TAMU Statement of Purpose Essay, Biochemisty Major. Not sure if prompt is answered correctly.

I am applying as a transfer student to Texas A&M University. I am not too sure if I responded to the prompt correctly. I am very open to suggestions to make this better. Thank you for your time!

This is what i have so far:
I am the first of my family to attend college therefore the process of applying to a university itself is a huge step for me. I want to major in biochemistry because I have really enjoyed my biology and chemistry classes. Even though I am decided on my career goal, I like how there are so many things that can be done with a biochemistry degree. I want to become a veterinarian and veterinary school is challenging so, going through the biochemistry curriculum I believe will prepare me for when I, hopefully, start veterinary school. The reason that I want to be a veterinarian is because I have always had a strong affection towards animals, more specifically horses. I have been around horses my whole life and, I started riding at the age of four. I began to rodeo when I was eight years old. To this day I still do rodeos. I also enjoy playing sports more specifically, football and soccer.

My first language is Spanish and when I started pre-k there was not a bilingual program at that school so, I was at quite at a disadvantage as compared to my classmates. Luckily, I had teachers that were willing to work with me so that I could learn English and be at the same level as the rest of the students in my grade. I struggled my first few years my first few years but, I managed to learn. Even like that, I was not a student that would get good grades on all the assignments in elementary school. Except for math, I have always been pretty good in that particular subject. Reading was what I really struggled with, it was horrible for me. I would stay for one on one tutoring after school year after year until finally I was at a normal reading level. I still didn't like it because of the fact that I had struggled so much with the subject in the past. I remember middle school very vaguely but, one thing that I do remember is getting commended performance on my reading TAKS test for the first time because it was a big accomplishment for me after all that I struggled.

I am a very determined individual, I like setting goals for myself and achieving them. My freshman year was when I learned how important GPA and class rank were, along with how they both work. This occurred when I was asked what my GPA was and I could not answer because I did not know what it was. After it was explained to me, I went to the registrar right away to request a transcript. When I saw my class rank, I was quite embarrassed because I was ranked so low compared to my friend. My competitive side kind of took over and, I quickly started asking how I could get my GPA higher. I wasn't taking any advanced classes so, for the following year I signed up for an honors course and an AP course. I did not want to take too many and end up being too much for me. I handled those classes well and my junior year I signed up for four advanced courses and my senior year I took some more. When I got my final transcript I was so surprised at how my GPA turned out. I knew that it was going to be good for me academically but what really got me going was that I looked at it as a competition.

The summer after graduating I got a job at a local veterinary clinic. I did not believe that I was ready to leave home quite yet so, I decided to stay stay and attend a community college. Working and going to school was something new to me because I had never worked before. I had a hard time adjusting at first but then everything seemed to settle in and go fairly smooth. Now I believe that its time to start the next chapter in my life and I can not think of better than Texas A&M to do so.

Being an Aggie would literally be a dream come true, ever since I was little I would tell my parents that I was going to go to Texas A&M University. It just happened to be coincidence that it is the only veterinary school in Texas and I am glad it worked out that way.

Manuel, your statement of purpose should not focus on two majors. It should only focus on Biochemistry because that is the reason you are transferring to TAMU. Try to refocus your statement of purpose from sounding like a personal statement. That is not what you are writing here. Your statement of purpose as a transfer student should combine two factors, your reason for wanting to transfer from your current university, and the purpose for the way that TAMU better suits your career goals.

For your purpose, it is best if you reflect specific information that defines the reason why your need to transfer to TAMU from your current university. An outline of the information you should present follows below:

1. Explain the status of your current studies. Why do you feel that transferring schools at this point would be beneficial to you? I know that you mentioned Biochemistry in your current essay. However, you also mentioned Veterinary school. Then the focus of your discussion shifted from Biochemistry to your desire to attend vet school. Be consistent. If you are transferring due to your desire to study Biochemistry at this point, then make that the center of the essay. Vet school as a secondary purpose took too much of that paragraph. The concentration should be on the importance of Biochemistry to your future since you are not sure that you will be attending vet school in the future.

2. What are your dreams for a career in Biochemistry? Now, keep in mind that Vet School would be more related to a Biology rather than Biochemistry major. So don't keep falling back on Vet School for the response. You need to make the reason behind your choice of Bio Chemistry clear.

3. As a current student at your university, why do you feel that they have taught you as much as they can. In other words, where did they fail that you know TAMU will succeed in teaching you?

4. Remove the reference to the job at the vet clinic. At this point, I believe that you are pursuing the wrong major. Consider a shift to Biology instead of Biochemistry. Biology is the usual choice for pre-med and pre-vet students. Replace it instead with any high school related activities or learning or experiments that highlight your abilities to succeed as a Biochemistry student instead.

Before you proceed with this essay, make sure that you are dedicated to the correct course of study. If you want to be a vet in the future, maybe you should pursue that instead because your essay keeps aligning itself to admission into that department instead. I can sense your passion for it, but it doesn't belong in a Statement of Purpose for a biochemistry major. Being torn between two majors will not be something that will reflect well with the reviewer. Dedicate yourself to Biochemistry for all intents and purposes at this time.

Thank very much, I will be removing all the Vet school information. Are my paragraphs talking about my journey through school needing to be removed as well?

Yes. remove all references to grade school and dreams you had as a child. You have to understand that you are now in college and as such, should have more future leaning discussions filling your mind. While I will not discount the influence of your childhood dreams and your struggles in school, as well as your being the first person your family to attend college, these are all matters of insignificance to the reviewer. Why is it insignificant?

Your dreams and aspirations should have developed from childhood. As you grow, your dreams should either become enhanced to the point where you want it become your career or, it becomes just a footnote in your past. It is the future plans you have for yourself that are important when discussing your college and career plans.

One other thing, you can skip discussing your GPA if you wish. Since you are already in college, your high school GPA is already irrelevant. The GPA you got during your previous college semesters are what now will be examined in determining your qualifications. So if you can revise that paragraph to reflect college instead of high school, it should work to your benefit better.

Wouldn't those be considered "valued experiences" that relate to my academic discipline?

Not when you are already in college. The GPA in question is something that would have been considered when you were a potential incoming freshman in college. At this point in your studies, you already have at least one full semester of college to submit as documentation of your GPA. Your current GPA is what will be considered because transfer students also need to meet a minimum GPA requirement. So if you explain your college GPA it becomes relevant to considering your application. Your high school GPA doesn't matter because it does not prove your ability to function as a college transfer student.

For your experience in the vet clinic, do you have any experience there are relates to biochemistry? At this point, you mentioned the experience at the vet clinic as a more personal than academic experience. In order to make it relevant to your statement of purpose, you need to discuss how your work at the clinic relates to Biochemistry. Did you help in the lab? Do some analysis of information from the lab, or help deliver medication to the animals? What was it about that experience that relates to developing your interest in Biochemistry? That is what the reviewer will be interested in learning about.

Basically, you need to forget a number of high school points because these no longer work for a current college student. You have to get beyond that. You need to present your current college mindset instead of your previous high school aspirations.

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense. Could you give me your email that way I can send you my revised version?

Sorry, that is against the forum regulations. You will just have to post the essay here again for editing. This is an open forum and everyone is welcome to post their comments and advice to you :-) Don't worry about anything. We have had a lot of students here in the past who worried about their essays and they came to realize that there is nothing to worry about. Your essay is safe here. It won't be plagiarized, nor will it be treated badly. Everyone who participates here are your friends.

I will wait for you to post your essay here. While i may not be able to respond immediately in some cases, and some other people might offer you advice during that time, you don't have to worry. I will be back with a response for you as soon as I have analyzed your paper. Actually, I am already excited about reading your revised paper so I hope you can post it here soon.

Hey! You wouldn't recommend the essay being to long or would you?

This is my revised essay.

I have been sure of what I want my career to be for quite some time now. I want to become a veterinarian but when I graduated high school I was not sure of what I wanted to major in but, I did know that I did not want to major in animal science because I wanted to do something different that was both relevant to veterinary but also had more paths to go if by any chance I decided to go a different way career wise. Luckily, when I graduated high school I also got a job at a local veterinary clinic and that really helped me decide what it was that I wanted to major in. Thanks to my job I decided to major in biochemistry.

I decided to go with biochemistry because I was so curious of everything that went on in the lab at the clinic. I would sometimes look at things that were under the microscope when the technicians would actually find something. In other cases, I would hear the veterinarians tell the technicians to send off the blood or whatever was needing to get tested. I found out that they would get sent off to a lab that had more equipment than a regular veterinary clinic. I then researched to find out what kind of people worked in these labs and I read that biochemist were some of the professionals that worked in these labs. Another aspect of working at a veterinary clinic that really caught my attention was when the veterinarians would prescribe medicine for their patients. This because there is so much medicine out there, I would ask myself how they knew what exactly to give their patients. Biochemistry has a lot to do with the creation of medicine and drugs so, I would like to learn more about the processes that are gone through to reach the final out come. Once I began to look into biochemistry I realized how many doors can be opened as far as careers go. From both veterinary medicine and human medicine to working in a lab.

After high school I decided to attend a community college because I didn't think I was ready to go off to a university that was far from home. I wanted to stick around and do two years. Going into the first semester, I didn't know what to expect. I was very surprised at how different it was, it was very fast paced and the instructors didn't baby people like they did in high school. I struggled a bit because my note taking skill were pretty bad and my studying skills were even worse. I tried numerous methods for taking notes while in lecture. I tried taking notes on my computer, printing out the PowerPoints until finally I just decided to go about the old fashioned way with a good ole pen and pencil. Trying to find a good studying strategy was difficult because I didn't really study in high school. I found out that it is easier for me to study in a group versus studying alone and that's the method I have stuck with until now. Everything I have been doing has actually worked out for me and I plan to keep those methods as move start my next academic chapter in my life.

I am not surprised that there are many people that want to attend Texas A&M University. It is a school that is very well known for the quality of education that is given there. The Aggie culture is so unique because it is very full of tradition. I feel like it's the perfect fit for me and I would be honored to be able to call myself an Aggie.