'Towards studying pharmacy' - concise narrative - Undergrad Admission essay

Hi, I was wondering if someone could peer read my essay for me. Do you think it has a strong enough touch or should I change the subject?

Thanks :D

I was a sophomore in High school at that time and my family was in a bad financial situation since my dad was laid off from work, and not to mention that my brother went to a university and needed money to pay for his university tuition. However, I wanted to achieve one of my dreams of going to a summer program that I always wanted to go to since I was 12! The program was called the Student Science Training Program at a University where I spent seven weeks in a dorm going to lectures, labs, and doing research in the Medical field.

I was filled with excitement realizing that I could now achieve my dream of going to this program during my sophomore year but my parents sadly told me that they couldn't afford it. I still persisted and I found out through my school that there was a scholarship that can award students $2,500. I first signed up for the summer program and to see if I would be chosen since only about 100 students out of the United States can be chosen to go to the program. My teacher was surprised since I was the first one to get the application. I was accepted into the program, and just had to pay the fee of $3,000. Then the scholarship application came out and after filling it out, I found out that I didn't get the scholarship. It felt like right when you were about to cross the finish line to get first place in a race, someone comes and pushes you down and all of the other racers beat you and you get last place. I went to the school program meeting even though I got strep throat and didn't want to go. I was upset to see that some of the students who got the scholarship didn't even need the scholarship or some of the students were forced by their parents to go! After filling out scholarships and emailing prestigious pharmacy companies, I finally was awarded $ 2,500.

During the program I researched on the Formulation of Lipid-based gene delivery vehicles with reduced toxicity in Mammalian cells. After the summer program, I entered to the Regional science fair and got first place with two special awards in the Medical division, and won 4th place in the state competition. My life dream is to go to a University and get my PhD in pharmacy and help people in need of medications and work on research to cure diseases. From this experience, I learned to never give up on my dreams and always persist in what I believe in. This experience truly made me more focused and confident about myself and will truly affect my college studies by making me more apt and determined to achieve my goals in my studies in being a pharmacy student. It is crucial for students to understand how important an opportunity education is. It is the key to success, joy, and a bright future for all individuals from all backgrounds.

During the program I researched on the Formulation of Lipid(This should not be capitalized.) -based gene delivery vehicles with reduced toxicity in Mammalian(This should not be capitalized.) cells. After the summer program, I entered to the Regional(This should not be capitalized.) science fair and got first place with two special awards in the Medical(This should not be capitalized.) division, and won 4th place in the state competition. My life dream is to go to a University(This should not be capitalized.) and get my PhD in pharmaceuticals and help people in need of medications and work on research to cure diseases. From this experience, I learned to never give up on my dreams and always persist in what I believe in. This experience truly made me more focused and confident about myself and will truly affect my college studies by making me more apt and determined to achieve my goals in my studies in being a pharmaceutical student. It is crucial for students to understand how important of an opportunity education is. It is the key to success, joy, and a bright future for all individuals from all backgrounds."

Nice work. You explain yourself clearly and your text is very well organized. A few mechanical corrections, but overall a nice job!

Thanks so much!

However, do you think the essay is a little flat or should I change anything to make it better?

I rewrote the same essay but in a different way... which one do you think is better?

Thanks again, I really appreciate it :)

"The Student Science Training Program is one of the most prestigious programs in the nation. At the University of Florida, the program attracts the best and brightest students from across the state and nation. After filling out applications and forms, I was accepted into the program but I realized that my parents couldn't afford the cost of $3,000. However, no matter how many students, teachers, and friends told me to give up and try again next year, I kept an unwavering determination to try to find a way to pay for the cost of the program. I filled out scholarships, emailed pharmacy companies, and even went to local businesses; however, I received the same answers from all of them. When all hope seemed lost, I received a call from the head of the program. "I am happy to say that the email you sent to Abbott labs replied that they have paid $2,500 for your cost." Tears bubbled in my eyes, my whole body shook like a string, and a huge bright smile went across my face, followed with spasms of jumping and screaming with joy.

As I stepped foot on stage, this memory exploded out to me and that I have achieved so much in so little time. I could feel my heartbeat thumping harder and harder as I approached the head of the 53rd Florida State Science fair. He presented me with a trophy in one hand and a firm handshake with the other while congratulating me on winning 4th place in the state competition. With an enormous smile on my face, I turned to raise my trophy and at that instant I realized that I have beaten the unbelievable odds at winning at a major science fair event, even when everyone told me that I would not make it.

I am very well aware that the University of Florida only accepts the best of the best and I can assure the staff that they will not be disappointed in me. In every activity I have done I have learned a different lesson in each and every one of them, which only makes me grow as an individual. Doing these projects made me realize that my passion is to help people in any way possible; that is why my dream is to become a Pharmacist. I know I can overcome any obstacle that comes in my way. Truly, I have learned to always be determined no matter what the odds are. As years go by and my name comes up, the University will stand up tall with heads high and proud to have a student with such determination and confidence to achieve her dreams in any situation."

I really like the second, revised essay. It is much more descriptive and your personal energy is showcased very well. The grammar and mechanics looked good, but there are a couple of places where you have used contractions; make sure that you don't use those in the final version. Other than that, you've got a great draft! Keep it up!