

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

When I was attending second semester of 11th grade, I was busy to help the pastor for the praise night what my church provides every year. "Why don't you be an actor for the play we have on this praise night?" the pastor suggested me to be an actor for the play in the praise night. It seemed it would be a great experience to me, so I accepted that suggestion.

My acting was not good, actually it was terrible. It was like a textbook reading whenever I say my lines and robot whenever I make a motion. Everything I make was awkward. After I experienced the strict and harsh practice, I realized thousand of people would watch my acting. That time, everything became so serious. I had accepted to act on the stage because it just looked fun and interesting. However, I had not realized that it also take a huge responsibility to act in front of people. Also, I realized my acting would affect on the image of the play. I could not be irresponsible about the play anymore. I made up my mind to be more serious about this play. First I said the lines over and over to fix my awkward accent and get the clear pronunciation and memorized it. Also, I practiced and thought the motions I would make at the stage. Whenever there was a practice with other people, I always participated to get the flow of acting. Sometimes I wanted to surrender. I had to spend most of the days by practicing. I had thought that why should I practice and concentrate on play this much although my part is smaller than other's have. To me, the practice was seemed as a process that is not that effective for my acting. I was not a professional actor; I had many other things to do for myself. However, I overcame these complaints with rumination of responsibility I have for the audience and thinking of myself with great joy after the play.

When the real play has come, I felt really nervous. When I was waiting for my turn to go out to the stage, I got really nervous. I memorized my lines over and over to calm myself and focused on my friend's acting to catch a flow of the play. When the music sounded, I stepped out to the stage and said my lines as same as how I practiced for a long time. Every thing was clear. The play ended in acclamations and cheers. After I came back to the backstage, I realized that I successfully acted at the stage and the play ended successfully. I felt great joy and happiness at that moment and made me to get proud of myself.

Through practice of the play I realized how being diligence is important to me. Even if I became diligent because of the pressure for responsibility, I realized how the diligence affects on one's skill and life style. Through steady practices and efforts, my acting skill had been improved dramatically. Also, after I finished the play, I got proud of my diligence and efforts I put on my acting. It was a great, effective experience on my life. If I did not decided to act, I would not realize how important to be a diligent. After I experienced this time, I became diligent on something I have to try.

Good evening :)

In regards to the first piece, please see my comments on it previously.

In regards to the second piece, mechanically, you have several short sentences one after another throughout this essay, and I think that is what is giving you the feeling you describe. This results in a choppy flow, and thus your sensation. To resolve this, try combining these shorter sentences with commas or semi colons, as this will smooth out the flow. For instance:

"My acting was not good; actually it was terrible. It was like a textbook reading whenever I said my lines and robotic whenever I made a motion. Everything I did was awkward, and after I experienced the strict, harsh practice, I realized thousands of people would watch my acting. That time, everything became so serious. I had accepted to act on the stage because it just looked fun and interesting, however, I had not realized that it also take a huge responsibility to act in front of people."

Try going back through your piece and see where you think you can condense and link more of these sentences. That will help this a great deal.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com