I would like brief feedback on the start of my common app transfer essay
Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
My mom never got to see me graduate. I knew my grades were not good enough to land me into a respectable college so I only applied to one local college based on the affordability and I was rejected. In all honestly, it was not a surprise. I wasted away four years of school with my lack of effort and the inability to recognize my potential. I finally realized that community college was the only option. I had contemplated if I was making the right choice to further my education. I decided that I would attend college the following spring. Since I was not in school, I decided to get a job in the meantime. My job entailed me selling footwear and other related products. I excelled and was often the top salesperson in the store. Since I was not in school, I worked 40 hour weeks and had the opportunity to work a lot with the assistant managers and learn new tasks. I learned a great amount on how the company operates.
I enrolled into Erie Community College majoring in criminal justice. I have very little idea of what I wanted to do with criminal justice, it was just something that interested me at the time. Throughout out the course of that semester I realized that I undoubtedly picked the wrong major. The classes did not spark an interest in me at all. I repeated In retrospect, I know I was not ready for college. Next semester, I switched my major to communications and knew I had made the right choice.
-Brown, Danté
Uh, I think you should revise this essay very carefully. After reading your essay, I still don't see the reason for your transferring. You started the essay with how bad you were in high school, follow up with your job which is irrelevant to the prompt. I mean you can introduce yourself a bit but no need to go in great details, let's try to stay on topic here. Then you said you were not happy with criminal and justice in the community college you attending to, yet you offer very little details about the major that you want to enroll in.
I think you should skip the bad high school record and the reason why you chose community college, it is already in your transcript so no need to repeat that, so for now, let forget about your past. The prompt ask you the reason for your transfer, you can say that you are ready to move on to a four years college. Focus on the major you are interest in (which is communication), answer why the school you are transferring to can help you to achieve your goal. What kind of career you are thinking with the communication major so that you won't repeat your mistake of choosing the wrong majors. Prove to the college that you have done some research about the school. And prove to them that they will not regret accepting you.
Good luck and I hope I was not too nitpick about this. :)
Thanks! i kind of figured i was going a bit off topic. That was just my first two paragraphs of my essay, not the full essay. But since the common app essay is not for just one individual school but a number of schools, how could i successfully talk about a school in my essay without coming off as i don't know much about the other ones?
Here is the problem. Even though it's a common app, but it is not a good idea to use the same essay without any revision and send it off to multiple colleges. You should edit each of the essay that you want to submit to each college to an extend that it will point out the uniqueness of the colleges. Solution? Research, research, research. Even though communication offered in most of the four year colleges, but the requirements can be varied from school to school.
Here is my experience, I applied to most out of state schools and didn't have money to visit them, so i have to do my research until i can find enough evidence that can support my sincerity to go to that college. Do not state obvious feature that administration already know about their school such as "wonderful sport teams" or "reputation".
However, as you said, the good thing about common app is you can use one essay and twisted them here and there to fit the need of each school.
Here are my suggestions:
1) Find out more about your major and the career that you are interested in.
2) Did your community college actually help you at all, if not then avoid mentioning it, or you can even use that to your advantage by saying the reason for your transfer because the other school did not fulfilled your need.
3) How did you know that the major is right for you? any experience or did any friends or family members experienced it?
4) Did you finished the two years in your community college?
5) Tell the school something that is not obvious, such as campus (be specific, don't just say it's "wonderful" or you like "suburban"), how the majors/minors being offered in the school can aid you during this process (may be different from the one that you are interested in)
Somewhere on the internet, someone had an interesting comment make me lol so I apologize if i cannot remember the source:
Here you= what you can offer
Here the school= what the school can offer
Here You + the school = aww :)
Good luck. Hope that answer your question
My deepest apology, I searched up the common application and it does say use the same essay for all the colleges. So forget about the part i said about customizing it.
Again, I am very sorry about the bogus advice.
no problem man, i appreciate the advice
Hey, this thread has some great advice! I think both of you are too hard on yourselves! :-) Ryan, I totally agree that this essay needs a different focus. I want to scrap all of this:
My mom never got to see me graduate. I knew my grades were not good enough to land me into a respectable college so ... recognize my potential. I finally realized that community college was the only option. --- no need to make it negative. Every educator knows that American schools are lagging behind, failing the students. It is normal to have found inspiration in places other than school. Focus on your PLAN and do not turn the essay all cliche and negative by spilling your guts about a lack of focus as a kid. This is now, and you are enrolling in their school.
Focus on the work experience, the interests you have developed, and what you think you can do to make your life meaningful. Tell them your tentative plan.
