"Please respond to the following essay topics using at least 250 words, but not exceeding the space provided. (2000 characters)
Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
My three-week family trip to China was an eye opening adventure. As opposed to begging for stories from my parents, I was excited to finally see for myself, my home country. In the countryside, I was astonished to see my relatives without air conditioning and plumbing, still using a bucket for a toilet. Rampant everywhere, young children kneeled with hands outstretched. "This is the 21st century, how can people still be living like this?" I questioned my father. When I tried to go on the Internet to visit Facebook, it was blocked. "The Chinese government controls the flow of information with an Iron Fist" my mom had explained. During dinner with my relatives, I couldn't add anything of substance to the conversation either. My relatives would converse with me in our native tongue, but I couldn't speak the dialect because I had never thought it was imperative to learn. I had never felt so helpless, and embarrassed. That night, I vowed no matter how busy life gets, to self study my dialect.
In some shops a few days later, my sister had exclaimed: "Oh Jennifer, check out the kite, it's beautiful!"
"I know, let's buy three." The street vendor named a price, and I knew I was getting ripped off, but I couldn't bargain back because I didn't have the fluency in the Chinese dialect to do so. As trivial as it may seem, being taken advantage of over a toy, inspired me.
Two years later, I've made up for my past ignorance. All due to that illuminating one month, I'm currently subscribed to "China Today", have returned to Chinese school on weekends, and have eagerly embraced a notorious elective, "Modern China." I can't converse with anyone but my parents, but knowing I can now speak my native tongue also gives me a great deal of personal fulfillment. "
Please be very critical and harsh! I have grammar and punctuation issues so any help would be really appreciated heh
Have a great holiday!
Your entire essay idea was good and the narrative was fine, but there is a lot of random information that you didn't connect together and it felt as though you were telling an interesting story and just picked a random thing to tie it together at the end.
For example, it was nice that you recalled the Facebook block and the poverty that you witnessed, but it doesn't relate to your language fluency.
I would try working on a better hook
All due to that illuminating one month
The one is redundant.
All due to that illuminating one month, I'm currently subscribed to "China Today", have returned to Chinese school on weekends, and have eagerly embraced a notorious elective, "Modern China."
This sentence sounds a little strange, I would suggest working on it a bit.
Other wise it is a very good essay!
