I've really been procrastinating so the deadline's in two days: please give me any feedback you can!
Thank you so much!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My world, currently, because this would have seemed foreign a year ago, is tattooed. It's permanently changed in a way that represents freedom, unconditional love, understanding, acceptance, and of all things hope. The ink on my consciousness reminds me of the story of a girl, a girl that I miss very much, and who has shaped me to be an open, loving person.
The tattoo on my family is for Jessica, my cousin, mentor and friend. Her death devastated my family more than we could ever imagine, because her life was too inspiring to ever forget. She was a dark-haired, petite and fair skinned beauty in her late twenties, who was sarcastic and funny, curious about the unknown and strong in her beliefs. She knew how to make you laugh, told you exactly what she thought, even if it wasn't easy to say, and served as a role model when I was a anxious and confused child. More than anything, her determination was strong, even when her body wasn't. When she was 15, and I was only a small child, doctors found a lemon-sized brain tumor on Jessica. Even when the odds were against her and the pain was almost too difficult to overcome, our family stood by her day and night in the hospital. It took a great deal of pain and tears for her to overcome it all, but she never gave up, and eventually even had to learn how to walk again. Her life was a miracle, so the story of the pain and persistence she and my family had been through wasn't forgotten for a moment. And the life she lived after that was the Jessica in my memory: the girl that went to concerts all the time, supporting indie bands and collecting vinyl. She dressed uniquely, had five or six tattoos, and stood firm in her eventual decision not to eat meat. The girl that I experienced in my life first hand was who I really admired, for being so significantly changed by disaster that she lived her life in the way she wanted, without holding back and ignoring judgments.
Jessie's tattoos, those physical, were colorful and significant, like those events in her lifetime that left a mark on her. I believe that tattoos represent a breaking of social norms, and an expression in a way that others might be too scared to have, because it's permanent. But tattoos are like events in your lifetime, because they may fade with time, or try to be lasered away, but some piece of it will always remain.
The world I come from is tattooed more significantly than I can describe. Before she passed away in April, I was a naïve teenager: narcissistic and lost in my own life. Now, I know that my family is strong, and will support and love me no matter what decisions I make in my lifetime. In turn, I can't help but love and accept them, as well as other close friends, exactly the way that they are: life is too short and erratic to not love people in their entirety while you still can. A few of my family members have now gotten tattoos in remembrance of Jessica. I'm currently too young, but I'll be very content waiting until I'm eighteen. Her memory will never fade away, and will be a mark on me for a lifetime.
Sorry, but this essay isn't useful. When the admissions official reads this essay, they'll want to admit your cousin, not you. If you'd like to talk about your family, write an essay that tells us about your own "breaking of social norms", and how your familial support helped you do so. Right now, your essay discusses only Jessica, and only vaguely addresses you in the last paragraph.
This is a common pitfall; in fact, UCD states it right on its website. Its why personal statements are hard; its easy to talk about someone else, but hard to open up to a stranger and examine yourself. Maybe, since you and your family are so close, you can ask a family member for help- it should be easier for them to talk about you. Make sure you write the actual essay, though.
Otherwise, brainstorm about how you would be different if raised in a different family, accepted to a different school, or weren't part of that club/team/whatever.
Good luck!
