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UC Prompt #1 - Transfer - Psychology



nojelly 1 / 2  
Nov 28, 2009   #1
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

I have always been intrigued by the science of mind and behavior long before I ever knew it as psychology. I would go out of my way to observe others and assay their wits; how they think, how they react, and how their emotions coincide with their behavior. I first heard of psychology in elementary school when kids would imagine and tell their own fallacy about what psychologists do. Some would jest by relating them to people who read minds or never let lies go undetected while I enjoyed relating them to professionals of a universal language.

Communication between my loved ones has always been the stepping stone for my ambition in psychology. Coming from an immigrant family, raised by a Pakistani father and a Korean mother, there has always been a cultural and linguistic barrier which we learned to overcome together. Words might not have been the easiest way for us to express ourselves but, our actions became capable of speaking louder than any sentences could. Altogether, the way I was raised taught me a lifetime of speaking and understanding without words.

Looking back on my childhood, I remember walking home from school more vividly than what I wore yesterday. It had nothing to do with the trip from school but, the time I spent with my native Korean grandma. While my parents both spent their day working to provide for me and my two older sisters, my grandma was there every day to walk me home right when the bell rang. This was where I spent most of time connecting with my grandma. I always look back and reminisce over our walks together because we still created a magnificent bond in the absence of dialect. Although I couldn't speak with her in fluent Korean, the way we harmonized in our understanding of each other was a blessing to the loving and unique relationship we share. Getting to know my grandma, I learned that words and actions are the difference between seeing in light and seeing with fire. It opened my eyes to staying away from a self-centered career and essentially taking action to help people in life. Every day that I am able to speak more Korean and carry on a conversation with my grandma, the more astonished and inspired I am by the potential of studying nonverbal communication and human behavior.

The ones who raised me have been the greatest influence inspiring my intuition to help others through psychology. Furthermore, my family encouraged me to appreciate how psychology is experienced and needed everywhere on individual, societal, and cultural levels. Their motivation alone helped me take action by moving towards my goal of becoming an effective communicator. Through reaching out as more than just another person, my fire may one day illuminate the dark for those who just need a spark of their own.

- Please help me find any grammar mistakes I missed
- Also, I feel as if my introduction is too straight forward but, transfer students are supposed
to talk more about how they came to choose their study than about themselves. so its all good.. right?
- Tell me what you think. Please feel free to add criticism, advice, anything!

Mustafa1991 8 / 369  
Nov 28, 2009   #2
1.0 - terrible
10.0 - perfect

4.7:
Your opening started rather well but ended poorly. The last two sentences seem forced and certainly don't make sense.
The second paragraph is a tentative clue that you are about to veer way off track and the third is confirmation of it.
The last paragraph really doesn't have room to catch up because there's only so much you can say in the last 5 minutes of a lecture scheduled for 90 minutes; it seems coughed up without much effort apparently. The first three sentences in it are general enough to be tossed out without remorse and the last is weeping rhetoric that falls short.
OP nojelly 1 / 2  
Nov 28, 2009   #3
I am going to change some things but it would be better if you offered more help than insults to people working on their essays

any other opinions would be cool
Mustafa1991 8 / 369  
Nov 28, 2009   #4
Actually, most of the time I'm able to discern better than the average reader what a person is trying to say. If I can't follow along, it does not bode well for your cause. But feel free to ignore and justify; you should know the full range of defense mechanisms.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 30, 2009   #5
Communication among my loved ones has always been the stepping stone for my ambition in psychology.

I guess I think this should focus morre on your recent fascination with psych -- not so much about how it was for you as a little kid. How much do you know about the various schools of thought in psychology? What are your favorite treatment modalities? Have you read any good research articles lately?

That is what I think would make it better.


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